This is a journal that I have been wanting to write for a while. Finding the time has been quite difficult, but hopefully I can get it done now.
I have been thinking alot about a very deep seated fear that I have of being oblivious; of not being in touch with reality. It shows up alot when I am in a group of people and I am afraid that I will say the wrong thing and break some unspoken rule.
Something that I have seen very very slowly changing is I am losing my paranoia about my separation from the rest of humanity. Back in high school in the transition period where I was coming out of not having any friends whenever someone would ask me to do something I would create elaborate fantasies as to how they were going to lure me in until I trusted them and then they were going to hurt me.
I still have a huge amount of difficulty trusting or attaching to anyone. It is something that bothers me in my relationships, both with my friends and my family and romantically. I do not want to be alone, and I keep thinking that if I don’t attach to people then eventually they will leave me to find someone who will.
What do I mean be attachment? I mean like, romantically, I hear songs on the radio that is some guy or girl mourning the loss of a special someone. I don’t understand how to do that. I think about losing people that I care about and I don’t know how to feel a deep sense of loss. I feel so cold when I do it. I tell myself that if I wasn’t being defensive then I would know how to do it.
I can see uniqueness in people. I can see the things that they do well and the hurdles that they have yet to cross, but…
I cannot figure out what is wrong. I have tried several times to express this problem that I think that I have. I think that I have a problem. I think that I should be doing something differently, but I don’t know what and I don’t know why.
The thing that bothers me is my separation from people and my isolation. I thin that I should feel more. If my father were to die then I should be torn up inside. If J and I were to break up then I should despair. And I do a little, then I don’t. I shouldn’t have the control that I do over myself.
I am really afraid of screwing up mine and J’s relationship. I don’t want to mess things up. As I say this I can hear the word “again” tacked on the end, and that is true. I recognize the same process that went on in mine and D’s relationship going on again. I am detaching and pushing away. I am throwing myself into my work and into myself. I am not letting myself rely so much on J that were she to leave then I would suffer seriously.
That is what the problem is. I always keep control. I lean on people and care about people, but only so far as I know that I can trust them and that I know that I can hold myself up. I think that I should lean on her more; that I should open more needs, ones that would hurt if she decided to.
Can I do this? How would I go about it?
I really don’t know. I am largely self-supported. I do rely on other people, but not to the extent that when they aren’t there for me that it really hurts me.
I am saying rely, but I don’t think that’s quite what I mean. I mean… what? What do I think that I should do differently? What, in this moment, is lacking?
I don’t know if I should try to change or not. I don’t know if I would know how to change if I wanted to. Arrrg. I don’t even know if this is possible. I don’t know what I am talking about. I think that I hear other people talking about it, but I don’t know exactly what it is.
I think that I’ll go back to my original topic.
I have recognized for a long time that I pre-judge people alot based on their appearance and on previous experience. I am a racist and I have a bias against unattractive people. I don’t think that I am alone in this, but my perceptions are so subtle to me that I don’t know that if other people do this that they can tell. For me, I can tell that I am thinking from different places in my body based on what a person looks like. Most of where I think from stays in the same place, but there are little nuances that work their way in.
It is the same when I pre-judge people based on previous experience. I am thinking from a different place. Like last semester when I was rooming with V and he was annoying the hell out of me, I would expect whatever he said to be something stupid and lo and behold it was.
I have also recognized that these pre-judgements are largely self-fulfilling prophecies. Especially if the person is borderline. V would come in and I would start reacting to him like he was stupid even before he said anything and usually I would help push him into defensiveness. I think that it works the same way with other interactions, though not to the same extent because I am usually farther off base and don’t usually push quite as precisely.
This is a question that I had when I first got here, what values are there in stereotypes and is it possible to exist without them?
Discussion of this ties into another idea that I have tried to put out before with very limited sucess it seems. I am wanting to talk about issues and concepts which I consider to be taboo. I want to do so unapologetically. I have written before about the truth and said that the freedom to say a statement like “I think that fat people are stupid” is an important part of the growth process. I consider that statement to be truth. I don’t consider it to be absolute truth or even deepest truth, but if it is the deepest truth that I can see then I don’t think that it is necessarily a fact that there is a deeper motivation.
Hang on, back up. What I am working from is a series of journals that I wrote a while back about non-censorship. I still agree with what I said before in that I think it is important for a person to be able to say what is on their mind without fear of retribution. I got several replies from H trying to point out to me that whatever pops into my head isn’t necessarily the truth. I recognize her point and on some level I disagree with it. No, whatever pops into my head isn’t absolute truth, very oftentimes there are unconscious motivations driving it, but at the same time it does exist ad I did think it, so it is a form of truth. If in no other form that I say “I think that fat people are stupid.” Yes, it is very likely that there is something driving that statement, probably in my case my fears that I am overweight and the dehumanization that I did of obese people when I was wrestling so as to avoid becoming one. I have never tried to say that the statement “i think fat people are stupid” is anything absolute, just that I need the freedom to say it.
I place the importance on freedom and non-censorship, because just as it is immediately apparent that the statement “I think fat people are stupid” is driven by some unconscious fear, which is bad and wrong, so is “God doesn’t exist” driven by Satan, which is bad and wrong. That is not a very good example, but is what I am saying clear? I do not trust myself to know what is wrong and what is right, or at least I think that it is important to suspend those judgements sometimes and simply say whatever the answer is. If the answer is “fat people are stupid” then so be it.
If I have a statement driven by a fear then the best way that I have found to get at the fear and get rid of the statement is to allow myself to say whatever is on my mind. If there is a fear of being fat hidden under the statement “fat people…” then who will I get to the fear and integrate it if I refuse to look at the statement?
That is one of the reasons that I like reading dumps. I like seeing people let go of the filters and let some raw, uncensored, not pretty, mess hang out. I dislike falseness above everything else I think and I would rather have a person tell me that they think that they think that fat/black/female/male/whatever people are inferior and honestly mean it than to have them lie to me and be accepting.
A big question that I had before is how could a group like this operate if the members didn’t play nice and censor? At the beginning of last semester when I was operating under this philosophy I sent out several journals about mine and D’s relationship that were, to say the least, rough.
I don’t think though that they changed anything about D. The fact that I was thinking and saying all these things didn’t change anything about her and it didn’t necessarily have to hinder our relationship. I wrote a little scenario a while back while trying to describe these ideas about a little boy at his parent’s cocktail party who tells one of the guests that “he sure is fat.” What has changed? Is the man suddenly any fatter than he was? Do the people all of a sudden recognize “oh my gosh, that man is fat, I didn’t notice that before”?
Except the latter does happen to some extent. I have watched group opinion swayed by voices within the group and for some people the man might suddenly have fallen under the classification of fat whereas before he did not.
A would talk to me about being tactful and I have shifted several times as to what I think about the practice. I think that it is very important to be complete in telling the truth, but as for couching what I say so as to protect other people I do not know. I recognize the necessity of prudence in dealing with some people who if I smack hard enough I might hurt unnecessarily, but is it not possible to develop relationships wherein this is not necessary?
I have always dreamed of having a relationship where I felt comfortable saying whatever came to my mind and not having to worry that I would scare the other person off or make them think less of me. Is this possible? Do I always have to censor who I am?
Cool, I get to tie in my new (actually old, but I am revamping) theory of human nature. Do you remember the section of _The_Last_Temptation_ _of_Christ_ that I sent out a while ago? It included a quote to the affect that Jesus knew that he was the son of God because when he looked at everyone he felt pity and when he looked into the eye of an ant he could see the face of God. What if people are essentially compassionate? What if they are in essence called to want to help one another and people’s actions contrary to this are defenses. I think that I see pain and fear in people when they are malicious. I have as of yet to meet a bad person, though there are some that I don’t know about. I don’t know anyone who enjoys being unnecessarily hurtful from a clear place, but I do know some who seem to not be connected with compassion and I don’t know if they are meant to be.
If people are fundamentally compassionate then not censoring would eventually work out as they dump and get rid of the crap that is hindering their compassion.
It’s like a passage that I heard rumored to be in _The_Lord_of_the_ _Rings_ about wizards. It was saying that for a little wizard it was not nearly as dangerous for him to be nearly completely black as it was for a great wizard to have a little black dot. For me, doing work with not censoring has given me access to possibilities that I would not have let myself have access to otherwise. I have the potential to do things that I wouldn’t otherwise have been able to do. It seems like a non-sequitur inserting this here.
Let me go back.
I just got off of Re-search yesterday afternoon and one of the things that I always think about at search is the process of supporting. (I don’t think that I’m really giving a big secret away in saying this.) At search there is alot of support of people by people who hardly even know them. For me, being supportive is something that I take really seriously and I don’t get up to support a person unless I really feel it. It’s like telling a person that I love them, which I have now done a grand total of twice. I won’t do it unless I really really believe it.
One of my questions is do other people connect and support better than I do or do other people not think about it like I do? I know that it is a mix. I don’t understand the process of support. I remember at the beginning of the semester I thought that I understood it, but I forgot somewhere along the line. I have no idea where it went.
Bleh, I don’t like this. I want to understand what I am doing. Not being supportive is the same thing that I was saying about not leaning on people. I keep a certain distance. I maintain a certain separation. Why? Is it healthy? Am I afraid of something?
I think about it and I get to the point where I just want to throw up my hands and give up. N and J stopped by a while ago to say hi and let me know that there had been a cor meeting. I thought that we weren’t going to have one. Oh well…
I was watching how they were interacting and there is a freedom in N’ actions that I don’t have. I’ve been thinking about this for a while. It’s like the inside of my head is a big hall into which thoughts come and carved out of the side there is a little alcove where a little guy sits and gives perspectives on everything that comes through. He is there nearly all the time.
I don’t know how to just have fun. I am always watching myself and taking notes. A while ago Wayne was going to teach me how to just be stupid for a while, but it didn’t work. It is really bad in intimate or social situations or when I’m by myself come to think of it. Always I am watching and evaluating. My interactions just don’t seem to flow.
I think that the separation and the evaluation are in part lingering affects of my past. I definitely see value in being able to not be pulled around by people and also in being able to evaluate motives, but I think that a big part of my motivation is still fear.
In watching N for the first time I thought, already, that maybe J would be better off with someone more stable. It took me longer than this to start thinking that D might be better off with someone else. I really don’t like my instability and uncertainty. I don’t want to drag someone else around through my crap. In short, I want to maintain my separation. I asked earlier how I could break down the separation, I guess here is my answer. Do I want to do this?
My fears here are the reason that I began this long ago. I am afraid that people will think stuff about me and I will be pre-judged and I will be oblivious to it. I don’t like thinking that other people are thinking that I am immature. I get paranoid and second guess people because I know that it is like what it is with fat people. Will someone tell me what they are thinking? Probably not. But what they are thinking will affect how they interact with me. I don’t want to go back to the life that I had before where people treated me differently from everyone else. I don’t want to lose my friends. I want to be respected, or at least told the truth. I see what people are doing to V and I think that it could happen to me too and I don’t want that.
That is what my evaluator was always good for, it could watch what I was about to say and help me to manipulate people into liking me more. I don’t really like manipulating people though. I wish that I could have friends and not have to lie to them. Maybe I can, I don’t know.
One of the reasons that I am writing this is in response to something that J wrote that was expressing her frustration about her family’s moving. She apologized alot for doing it. I want to explain how important the truth is to me and how much I want her to feel free around me. I don’t want to use someone. I want to be equal. I am afraid oftentimes that she is thinking things about me but she won’t tell me because she doesn’t like making me uncomfortable. I want her to feel free to whack me if whacking is what she want to give. I don’t think that she will be malicious and having freedom of expression is very important to me.
Right now I think that it might make our relationship rough at times, especially if she were to poke me in the right spot and I got defensive, but I think that in the long run the benefits would outweigh the difficulties. The committment to honesty and trying to say the truth without judging is the same committment that I have made for myself and I get along with me pretty well most of the time.
I had all of this stuff going on in my head and it was really hard to participate. It feels somewhat clearer now. I think I’ll write more later. Thanks for reading.