Here is my response to J to a message that she sent me about her and Scott. If anything else comes up I’ll write later. As for now I’ve been writing for the last 4 hours and I want a break.
From: TTU::WJH3957 "W.J. Holcomb -- Mr. Happy =)" 5-MAY-1998
Subj: re: thoughts
Sorry that it has taken me so long to get back to you on this. As you now apparently know I talked to V last night and he talked to me about what he knew. I guessed what this message was going to be about so I didn’t read it until after my Calculus final so that it wouldn’t fry my brains too much.
I am going to do something different in this piece than I normally when writing to you. I have been taking great pains to stay clear in our relationship and when I have tried to communicate with you I have tried to work through any problems that I have before I talk to you. Believe it or not as of late I have been writing about us for two or three hours a day.
I am going to let you have this journal without going through it and cleaning it up for you. I have already worked on alot of this so I don’t think that it will be too clouded, but I still recognize that I resent you to some extent and that might come out as anger. If it does I will try to identify it and label it as distortion, but I am not going to censor here.
I think that this journal will try to cover all of the problems that I have been having as of late. I’ve already done a set which you got that cover what I think my contributions to the problems have been, now I’m going to give you my opinions on what I think yours have been.
Well, I have been sitting trying to think and sort through my brain. I haven’t decided if i am going to move, and i wish that people would quit deciding for me.
Point number one and point number major; the biggest problem that I have been having in dealing with you is the layer of surety and standoffishness that is constantly being thrown out at me. Being guarded is the same thing as being defensive and being defensive is not the same thing as being open or being vulnerable. It is very hard for me to interact with you when you are sitting in the corner holding a club glaring at me waiting for me to do something to hurt you.
Do you remember the night that we were filming the sex scene and I talked to you about the image that I had of you when you were talking of you crouched in the corner with your hands covering your head, cowered to avoid the pain of another blow? That is still the overpowering image that I have when I am interacting with you, except on top of that there is the animal that has been backed into a corner and will fight its way free. I am trying to be caring and open with you and you keep on biting me.
I have been really uncertain about what to do. To use the animal backed into the corner metaphor, I want to help but any attempts to get closer are met with growls and maybe lunges. And under all that you don’t want to have this tension, I don’t think. I can’t imagine being at odds with the whole world and enjoying it.
That is one of the reasons that I have been having so much trouble. I have been having problems with our relationship for a long time, but I could not approach you without you tensing up. I didn’t know what to do and I kept holding the stuff back and I think that it bottling up is part of the reason that I started to get more and more distant. Not all certainly, but some.
And even now I can see you reading this and none of it really getting through to you; none of it really being listened to and that leaves me not knowing what to do. Are you getting mad now, or perhaps more aptly can you feel you mindset changing and your body tensing up? Do you think that you are really listening? How fast did that answer come? Did you have to look and see or did it come off the top of your head without any real thought?
This is what bothers me when I am talking to you. I do not think that I am being listened to. You have one kind of intimacy need that runs pretty high, physical intimacy; I have another, emotional or intellectual intimacy. It is very important to me to really know who you are and to be able to communicate with that person, but most of the time all that I can see that I am talking to is a wall of defenses and subterfuge.
I do think that you can get past it. I have seen in your writing the longing for a different kind of relationship, but that kind doesn’t just happen. It takes work and it takes being uncomfortable. How do you expect me to love who you are if you keep that person hidden away under a pile of lies?
So I don’t know what’s going to happen. I do know that I will be at home for the summer and that means that we will be apart. I don’t know when i’m going up there to visit relatives so i don’t know when i would get to see you.
The only reason that I know that you are coming to the tri-cities area is because V told me. You have never mentioned this to me.
Are you satisfied with the level of communication that we had in our relationship? I know that my detaching cut down on it alot.
For me, I can see the distance that has grown between us. And I know that a lot of it is my fault. And I regret some of it. But some of it I would do again. Mostly because that is the way that I am.
Please explain. If there are values that you have chosen to live by and are not willing to change then I would really like to know what they are. I am considering the possibility that perhaps we are just two people committed to different values.
Like for me, I am deeply committed to honesty and to connection with other people. If you have values that you are deeply committed to that require me to give those up then there is a terminal conflict because those are things that I have chosen as part of who I am. I allow other people to go against them in their lives, but I will not abandon them in mine. On a more fundamental level those are two of the things that give the world the most value for me and being in a relationship where I was disconnected from them would have no choice but to be unfulfilling.
And I realize that my natural reaction is kicking in to draw apart even further. But another part of me wants to hold on. And it’s just that I haven’t found the balance. And so to keep from being clingy and dependant i draw away.
You know what I say? Fuck the balance. =) I have parts of myself that try to pull me back when I am going deeply into something and “keep me stable.” You know what they are? They are me being afraid.
Wayne and Emily’s relationship has really been taking off as of late. I have been jealous of the level of communication that he gets to take part in. He will point out things to her and she will listen to him. You don’t know how bad I want that listening. It is not a parent – child transaction, if anything it is parent – parent or maybe child – child. Wayne and I communicate in much the same way and there is not a power structure going on between us. I will ask him if he thinks that his stance on issue x is clear and he will look and tell me. What really really matters to me is that he listens and he looks.
Alot of his ability to look is based off of his ability to use an analytical detachment, which if you haven’t done much outside of F stuff can be hard, but I think it is an important skill to learn for dealing with life in general. Some people call it a God’s eye view where you step out of the emotions and issues of the moment and take a wider view. I have been doing it alot in the last few days; stepping outside of the fact that my relationship seems to be coming down around my head and asking myself “is this really that bad?” It helps me to calm down and try to deal with the situation decisively, because really it is not the end of the world.
I’ve had so many things to make me think lately. And since the musical started. I never had time to sing for myself anymore. But I do remember that last Saturday morning after you left. I sang and sang and sang until my voice was gone. I sang anything I wanted to. And it was while I was singing that I found that part of myself that I thought I had forgotten. And I remembered that the song flowed through me. And that music was my life. And so I sat pondering. Music is emotional. Music is passionate. And music is cold. And I am all of those things. But my music had been put away for other things. I didn’t have time to sing. At that point I felt so sad that I almost cried. But I pulled myself together.
I think I’ll let this section stand. It is very pretty and a good description of a set of circumstances, but I am not sure that it has much to do with me except as a lead in to the next section. I take this more of a statement of who you are.
Am I getting it?
Perhaps just one question, how often do you fall apart? It surprises me when you say that you do at all. I have seen you lose control and blow up, but I have never seen you fall apart. Falling apart is so helpless and vulnerable, do you do that?
I fell for you because of the music. I thought that it affected you as it did me. But I don’t know anymore.
From reading the last section I don’t think so. I use music to express myself and to move my heart and my soul, but there is a distinct division between where I begin and the music ends. It is a tool.
I think that on the whole my strong rationality keeps me from partaking in it in the same way that you do. Perhaps as the rationality changes so will the experience of music.
And I realize that I am growing dissatisfied with the relationship. Music, which is what I live for, is not a part of it.
Explain how music is what you live for? I say sometimes that people are what I live for and on occasion experience and maybe myself and sometimes God, but I have trouble transferring that kind of value to music. What does it mean to you and why?
Physicality (and yes you can be physical without sex) was non-existent.
Yah ha! We have a barb. Not an especially satisfying barb, but a barb none the less. Why, when I am doing something that dissatisfied you don’t you just come out and say it to me?
I am taking the aside “(and yes you can be physical without sex)” to be an expression of your frustration that I seemed to have so much importance placed on you going to the health department and the assumed accompanying intercourse. Why don’t you just come out and ask me why I am not acting the way that you want me to? I might have no reason other than I didn’t know that you wanted it.
I would guess that it is the vulnerability of asking for something, that is what always stopped me. If I ask someone for something or ask them to help me then I leave open the possibility that they can refuse me and hurt me. I don’t like to get my hopes up that high for fear that they will be dashed.
Except for me I have given up complaining about other people not doing what I want when I don’t tell them that I want it. Like the letter that I sent you asking you to talk about the issues that you had that you thought were clouding our relationship. I had hoped that you would go into them after I sent out my stuff that I thought was a problem, but you didn’t. I got a little miffed, but rather than complaining I did something about it and sent a direct message asking for exactly what I wanted.
Would you like to know why I did not respond as well to your intimacy needs as you would have liked? It wasn’t in this case because I was unaware. Rather the physical intimacy stuff has been making me uncomfortable for as long as there have been problems with communication, which for me has been a while. Physicality is hollow for me if I do not trust and have faith in the person that I am doing it with. I certainly enjoy it, but not without a basis in a relationship. It just isn’t much fun.
And I simply could not understand why you got so exited when you said that eliot had put down in the four quartets exactly what you were thinking. Why quote him? Why not quote yourself? Why is he so important? Can you not look inside yourself and see those same thoughts? And can you not say that “these are mine, i don’t care who else has said them, these are mine” I see you use quotes so much…..even quotes about how words “crack and break”. But quotes are just words. And they are meaningless. The only meaning lies inside of us.
Exactly. Eliot would be completely meaningless for me if I could not find a basis for what he was saying in who I am. All that he has are words, but from them I am capable of discerning things about myself.
It is just like when Wayne calls me on something and asks me if I am being driven by fear. It opens for me the possibility to stop and look at something that I might have been missing. If I find it then I change, I am not becoming who Wayne wants me to be, nor am I becoming Wayne when I listen to him any more than I am becoming T.S. Eliot when I listen to him. I am in complete and total control over who I become, just because I have learned to listen to the experience of others does not make the me that I chose to be any less my own.
As for why quote Eliot, there are a variety or reasons. Part of it is simply an authority thing to get it recognized by other people, people do not listen the same to everyone, it’s like the little maxim that says “if you want to get a group of people to listen to what you have to say, preface it by telling them Benjamin Franklin said it.” Also, I like the way that Eliot uses words. He has a talent as a poet that I do not have. If I had said it better myself then I would quote me.
The point that you have is a very important one. I came up against it alot when I was arguing with Christianity. I was looking at a system that had millions of followers including my parents and everyone that I knew and I was saying that I thought that it was flawed. The question that I was grappling with was by what right do I say that this is not how things are. The answer in short is that the truth is not determined by a vote. It doesn’t matter if the whole world backs one way of seeing, if I know from what I see that the truth is not what they are describing then that is how things are. It doesn’t matter how many high placed people are voting for the other side.
So the problem then is how to tell the truth. A very important question for me, and the method is through developing greater clarity and through learning how to listen. In short I can trust anyone to tell me how the world works, so I am working at getting better at checking it out for myself. A part of this for me has been recognizing that different people have different levels of clarity in different aspects of seeing things. I value different people’s opinions differently depending on the work that they have done. There are some people who I respect a very great deal and who I recognize as having done a better job than I have at conquering their fears and seeing reality more clearly.
And so…back to you and i. My mind and body were not getting attention. The only thing that I was using was my defensiveness and my arguing. And I didn’t like that.
Why didn’t you smack me on the head or yourself as need required and do something about it? It’s not like these things just happened as you watched.
Then deetch contacted me and he talked about his problems. And I realized that he and virginia were in the same place that you and i are.But don’t worry, deetch is like a brother and the mere thought of him as anything more makes me gag. 🙂
So then he asked his question. And for one of the few times in my life, I began to seriously question society. I had no answer. Only what had been given to me with no reason but “the law”. Oh and “the Bible” but religion doesn’t count. So I let my mind sit on it for awhile.
The rules (Bible or law) are not valid determiners for ethical decisions in my opinion. Just because someone made a rule saying that something is wrong doesn’t make it so. That distinction can only be made by an individual. At the same time you have to be willing to suffer the repercussions of your choices. To willingly break the law, even an unjust one and not be willing to suffer the consequences is, I think hypocritical, though I can see a few cases where I would do it.
There is more than the rules at play with why people do not carry on serious romantic relationships with more than one person at a time. The main one for me being simply resources. I have only so much time and so much energy and I am especially with a really deep relationship it would just not be possible to deal with more than one person. Another major reason has to do with trust, trust is essential I think to lowering ego boundaries which is one of the main benefits of a romantic relationship so far as I can see. Why commit to someone and stay with them through the hard times if there is an easier possibility to fall back on.
I am not saying that a multiple person relationship is not feasible or workable, I am saying that it would take people with immense maturity and dedication, a kind of person which I do not think you or I is right now.
Why do you think that people initially made the rules about fidelity and why do some people hold to them today? Are they all just delusional? Where did the initial delusion start?
And then I got mad at Perry. I think that that is fine for his observations. Why can we not make our own scale and call it our own, even if it is like his? Why must we have a scale at all. I don’t want to be classified as a Perry level. I hate boxes. Who cares if they are safe….I want freedom. I think Perry was an idiot. And I don’t see the use of his boxes. But you do. Oh well.
Do you see the value in discussing things with other people to get a perspective outside of yourself?
That is the main usage of models like Perry. It provides a context that different people can use and adapt and communicate with. It is simply an extended form of the concept behind words or anything else. Do you get angry that a car is called a car? Does it bother you that someone has recognized a commonality between there objects with wheels on them that roll around and has provided a general label? Do you have the person who recognized a commonality between trees? Why then Perry? Because you can’t see the things that he has identified?
Yes, I will agree that the ideas are rough around the edges and that there is definite room for improvement, but it has to start somewhere. It works all fine and good for us all to have our own person scales and ideas for things, except for the fact that it leaves us entirely unable to communicate with one another. Using Perry I can define what I observe in contrast to him and say “I think that Perry was wrong on points x, y, and z” and it gives other people a context to understand my ideas from.
Otherwise all that I have is a free floating form that still has a context, but that context is myself and the only person who can understand it is me.
Do you really not see Perry’s ideas being played out? It took me a very long time to begin to see them. Could it be that your anger is not a response to Perry, but instead a response to mindtalk statements that you are incompetent and you should be able to see these things that so many other obviously capable people around you are seeing?
So my mind began to wander. And it brought up things that I hadn’t thought about since the beginning of the semester. And I realized a few things. First, that i still didn’t know what to do about moving and people were bugging me and assuming that I was.
Does it bother you when people think this? If so why? Your behavior has been different as of late and people have been noticing and thinking about it. So far as I can see there is no harm done so long as they just think about it. Have you suffered any negative repercussions because of people thinking that you are going to leave?
Second, that society has a great big box around me and I had the urge to break it somehow.
What is this box? I have heard you talk about your desire to keep this a secret. That is something else that I wanted to talk about.
You want to maintain a fierce independence and keep people at a safe distance, but at the same time you want to have the intimacy of a truly connected relationship; you want people to know who you are. I don’t think that you get to have both, if you want to keep people pushed away and not let them get close enough to hurt you then you at the same time keep them too far away to really care for you either.
To the best of my experience secrets and connection do not work well together. For you to experience the pleasure of connection you have to risk the pain of being hurt. It is pushing past those fears of people hurting me that have been at the core of my work at getting more honest and closer to people.
That is what the backing for any type of box is, being afraid. What are you afraid of that is controlling you?
And third, and this is tough for me to admit, that I was once again, attracted to Scott. Now this plagued my mind for a bit. My first reaction is based on society. It said, “Bad J! You are dating Will!” My second reaction was just pure attraction. My second was curiosity. And sometimes I hate being a curious creature. It gets me in the biggest trouble most of the time.
Why does this bother you so much? It does me a little, but that is just because I am telling myself that I failed as a boyfriend leaving you with unmet needs.
On the whole I value honesty in expression much more than I value comfort. If you are really attracted to Scoot, then that is fine with me. Wondering about other people and being attracted to other people is part of a relationship. I can’t think of anything that you could feel that would drive me away. People have complex sets of emotions and responses for a variety or reasons and I allow people to experience that range.
That goes for feeling, as for acting that is a whole different matter. I do have certain requirements on acting. It’s like for me, I allow myself to write any thought that comes into my head down into a journal, I get angry at people all the time for being stupid, but I am not allowed to treat that person disrespectfully just because I am upset with them. I am not a victim to myself unless I allow myself to be. I make choices and I stand by them. I treat other people the same way.
The part that you wrote about being curious ties into this. It is fine for you to be curious and to have curious thoughts, but the last part of what you wrote suggests that maybe it was your curiosity’s fault what you did. No. It was your choice and you are responsible for the repercussions of it. Yes, it is harder for some people to take control of parts of their life. I am scared to death of people, it is about 500 times harder for me to walk into an intimate setting and be honest than it is for some other people. That doesn’t release me from the responsibility of suffering the pains of distance that I do because I shy away from intimacy. In the end you did what you did and if you had reasons that you stand by then so be it, but you were not a victim to yourself.
So I put those thoughts to the back of my brain as we worked that first friday night, It was kinda hard since he asked me to tape the sign on him. But first and foremost on my mind was the humor of me on my knees before him. And I couldn’t keep from laughing. Sometimes it’s good to have a dirty mind. 🙂 After he was done I was hoping that you might ask me to tape you. But you didn’t. So I was kinda sad. And thoughts grew more prominent in my mind.
The last little bit of that sounds like the tension is rising as our drama builds to a climax; incident after incident where circumstances drove you to do what you did.
Except that this isn’t a play and you were not a hapless character. If things were not going according to your liking then you could have changed them.
Now before I go on I guess I had better define my morals and standards. It might help if you can see things from my mind. My morals are almost non-existent. So I don’t really have a lot to work with there. I have broken many boxes and fought society to get to this point. And believe it or not, I like it here. Makes it interesting and sometimes confuses people. Second, I see nothing wrong with being attracted to a person while dating someone else. Futhermore,thanks to my set of no morals, I don’t see what people define as cheating. But don’t get upset and sad now…..I am not through.
All this is very dependent on how you define morals. If morals are a set of rules that you got from somewhere to live by, like the 10 commandments, then I think that morality is living someone else’s life. If morals are a set of guidelines that you have chosen to live by then I think that morals are the basis for mature action.
Except what you are talking about is very iffy as to whether it should be considered as a moral decision or not. I don’t have a moral problem with stepping in front of a car, that doesn’t mean that stepping out in front of a car will not have repercussions upon me. In the same way, you may not think that infidelity is an immoral act, but that will not keep the repercussions of it from affecting you. Like it or not other people have values structures too and when you are interacting with other people you will feel affects of their values structures.
From the simple viewpoint of functionality you recognized the fact that your interactions with Scott might be the basis of a break-up between us. If you did not want to suffer those repercussions then you should have come and found out what they would be. It seems to be an unavoidable consequence of relationships that you lose a bit of your freedom. Relationships are about sacrifice; love is about sacrifice. Even though I am more content to sit and play on the computer than to go and talk out an issue that is affecting our relationship being committed to a relationship means that I put aside what I want in favor of what I have chosen as right to do.
Even if you have no problem with going around and seeing other guys, I might and for many people that is a major issue, the fact that you kept it hidden for as long as you do is, I think, indicative of the fact that you were aware of that.
You are not in this alone. That is both the cost and the reward. When you need help I have committed to being there, but when you want to do something that I will not accept as part of the relationship you have to choose which you want more. The same holds true for me. There are some things that I want right now that I am not sure that you are willing to give. I will have to choose which I want more, those things or a relationship with you.
It sounds cold and heartless to me, but really that is what it boils down to; a never ending steam of choices.
Do you remember when we all piled on the bed that friday night while John was trying to fix the boom mike? Well…here is something only people that I have entrusted with this info know….since scott was laying with his back to me and we all had our arms around the next person, my fingers were in contact with his. We both moved our hands closer until it was enough to hold. But only imperceptibly.
I was the one laying behind you remember? I could see what you were doing and I watched you all that weekend, noticing the low levels of flirtation. I considered what you two would be like going out.
In terms of the kind of deep and honest relationship that is my particular choice I don’t think that it would be much, but it would probably be fun for a while at least. Alot of defenses that bother me because I am tied to honesty feed right into the manipulation that Scott does. I don’t think that there is the same potential for depth and real connection, but such things take alot of work and many people are not willing to put the time or endure the discomfort necessary to obtain them.
The kind of relationship where the only think that the two people have as a priority is to make each other comfortable is not something that I am interested in. There is only so connected that two people can get before they start to get afraid or start to get uncomfortable. I am interested in going beyond that. It’s more work, but I think it’s worth it.
Now you will also remember that Scott has a GF. So I want no one saying that I seduced him. I did no such thing.
How does the fact that Scott has a girlfriend mean that you seduced him? I not saying that you did, on the whole I would say that he was as much a part of any attraction as you, it’s just that you have two unrelated statements tied together. If anything him having a girlfriend so far away would keep his needs open, but probably unmet.
But my brain was working overtime trying to make sense of it all. Was I just reading too much, what about will, was i reading enough, all of that went through my mind. And if it helps, my brain pulled back into the barriers of the box. And I put the incident away. But i could see that you were at a distance. And so I threw myself into the musical. And I worked hard with it. I let myself go into it. It was my child. And if I worked hard enough, I could forget that there was a world outside JW.
Again, this seems to be for your benefit as a story teller and not so much for me to get actual information from. Right?
So then it was finished. And We had all grown closer. Except me and N who I chewed out on that last night of filming and I still believe that he deserved it.
Not for me either right?
And when Norma saw the video and heard the voices, she realized what I was so upset about and she apologized.
Is this a reference to the “I wish that she would go to the fucking health department?” I’m guess that is what it is, in which case it has already been covered, nothing new to add.
Anyway…..now I knew that sifter editing was done and I was sitting there movie night after it was over, i knew that my mind would start up it’s questions again. And that scared me.
More of the same? It seems like you are building an elaborate backdrop showing that what you did was just a preponderance of circumstance. Yes, I didn’t always do exactly right and neither did you. That never happens, does this in some way relinquish your responsibility; a victim of circumstance so to speak?
And you left while I was watching Rocky, with no goodbye. Not even a quick note to say you were going. My whole being felt alone. And so my brain quit being scared as it usually is at around 2 in the morning.
I take it that the “brain not being scared” anymore is the lead in for you to finally crush the social box that has been oppressing you by keeping you from being physical with anyone that you are attracted to.
You weren’t very receptive to me after the movie showed and I really didn’t know that it mattered to you that I left. When you went off to see Rocky you pretty much just announced that you were going and you didn’t say anything to me. I got the impression that you were distancing and I played right into it. That is where my detachment stuff comes into play, you would push and I would just let go.
What I meant by you helping me with it is noticing when you think that I am doing it and pointing it out to me. Fear has a nasty way of clouding the perceptions and oftentimes things will slip by me and I won’t realize until it’s too late.
I will tell you now what happened truthfully. But I ask that if you get angry, do it at me. This is my decision to tell you, so face me.
Don’t worry, Scott is not in any way responsible for you, you are responsible for you and I will hold you responsible for the decisions that you make, good and bad.
We finally decided to watch clockwork orange and tron. But clockwork orange was first. So on the couch near the computers, i was sitting on the floor but i laid my head on my arms on the center cushion of the couch. Lucas was at the end near the windows. Scott at the end near the tv. The movie went on for about 10 minutes when Scott laid down without taking any of Lucas’ space and our heads were together. his hand was touching mine…but they were half hidden by a pillow. We stayed that way for the movie. After that we just looked at each other. And then Tron was put in. This time may hand was over his. It was my move. We ended up holding hands. We were like that until the movie was over and we had to get up.
What is it that you gained from doing that? I can see where there was a brief physicality and intimacy need met, but what are the lasting repercussions?
I will also now state that I do not regret a moment of what I did. I do not feel bad about it, nor do I think that I should If you are upset, I want a reason and I want you to tell me why.
What you did does bother me. You willingly did something that you knew could destroy our relationship. I did not mean enough to you for you to control yourself. That bothers me. With the amount of work that I have been putting in on this relationship lately I am wondering if it is not unbalanced. I wrote 20 pages of clearing stuff before I sent my question to you about what you thought was going on in our relationship because being true to you matters to me that much. I am really trying to do the best that I know how and I am not seeing that effort reciprocated. That bothers me.
I do not think that what you did with Scott was “wrong” per se, except that it seems that the reason that you did it was because you were dissatisfied with our relationship. The fact that when the going got tough you got someone else upsets me too. I am trying to trust you and here I have a good example that if things do get too bad you will probably run out on me. I am interested in a committed relationship, I am interested in working on connection and on being honest. Neither of these things is easy and neither of these things are always comfortable. It takes a committment to the relationship to do them and I do not see that.
It bothers that you have done something which could have hurt me very badly, you didn’t know when you were writing this, and you haven’t yet shown any openness or caring. If anything it seems like you are telling me “here is what I did deal with it.”
I do not think that hunting around to get your unmet needs filled elsewhere is a mature way of handling things in a relationship. Especially when you haven’t even talked to me about it yet.
But really the only reason that I am upset is because you hurt me. All of the analytical stuff are things that I will use to examine my behavior and make decisions. The emotional response of anger comes because I have been trying in the last little bit to commit more deeply to our relationship and when I heard about this it just pulled the rug out from under me and I hit the ground hard.
I did not tell you right off because I was faced with the box again. Only this time…it was weaker. Much weaker. This week I said I would break the box. I probably still will do it. I am not sorry. I was unsatisfied, I was attracted to him and had been since the first night of popc when he walked me to the guy’s dorms, and he was attracted to me. No, we have not done anything since. Last night we went out to DQ and got some ice cream. But that has been it. But I tell you now to be honest with you in what I did. But I dare you to find fault with it.
Still so standoffish. I bet that it would feel nice just to relax and stop guarding off the whole world for a while.
I will tell you that from where I am working right now that if you choose to continue to meet physicality needs with Scott, then I will not be in a romantic relationship with you.
It is your choice, but that is where I stand. I have thought about this and fidelity is important enough to me in a relationship as a part of committment that I require it. I do not mind if you are attracted to Scott, I do mind if you are physically intimate with him.
Fidelity might just be a social stereotype that I am playing out. I don’t think so, but there is no way to know for sure. I acknowledge that possibility and choose to act the way that I am acting.
So now I am faced with more regrets if I move without doing something. And I am faced with the problem of what to do and when.
What is still open to regret? What have you left undone?
And I am faced with the possibility of your anger. And I am faced with possibility of being shunned by you and N and wayne and V and even scott.
Yes, those are there. If you chose to go with Scott I will get angry, but that is my problem and I will deal with it. I do think that it would hurt your relationship with Wayne and V if you were not going out with me. After a breakup it is usually uncomfortable for the two people and friends do oftentimes stay in the middle for long. I don’t know about Scott, I really don’t know that much about him except through the filming and seeing him around the dorms.
But since I have no decision, I cannot say what will happen. I do not hope you understand. You either will, or won’t. That is your choice. I made part of mine. And now I must make the other part.
Well, not quite, the ball is back in your court now. You nearly always have choice, it is just figuring out how to use it.
I still care for you. I never stopped. But who says that you cannot care for two at the same time? And since I have given very little trust to anyone, who says that I have to give it away. Just bear with me now as I start the storm. And I will ride it out and see what happens. And you can do the same. (())
I will be here and I will help you to conquer your demons if you like. I think that if you want to be free of them you will have to let go of some of your defenses which would not be easy, but it can be done.
I have been around for a while and I have done some work. I have a long way to go yet, but I also have learned a few lessons along the way. I am a trustworthy person.
And as for trust and giving it away, it seems to work much the same as love and the only way that it has any value is when it is given away. Except for when you use it on yourself. Again, like love, trust for others can only come after you trust yourself.
I hope that this did help you, however, to see what has been going on through my eyes.
I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
You can have this if you really really want it and are willing to work for it. I believe that.
Let me know what you think about all of this.
You have been sending me messages every so often asking what I am thinking. It has taken so long because I have been writing since 5:00 and it is now 9:00. This is one of the longer pieces that I have written in a while. I think the final count comes out to about 7621 words, wow that’s alot of words.
Peace J (()) -Will