Archive for April, 1998

two takes on the B.Brown quote

I sent out this quote a while ago asking for some feedback as to what it meant. Currently there are two primary themes in the interpretations, hinging on the clarity of the speaker. Thank you to T, Theresa, and Wayne for giving me some feedback.

   She pressed me firmly,
      "will you
         put yourself out
      for what you say
         you want?"

   I told her
      to stop meddling.

   No one
      meddles
         any more.

-*-*-*-

Ok, interpretation number one is the one that I originally came up with. We start out with “she” trying to influence the poet persona to change his behavior. Inherent in the statement “are you going to put yourself out for the things you want” is the though “you are not currently putting yourself out for the things you want.” If he was already meeting her expectations then she would have no reason to ask the question.

His response to her is “I am a competent individual who is aware of what he is doing. I want you to respect my authority and not try to shape me to your expectations” aka. “stop meddling.”

The final statement is a general axiom for stable mature relationships, “in healthy relationships between mature people it is important that they respect each other’s choices and not try to manipulate the other person into what they think the other person should be doing.

Under this interpretation I do not think that the poet persona would have objected is “she” had asked him if he was aware of certain actions. “She pressed me firmly, ‘why are you doing things this way?'” Her statement in the poem goes a step beyond a call to mindfulness, there is an inherent pre-judgement.

-*-*-*-

And now interpretation number two. This was originally Wayne’s baby, though it has been fleshed out a bit by other people. We start out with the “she” calling the poet persona to awareness of a discrepancy between his “talk” and his “walk.”

He reacts telling her to “go away and leave me alone” aka. “stop meddling” because he does not want awareness with the responsibility that it brings. As it is he has a level of comfort and she is calling him to push that.

“No one meddles anymore” could have a variety of interpretations within this context. One it could be a general statement as to his relationship, saying that they are settling into a comfortable stagnance. Another is that he is making a general statement as to the state of humanity and he is stepping outside of his context to show its universality (imagine this little poem to be a play; the first two lines are a little dialogue and then the scene freezes and the man (I’m going with this being a guy speaking just for simplicity’s sake) addresses the audience saying in effect “this is how relationships now-a-days go, people do not push each other’s boundaries.”

-*-*-*-

Really which interpretation you go with depends on how clear and stable you think that the author is. If she is trying to manipulate him and he is calling her to stop playing games then he is clearer than she is. If she is calling him to awareness and he is reacting and running away from it than she is clearer than she is.

I kinda like both, I think that both interpretations have their basis in reality and both are valuable pieces of information.

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for: lt: on judging

This is something that came in today off of the LT listserv. It is discussing the difference between discussing and evaluating something that I think is an important distinction. I have my own set of ideas on this that is pretty much the same except I use the word discerning instead of evaluating. I think that I like evaluating, I think that discerning underplays the fact that there are still processes being performed.

OK. Here’s my shot at this train of thought re: easy and difficult.

First of all, I had a huge learning several years ago (thanks Brad!) about the difference between evaluation and judgment. I’d suggest that intelligent evaluation is absolutely required of us as human beings by our lifeshocks. Looking right at a situation and being able to say – this IS how this is, with all our clarity and willingness to tell the truth as we see it. Evaluation and judgment are entirely different from each other, however. Evaluation says – this IS how this is and judgment says – this IS how this is and it shouldn’t be this way! Big difference!

Sometimes when I give my evaluation or assessment of a situation (especially if it’s one that is difficult to hear by the other(s) involved), I get questioned as to whether or not I am being judgmental. If I can honestly stop and say that I have no judgment that the situation should be any different from how it actually is, then I am simply evaluating. If I do have some sneaky mindtalk in there that says – and they/he/she shouldn’t be this way! – then I’ve crossed the line and have some cleaning up to do.

So, about easy and hard . . .

In my experience, there are situations that are easy and there are situations that are hard. But where I really get tripped up is when I start believing that ANY situation should be different from how it actually is.

I hope this helps someone. It certainly has seen me through some rough times.

With gratitude for all that is.

name removed

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j: thinking about J

We had our last meeting of the Four Quartets workshop yesterday and we ended our semester long jaunt through T.S. Eliot’s wonderful work by sharing some of our favorite quotes. One that I read that I really liked is from the end of the second section of “East Coker.”

   "...Do not let me hear
    Of the wisdom of old men, but rather of their folly,
    Their fear of fear and frenzy, their fear of possession,
    Of belonging to another, or to others, or to God.
    The only wisdom we can hope to acquire
    Is the wisdom of humility: humility is endless."

I really like the last part about humility. I am taking humility here to mean an openness to change. This is hitting me hard because for the last two weeks or so I have been very frustrated by the lack of vulnerability that I have been seeing in the people around me and in myself.

Humility and vulnerability are both parts of flexibility and not being rigid. What is really bothering me is a feeling of tension that I get when I am around certain people. No-one does it all the time, but some do it more than others. They feel like they are tensed up, or rather when I am interacting with them or being around them I can feel a good deal of tension in my upper body.

I am uncertain about what is going on. I recognize the possibility that these sensations are projection on my part and I am not actually sensing something from someone else, but I do not think that is the case.

I want for people to not be so defensive and tense. It seems like so many problems are caused by people being tense and rigid.

I an having alot of trouble writing this and I know what the problem is. I am getting uncomfortable being around J and I do not want to let myself dislike being around her because that would make me a bad boyfriend. It is her rigidity that is really bugging me.

I was in Wayne’s room the other night and he asked Emily a question and the way that she answered was so cool. The place that she answered from was really cool. She was listening to him. I really envy that. When I ask questions all that I get is crap thrown up in my face. At best it is subterfuge and at worst it is bad manipulation. I derive pleasure from seeing manipulation done well, but this is clumsy and unclear. I am dissatisfied.

I don’t know what to do. I recognize that part of the problems have to do with my issues about closeness. I do not take all of the blame however. I have started watching how other people see her and by and large I have one of the higher opinions of her maturity. I would really like to be able to talk to her about things and have her listen. I am trying to listen to her. I don’t know how to stay flexible in a conversation with someone who is being so rigid. I try to explain where I am coming from but she keeps saying that it is impossible for one person to understand another.

Basically what we keep coming down to is her saying “this is what I believe and I don’t have to explain myself to anyone.” The other night she said that she didn’t need to have any reasons to believe what she believed and she was expressing her incomprehension as to why I was asking. I told her that her statement was straight out of J’ description of Perry 4b and she threw a fit. There was so much anger and rebellion. She said that if anyone tried to put her in a Perry box then she would break out of it and maybe break some heads on the way. I could feel the tension in her voice caught up in my chest and it took alot to not just run away. We were coming up to my room and once we got in I told them (V was with us) I was going to check on something and I went down to Wayne and N’ room and about broke down. I was tense, but underneath that I was about to cry.

I don’t know what the hell to do. This is the same shit that went on with N my first semester here. He was forever complaining about me trying to put him in a box when I would try to get him to explain himself. I do not like being around J with her as unstable as she is. I am more than willing to listen and try to help her stabilize, but I do that by stepping outside of my crap with other perspectives to get a more universal picture. Perry is one of those contexts. I don’t know what to do if she won’t look at things like that. I can handle mulitiplistic thinking fine. I might disagree with it, but I can handle it if it is centered and stable. It’s the instability that really turns me off.

I’m gonna go even less objective for a bit and dump some, I am aware that this is happening.

At the filming this weekend I was sick and tired of how much she was a victim of everything. She kept suffering because of everything that everyone else was doing and because of her body. She wouldn’t take charge for long periods of time and then when she did she would just bitch and try to guilt trip people. Her people skills by and large sucked. She let people get to her too much and she reacted to much to other people’s crap. She just was not a stable point for work to center around. Granted she had to deal with N, who when I took over filming a couple of scenes was a big pain in the ass. He would not take orders and kept trying to take charge. We were shooting a scene in the hallway and he went and got a table and put it in the middle of the scene and said that it was going to be an office because he wanted to be a cop behind a desk. I told him that we needed a hallway scene to go with the other hallway scenes and he started to get blustery so I just let him do it. If I had been in charge of directing this musical and he had pulled the “you do what I want to or I’ll make you stop filming” crap I would have kicked his ass off of the set and filmed it outside if need be. He’s like a child sometimes who hasn’t learned that he can’t always have the world go his way.

Apparently I have resentments towards N too, I’ll get into them sometime later.

I like this writing process of dumping. I feel much better having complained for a bit. Let me make sure that there’s nothing else.

Oh yeah, sex. J is a fucking horn-ball. All the time in bed she is pushing physicality. I wouldn’t mind except that outside of bed I can’t get any kind of intellectual intimacy from her. I think that these are the intimacy need that she represses all the time coming out. Sex is fun and I enjoy it. I am interested in having sex with J, but I told her a long time ago that I did not want to have a kid and that if we were going to be sexually active then she needed to get on birth control (it is not that I think that it is the woman’s responsibility to use birth control, it is that the pill is 99% effective while the condom rates in the mid-80’s.) She said that it was a good idea and I went with her down to the heath department and made an appointment. Then when appointment time came she didn’t go and she hasn’t done anything by way of making another one. If physicality is so important to her why can’t she put the work in to do it. I don’t think that I should have to hold her hand and lead her through this. There is no real basis for our physical intimacy right now and it is not very captivating or entertaining. The little bit of taboo that made it exciting is wearing off.

On a related note, I have also recognized that I picked up some crap from dealing with D and physicality. She wasn’t up for it very often and I think that alot of times I would get led on for a bit and then she would “lose the mood” as a power thing. Physicality on the whole is hard and I don’t like doing it without a solid base.

I am going to try to steer more objective now.

There is a drama that she is playing out with staying separated from people. Her sig file has changed. Now it’s:

                      "I don't want the world to see me
                 Cause I don't think that they'd understand
                     When everything's made to be broken
                      I just want you to know who I am"

This pulls at my compassion. There is pain and vulnerability in this and I admire that and it calls me. She has moments where her fear of being alone come out, but it is always in writing and never in person. I recognize that she has these big fears inside of her and she is afraid of letting her guard down because someone might come and get her hopes up and then hurt her. I recognize that she does the things that she does because she is hurt and afraid, and from where I am right now that destroys nearly all of my frustration and animosity and leaves only sorrow and pity and compassion. I really hadn’t seen this place before I did this journal. I guess this does work.

I don’t know if I can do it though when I am talking to her and I can feel the tension pulling at me.

It is another self-fulfilling prophecy that her fear of being alone causes her to drive people away. I want it to end.

I want to become infatuated and I think that I am getting close to the place where that could happen. I recognize that I am reacting much more emotionally that I used to. I was thinking last night that if I was getting the same kind of feedback that Wayne is getting I think that I wouldn’t have a snowball’s chance in hell. As it is J’s pushing people away and being defensive feeds right into my detaching and moving away.

That was one more thing. She keeps trying to manipulate me into being there for her. She will act hurt and sad. She is trolling for a response and it is very apparent that she is exaggerating to get it. I don’t like to be the one to bite the hook. I recognize that part of the not willing to bite is me trying to maintain control, but at the same time I think that it is more mature for her to ask me for help and support than it is for her to troll for it. It does open her to fears of rejection and I can see where that is hard, but no-one said this was supposed to be easy. I’m trying to not take all of the blame myself and at the same time not become dispassionate. The “she’ll just have to get over it” feels dispassionate; I’ll think on it more.

So, there’s that I can think of right now. I’ll write more later.

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n: summer 1998

I dunno what I am supposed to do here. Am I supposed to say what my definite plans are for the summer or what I would like to get out of it? I reckon I’ll go ahead and set down a couple of goals for the summer, it’s about time to do that anyway since it is coming up so soon.

The major project that I have for this summer is working in my father’s congressional campaign. We ran one two years ago and didn’t quite make it and we are trying again. Getting into campaigning is really alot of fun and I think that it will be an interesting summer. Also, I will probably be working full time on top of the campaign work, at least for the beginning of the summer, maybe all the way. I have an application in at Eastman Chemical to do work there and I am really hoping that works out, otherwise I’ll have to do some job hunting when I go back. I have a standing offer from the roofing company where I worked last summer, but that work is very very draining and the though of trying to pull nights doing campaign stuff after days of roofing is not a pleasant concept.

Most of my time will go to those two things. I think that I can probably do both, at least in the beginning of the summer. It’s hard to make concrete plans because of the dynamic nature of campaign support staff.

Other things that I would really like to do…

#1. Get on and stick to a running schedule. I live near South Holston Dam and my mom and I were going out to the dam 4+ times a week at the end of last summer and doing a 4 mile loop up the dam and back down. It’s about a 1 mile hill up the dam and it is definitely a challenging run.

#2. Learn Windows programming. This is actually a possibility now, because I called home and my mom casually mentioned that my dad got a new P266 for the campaign. This made me really happy, our old computer was a 486 with a 210mb hard drive and I couldn’t really put the software on it that I needed to work on my programming projects (in large part because it had no CD-ROM.) I looked into traveling to ETSU, but their computer labs bite. I have a book on making Windows programs and I don’t really have time to work out of it while school is going on.

That’s pretty much it. I have a couple of other little things planned like reading a couple of books and coming down and playing construction with Wayne on the house where I’ll be next fall, but of the running themes that’s about it.

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cq: Scott Peck

Here’s another quote from the _The_Road_Less_Traveled_ calendar.

Thursday, April 23, 1998

“So if your goal is to avoid pain and escape suffering, I would not advise you to seek higher consciousness or spiritual evolution. First, you cannot achieve them without suffering, and second, insofar as you do achieve them, you are likely to be called on to serve in ways more painful to you, or at least demanding of you, than you can now imagine.”

-M. Scott Peck

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rq: K. Bradford Brown

This is from a little book that I picked up at the life training weekend by K. Bradford Brown (of “Touchstone” fame) called “Guide Lines to Relationships.” It has several neat quotes.

This makes little to no sense to me, I think I might know what it means, but I’m shooting for some second opinions.

   She pressed me firmly,
      "will you
         put yourself out
      for what you say
         you want?"

   I told her
      to stop meddling.

   No one
      meddles
         any more.

Anybody know what that means?

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The Easy Way

Easy is right.
Begin right and you are easy.
Continue easy and you are right.
The right way to go easy
is to forget the right way
and forget that the going is easy.

-Chuang-Tzu

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cave allegory-esque story by Max Lucado

The Cave People

Taken from Max Lucado’s The Woodcutter’s Wisdom and Other Favorite Stories

Long ago, or maybe not so long ago, there was a tribe in a dark, cold cavern. The cave dwellers would huddle together and cry against the chill. Loud and long they wailed. It was all they did. It was all they knew to do. The sounds in the cave were mournful, but the people didn’t know it, for they had never known joy. The spirit in the cave was death, but the people didn’t know it, for they had never known life.

But then, one day, they heard a different voice. “I have heard your cries,” it announced. “I have felt your chill and seen your darkness. I have come to help.”

The cave people grew quiet. They had never heard this voice. hope sounded strange to their ears. “How can we know you have come to help?”

“Trust me,” he answered. “I have what you need.”

The cave people peered through the darkness at the figure of the stranger. He was stacking something, then stooping and stacking more.

“What are you doing?” one cried, nervous.

The stranger didn’t answer.

“What are you making?” one shouted even louder.

Still no response.

“Tell us!” demanded a third.

The visitor stood and spoke in the direction of the voices. “I have what you need.” With that he turned to the pile at his feet and lit it. Wood ignited, flames erupted, and light filled the cavern.

The cave people turned away in fear. “Put it out!” they cried. “It hurts to see it.”

“Light always hurts before it helps,” he answered. “Step closer. The pain will soon pass.”

“Not I,” declared a voice.

“Nor I,” agreed a second.

“Only a fool would risk exposing his eyes to such light.”

The stranger stood next to the fire. “Would you prefer the darkness? Would you prefer the cold? Don’t consult your fears. Take a step of faith”

For a long time no one spoke. The people hovered in groups covering their eyes. The fire builder stood next to the fire. “It’s warm here,” he invited.

“He’s right,” one from behind him announced. “It’s warmer.” The stranger turned a saw a figure slowly stepping toward the fire. “I can open my eyes now,” she proclaimed. “I can see.”

“Come closer,” invited the fire builder.

She did. She stepped into the ring of light.

“It’s so warm!” she extended her hands and sighed as her chill began to pass.

“Come, everyone! Feel the warmth,” she invited.

“Silence, woman!” cried one of the cave dwellers. “Dare you lead us into your folly? Leave us. Leave us and take your light with you.”

She turned to the stranger. “Why won’t they come?”

“They choose the chill, for though it’s cold, it’s what they know. They’d rather be cold than change.”

“And live in the dark?”

“And live in the dark.”

The now-warm woman stood silent. Looking first at the dark, then at the man.

“Will you leave the fire?” he asked.

She paused, then answered, “I cannot. I cannot bear the cold.” Then she spoke again. “But nor can I bear the thought of my people in darkness.”

“You don’t have to,” he responded, reaching into the fire and removing a stick. “Carry this to your people. Tell them the light is here, and the light is warm. Tell them the light is for all who desire it.”

And so she took the small flame and stepped into the shadows.

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j: double checking with Wayne

This is a message that I sent to Wayne that deals with some stuff that I have been thinking about as of late. I’ll just let this stuff stand on its own.

-Will

From:	TTU::WJH3957      "W.J. Holcomb -- Mr. Happy =)" 22-APR-1998
To:	WAYNE
Subj:	double check

Hey Wayner, I want a second opinion on something. I figured I’d come to you since you seem to think like me and you’ll probably agree with me. =)

Anyhow, I have three separate data points that I am operating from. I am hypothesizing that there is some kind of drama going on with J.

Data point number one: the “take my hand” exercise in SEE:

One of the scenarios that she put forward to try to keep me from taking her hand was that she was just a flighty careless person who was not committed to me and who was just passing through and using me. She was talking about all the moving that she has done with the army and was saying that she was just passing through Cookeville as well and that she didn’t really care.

Data point number two: a poem written by her:

No way to tell you now.
All my chances fade into
the darkness of my spirit;
for what could cause you to look
into the eyes of this ghost,
this soul which passes
so briefly
through your life.
This ghost, who
casts a shadow unseen
against the brightness of the
spotlight,
whose voice is only an
echo
in a vast, empty theatre.
No one listens
to the voice of this ghost,
or looks
into her eyes,
for they do not hear or see her. But I know
that you do believe in ghosts.
And so perhaps you will look
and you will listen.
And perhaps you will see your soul,
and hear it
sing.

Data point number three: a story based out of a dream written by her:

Night of Angels

She looked around the city in amazement. It seemed as if the whole town had come outside. And all carried a staff, almost a walking staff. J shook her head and wondered what was going on. She had been driving just to drive and had happened upon the small town. So she stopped to rest for the night. And now she finds this. A man walked by and handed her a stick. He smiled politely.

“You are a visitor, aren’t you?” he asked.

J smiled back. ” Yes. I just stopped to rest for the night.”

“You are lucky,” he gestured to the citizens. “Tonight is our special night. Just do what we do.”

“Okay….”

He stopped and looked at the sun. It sat low on the horizon and the sky way growing darker. “It’s time”

J tilted her head and looked at him curiously but he had started to yell, “It is time!” The town began to beat the sticks in unison, steadily and then they all began to say one word. It took her a few moments to figure out what they were chanting. When she understood, it didn’t dispell her puzzlement. But she beat her stick and chanted, “City…..city……city….”

Slowly the sun set and the sky became dark. Then, as if from nowhere, people _appeared_ all around the streets. The population stopped chanting and began running and embracing these newcomers. J stood in shock. The man that stood beside her spoke and jolted her back into reality.

“Tonight is the only night that we have with them a year.”

“Who do you mean?” she managed to whisper.

“Our angels. Tonight is the Night of Angels.”

“Why has no one ever heard of this before?” she asked, unable to believe.

“Because those that speak of it are considered insane.”

At that point the man ran off to embrace a little girl and she saw tears of joy glistening on both their faces. She walked down the street openly staring at the angels. They seemed to have a pale glow around them. Like an aura. Soon she came to a bench and she sat…alone…set apart from the town more than she could have ever believed possible.

Shouting drew her attention to a bench nearby. As she watched a man with a woman standing by his side shook his head violently and shouted something to a beautiful woman-angel. She seemed to be pleading and one of her hands reached out for him and…..passed right through his arm. J gasped but the man didn’t seem disturbed. He simply turned his back to her and walked away with a normal woman on his arm. The angel stood, with her arms outstretched for a moment, then she collapsed to the bench and wept. J started to move toward her but a hand on her shoulder made her pause. She turn and found herself facing a handsome young man, who had that aura about him. He inclined his head toward the woman-angel.

“Leave her. There is nothing that can comfort her now.”

J got upset. “Let me at least put my arm around her. Let her know that she isn’t alone.”

He shook his head gently. “She is. That man that you saw with her, he was her fiancee.”

“Then why did he have that other woman? Why was he shouting at her?”

“It is part of the price for tonight.”

“Price? I knew there had to be a catch.”

He smiled grimly. “Yes. And it is a heavy tax. For an angel and a mortal that love each other can never touch. If they attempt to, it will be as you saw. They will pass though as if the other never existed.”

She frowned. “But I saw a father pick up his daughter…”

“Platonic love is fine. But true, romantic love….that is the price that we must pay.”

“So what will happen to her?”

He thought for a moment. “He was informing her that he was leaving. That he couldn’t be satisfied with a dead woman whom he could not touch.” He paused and drew a long breath. “She knew that this day was coming. That one day he would leave her. It happens to all those who are like her.”

Her eyes were sad as she spoke. “Has it happened to you?”

“Yes,” he whispered. “But I made my decision to continue coming back. She probably won’t. He was all she had.”

“I’m sorry.”

He sat next to her. “Don’t be. I enjoy coming back to see everyone. I still have friends. But most of them leave after awhile. It can break your mind if you live here for too long.” He smiled. “I just realized that I don’t even know your name.”

Relaxing she replied, “J.”

“J….,” he repeated. “That’s a lovely name.”

She blushed. “Thanks. And you are…?”

“Scott.”

“Nice to meet you, Scott.”

“It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

They grinned and stood. He looked at her. “So, do you have any plans for the evening?”

“Not that I know of.”

Scott offered his arm and she took it, realizing that it felt as normal as any other arm, and they walked away, down the street.

J laughed at a joke that Scott had just told and she slapped his arm lightly. They were snuggled next to each other on the motel bed watching a rented movie. They had run around town like two old friends and by now they were both a little tired. Neither of them was really watching the movie. They were enjoying just joking around. But as the hours passed they grew closer together and the movie drew their attention. Finally it ended and J realized that she had a tear on her cheek. She started to wipe it away but Jason stopped her. Gently he brought his hand up and wipe the tear away. They looked at each other for a moment, the silence stretching….then he brought his face close to hers. After a moments hesitation he kissed her….or tried to. He passed through her like mist. J gasped and tried to reach to him but her hand passed through him. Scott brought hisself back above her and smiled sadly.

“I guess we know what this means.”

“No…this isn’t fair,” she said…her voice catching.

“No one ever said life…or death…was fair.” His voice was steady but his eyes betrayed the pain in his heart.

She tried to take his hand and failed. “I didn’t know that one could fall in love so fast.”

“It happens. But it is all the more painful.”

“Is there any way that we can be together?”

He shook his head. “Not that anyone has found. This is a barrier that cannot be crossed.”

“I will find a way.” She stood.

Scott stood next to her and started to place his hand on her shoulder but stopped in time. “What do you mean?”

“Just that. I will find a way for us to be together.” And with those words she walked out the door. Scott grinned and followed.

Quickly she walked down the street thinking. Glancing at her watch, she winced. there wasn’t that many hours left in the evening. Scott ran up beside her.

“There’s nothing you can do.”

“No! There must be something…some way…”

His face suddenly seemed older. “There is one way that we might be together. But it doesn’t always work.”

“Anything, I’ll do anything.”

Brown eyes looked into her grey ones. “Your death.”

J stood still, her face emotionless. Scott continued quietly, “But there is no way to assure your birth as an angel here.” She didn’t move and for a moment he wondered if she had gone into shock. Then without warning she reached into her bag and pulled out a gun. Quickly she cocked it and pointed it at her head. Before Scott could react she pulled the trigger. Nothing.

J cried out in frustration and cocked it again. This time Scott moved. His hand darted out and snagged her wrist. Quickly he twisted it and she dropped the weapon. He stared at her in amazement.

“Why did you do that? Why would you kill yourself?”

She wept. “I want us to be together. And you told me that this might be a way.” Then she looked at his hand, still around her wrist. His eyes followed her gaze and they both backed away from each other. She looked at him warily. “What does this mean? I still love you. Have your feelings changed?”

He shook his head. “No. I still love you.” He looked at the night sky. “There is a rumor that has been going around. That if one lover is willing to give their life to simply be with the other, then the curse shall be lifted for the rest of the night and each time that they are together. Looks like it was true.”

“Then, we can be together?”

“Yes.”

She rushed into his arms and held him tight as they both felt tears of joy run down their cheeks. He tilted her face up to his and kissed her gently, as if she might burst like a soap bubble. When he realized that she wouldn’t, he kissed her with passion and love. And she returned it.

Scott laid her gently on the bed and savored just the sight of her. J smiled up at him and pulled him down to rest beside her. Her eyes locked with his and for an instant she saw the depth of his love. And she was startled that anyone could care so much, especially about her. Scott then leaned over and kissed her. J quit thinking after that.

She woke to the light of the sun streaming through a window. Cat-like she stretched and recalled the night. It was at that moment that the meaning of the sun hit her. It was day. The night was over. And Scott had disappeared with the rest of the angels. The bed seemed too large and empty without him. Quickly she rolled out of bed and got dressed. Her clothes were strewn about the room. A sound in the kitchen alcove startled her and she went to investigate. What she saw made her heart skip a beat. There stood Scott…..making breakfast.

He looked up and smiled. “I hope you slept well.”

“You are here….”

“Where else would I be?”

She shook her head. “I thought that you would leave with the night.”

“You gave me back my mortality. I can be with you now. Forever.”

J laughed and grabbed his hands. They spun about the kitchen for a few seconds and then collapsed into chairs at the table.

“Scott, what do I have to do to keep you from becoming an angel again?”

He reached to the counter and set a plate of pancakes in front of her.

“Just believe. In me….and in love. And I will never leave you.”

End data points…

Are you seeing anything here? I’ll write later and tell you what I am thinking. I am curious of you see the same thing. I am still reluctant to put thoughts into other people’s heads, I think that I am afraid of the intimacy and familiarity involved.

Very gushy, huh? I don’t ever get that hopeful without thinking that I am delusional. Trusting that much is really hard too.

-Will

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letter from my brother

This tickled me alot. Part of it is from know Brett who is a very creative very introverted INFP. I thought I’d share.

I’ve got a neat family. I forget to be thankful, but on the whole I’ve got a neat family.

-Will

From:	IN%"jholcomb@preferred.com"  "Jim Holcomb" 16-APR-1998 19:15
To:	IN%"WJH3957@tntech.edu"
Subj:	Home when?

Will,

Call home now. Mother wants you to call home now. She wants this because she wants to know when you’ll be returning home. Mother wants you to call home now. CALL HOME NOW!!! Urgent! NOW!! No.. No.. not later.. NOW! Apparently she wants to stress emphasis in this message. That emphasis being directed upon NOW. URGENT! EXTREMELY IMPORTANT!!! As in approximately the time it takes to read this, to the time it takes you to read the rest, and to call home. By the way: You should call home A.S.A.P. Now that is, or rather just after you read this… and the rest even(including this). And right about now you’ll be calling home, but only if the text is still there at that time, and even then there is the thought… Yep right about… NOW!

Sincerely Brett,

P.S. You won’t read this because you’ll have followed the previous instructions and called home then, but you need to know that if you’re reading this, and haven’t called home yet you need to do so.

P.P.S. Since it’s definitely impossible you’ll read this I won’t say it again, but if you happen to read this message after you’ve called and after you’ve read this message you don’t really need to call home again unless otherwise notified.

I’m gonna go call home. =)

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