Archive for March, 1998

sj: on letting go

We are in the middle of doing the resentment process right now. I am looking at letting go of my resentments towards D, I really don’t want to do this.

Almost all of the benefits I am getting I do not have a problem with letting go of, but there is one that I do not want to lose. In my self-righteousness in relation to D I get a clear picture of how things happened. I did a few things, but by and large she screwed it up. My picture of what happened is still fairly simple, either she messed it up by being controlling or I messed it up by not committing. I really don’t know what really happened. I can think of alot of different ways to see things, but I do not know how to validate any of them. I don’t know what happened and while I am resenting D I get the benefit of a clear understandable picture of what happened.

I have been toying with a paradigm shift as of late when I am out with different groups. Last night when I was out with T and MM I was recognizing that I have a set of statements that I do not have the right to speak; that I am invalid. I was looking at it objectively and venturing to say some stuff and I was met with good responses on the whole. They didn’t treat me like I said something stupid or like I was invalid.

My sense of authority and validity is tied to the idea that I am capable of interacting with people and not screwing things up. When I pull out the idea that D screwed up our relationship I don’t know if I can do it or not. Maybe I eventually screw things up.

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I talked to V tonight about Shelly. She recently broke up with her boyfriend back home and he was really hoping that she would start going out with him. He was really let himself hope and he was fairly certain that she would start going out with him.

He talked to her tonight in send and she told him that she is thinking about going out with someone else. It hurt him really bad. He really was alot more open than usual and he is really hurting. I don’t know if I am throwing my own stuff into it or not, but as I was listening to him I was going into the pain and it is so deep that I can’t even feel the bottom. He is protecting himself some, but it is still huge. I can’t even imagine trying to deal with it.

He was crying which really impressed me. Both because of how hard it is for me to cry and because of how open he was being. I am going analytical some and analyzing what went on. I’ll stop that for now.

In short V is really hurt. I am here for him, but I don’t know what I am doing. I am doing the best that I know how. I am afraid that my own problems will cause problems that he doesn’t need to deal with. Also I am still very concerned about his grades. He failed another CSc exam today. It is getting to the point where the odds that are stacked against him are insurmountable. He want to get involved in a relationship, but he doesn’t have any choices. And his grades are… Whew… I don’t know how to help. I’m trying, but it seems like when he almost gets a foot down he gets kicked in the head; again and again.

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sj: faith

This is something that I was wanting to write after I went home over spring break. I talked with my dad about religion and he spent much of the break trying to convince me that I was going to hell and that I needed to become a Christian. We argued alot and nothing really productive came of it other than I took a stand for what I believed and stood up and said that what I was thinking was as valid as what he was thinking, not something that I have done with my father very much.

But an important question that I tried to answer for him was, what do I believe. I do believe in something. There are certain ways of believing that are more appealing to me than others. I had alot of trouble getting just what the qualities were that I thought were important into words.

What I eventually came up with was that I had faith in faith. The thing that I looked for in a person to see if they were “doing it right” was if they truly had faith in what they were saying. This is a very F version of faith and I am not sure if it is limited in that respect. I want for someone to suffer emotional repercussions of their beliefs. Cold rational belief systems are not very appealing.

The cold and rational is not a judgement on the content of the belief system, I know several Christians for whose love and unconditionality are cold. They do it, but they don’t feel it. Feeling it is important to me, otherwise all that I can see is a system of rules with no real backing.

What was neat was I was thinking about this last night and I was also thinking about the quote that I sent out a while ago that said:

“The truly religious man does not embrace a religion; and he who embraces one has no religion.”

-Kahlil Gibran

and I recognized that the religious people who I think are really doing it right are those for who the belief system is a method to describe what they are observing. This is what Christianity was for me, I felt called to connect with other people and to selflessness and Christianity was the vocabulary that I found to express these things.

I was surprised pleasantly during Re-search when my leader gave her talk. She is a fairly “up” E_FP and she is a strong Baptist and I was expecting her to come in and give a cursory talk expressing a bunch of other people’s ideas that had no emotional affect on her, but she didn’t. She pulled from her own life and her own experience as the basis for her belief and I was really impressed. The connection of her beliefs to who she is is something that is very important to me.

I think that I am saying a version of what Gibran said in that for a truly religious person I think that the philosophy is there only as a means to express what is observed. The religion is not what is important, it is reality that is important.

The same way, when the beliefs become more important than what is observed, then real religion is lost and a person starts imposing a reality upon what is really there.

Is the viewpoint of needing to feel a belief a F thing? What is the alternative? I guess you could simply do an analytical observation and try to be in touch with reality. For me though, religion has to do with things that it is not possible to verify analytically like love and compassion. Is it possible to love without emotion?


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lj: oblivious

This is a journal that I have been wanting to write for a while. Finding the time has been quite difficult, but hopefully I can get it done now.

I have been thinking alot about a very deep seated fear that I have of being oblivious; of not being in touch with reality. It shows up alot when I am in a group of people and I am afraid that I will say the wrong thing and break some unspoken rule.

Something that I have seen very very slowly changing is I am losing my paranoia about my separation from the rest of humanity. Back in high school in the transition period where I was coming out of not having any friends whenever someone would ask me to do something I would create elaborate fantasies as to how they were going to lure me in until I trusted them and then they were going to hurt me.

I still have a huge amount of difficulty trusting or attaching to anyone. It is something that bothers me in my relationships, both with my friends and my family and romantically. I do not want to be alone, and I keep thinking that if I don’t attach to people then eventually they will leave me to find someone who will.

What do I mean be attachment? I mean like, romantically, I hear songs on the radio that is some guy or girl mourning the loss of a special someone. I don’t understand how to do that. I think about losing people that I care about and I don’t know how to feel a deep sense of loss. I feel so cold when I do it. I tell myself that if I wasn’t being defensive then I would know how to do it.

I can see uniqueness in people. I can see the things that they do well and the hurdles that they have yet to cross, but…

I cannot figure out what is wrong. I have tried several times to express this problem that I think that I have. I think that I have a problem. I think that I should be doing something differently, but I don’t know what and I don’t know why.

The thing that bothers me is my separation from people and my isolation. I thin that I should feel more. If my father were to die then I should be torn up inside. If J and I were to break up then I should despair. And I do a little, then I don’t. I shouldn’t have the control that I do over myself.

I am really afraid of screwing up mine and J’s relationship. I don’t want to mess things up. As I say this I can hear the word “again” tacked on the end, and that is true. I recognize the same process that went on in mine and D’s relationship going on again. I am detaching and pushing away. I am throwing myself into my work and into myself. I am not letting myself rely so much on J that were she to leave then I would suffer seriously.

That is what the problem is. I always keep control. I lean on people and care about people, but only so far as I know that I can trust them and that I know that I can hold myself up. I think that I should lean on her more; that I should open more needs, ones that would hurt if she decided to.

Can I do this? How would I go about it?

I really don’t know. I am largely self-supported. I do rely on other people, but not to the extent that when they aren’t there for me that it really hurts me.

I am saying rely, but I don’t think that’s quite what I mean. I mean… what? What do I think that I should do differently? What, in this moment, is lacking?

I don’t know if I should try to change or not. I don’t know if I would know how to change if I wanted to. Arrrg. I don’t even know if this is possible. I don’t know what I am talking about. I think that I hear other people talking about it, but I don’t know exactly what it is.

I think that I’ll go back to my original topic.

I have recognized for a long time that I pre-judge people alot based on their appearance and on previous experience. I am a racist and I have a bias against unattractive people. I don’t think that I am alone in this, but my perceptions are so subtle to me that I don’t know that if other people do this that they can tell. For me, I can tell that I am thinking from different places in my body based on what a person looks like. Most of where I think from stays in the same place, but there are little nuances that work their way in.

It is the same when I pre-judge people based on previous experience. I am thinking from a different place. Like last semester when I was rooming with V and he was annoying the hell out of me, I would expect whatever he said to be something stupid and lo and behold it was.

I have also recognized that these pre-judgements are largely self-fulfilling prophecies. Especially if the person is borderline. V would come in and I would start reacting to him like he was stupid even before he said anything and usually I would help push him into defensiveness. I think that it works the same way with other interactions, though not to the same extent because I am usually farther off base and don’t usually push quite as precisely.

This is a question that I had when I first got here, what values are there in stereotypes and is it possible to exist without them?

Discussion of this ties into another idea that I have tried to put out before with very limited sucess it seems. I am wanting to talk about issues and concepts which I consider to be taboo. I want to do so unapologetically. I have written before about the truth and said that the freedom to say a statement like “I think that fat people are stupid” is an important part of the growth process. I consider that statement to be truth. I don’t consider it to be absolute truth or even deepest truth, but if it is the deepest truth that I can see then I don’t think that it is necessarily a fact that there is a deeper motivation.

Hang on, back up. What I am working from is a series of journals that I wrote a while back about non-censorship. I still agree with what I said before in that I think it is important for a person to be able to say what is on their mind without fear of retribution. I got several replies from H trying to point out to me that whatever pops into my head isn’t necessarily the truth. I recognize her point and on some level I disagree with it. No, whatever pops into my head isn’t absolute truth, very oftentimes there are unconscious motivations driving it, but at the same time it does exist ad I did think it, so it is a form of truth. If in no other form that I say “I think that fat people are stupid.” Yes, it is very likely that there is something driving that statement, probably in my case my fears that I am overweight and the dehumanization that I did of obese people when I was wrestling so as to avoid becoming one. I have never tried to say that the statement “i think fat people are stupid” is anything absolute, just that I need the freedom to say it.

I place the importance on freedom and non-censorship, because just as it is immediately apparent that the statement “I think fat people are stupid” is driven by some unconscious fear, which is bad and wrong, so is “God doesn’t exist” driven by Satan, which is bad and wrong. That is not a very good example, but is what I am saying clear? I do not trust myself to know what is wrong and what is right, or at least I think that it is important to suspend those judgements sometimes and simply say whatever the answer is. If the answer is “fat people are stupid” then so be it.

If I have a statement driven by a fear then the best way that I have found to get at the fear and get rid of the statement is to allow myself to say whatever is on my mind. If there is a fear of being fat hidden under the statement “fat people…” then who will I get to the fear and integrate it if I refuse to look at the statement?

That is one of the reasons that I like reading dumps. I like seeing people let go of the filters and let some raw, uncensored, not pretty, mess hang out. I dislike falseness above everything else I think and I would rather have a person tell me that they think that they think that fat/black/female/male/whatever people are inferior and honestly mean it than to have them lie to me and be accepting.

A big question that I had before is how could a group like this operate if the members didn’t play nice and censor? At the beginning of last semester when I was operating under this philosophy I sent out several journals about mine and D’s relationship that were, to say the least, rough.

I don’t think though that they changed anything about D. The fact that I was thinking and saying all these things didn’t change anything about her and it didn’t necessarily have to hinder our relationship. I wrote a little scenario a while back while trying to describe these ideas about a little boy at his parent’s cocktail party who tells one of the guests that “he sure is fat.” What has changed? Is the man suddenly any fatter than he was? Do the people all of a sudden recognize “oh my gosh, that man is fat, I didn’t notice that before”?

Except the latter does happen to some extent. I have watched group opinion swayed by voices within the group and for some people the man might suddenly have fallen under the classification of fat whereas before he did not.

A would talk to me about being tactful and I have shifted several times as to what I think about the practice. I think that it is very important to be complete in telling the truth, but as for couching what I say so as to protect other people I do not know. I recognize the necessity of prudence in dealing with some people who if I smack hard enough I might hurt unnecessarily, but is it not possible to develop relationships wherein this is not necessary?

I have always dreamed of having a relationship where I felt comfortable saying whatever came to my mind and not having to worry that I would scare the other person off or make them think less of me. Is this possible? Do I always have to censor who I am?

Cool, I get to tie in my new (actually old, but I am revamping) theory of human nature. Do you remember the section of _The_Last_Temptation_ _of_Christ_ that I sent out a while ago? It included a quote to the affect that Jesus knew that he was the son of God because when he looked at everyone he felt pity and when he looked into the eye of an ant he could see the face of God. What if people are essentially compassionate? What if they are in essence called to want to help one another and people’s actions contrary to this are defenses. I think that I see pain and fear in people when they are malicious. I have as of yet to meet a bad person, though there are some that I don’t know about. I don’t know anyone who enjoys being unnecessarily hurtful from a clear place, but I do know some who seem to not be connected with compassion and I don’t know if they are meant to be.

If people are fundamentally compassionate then not censoring would eventually work out as they dump and get rid of the crap that is hindering their compassion.

It’s like a passage that I heard rumored to be in _The_Lord_of_the_ _Rings_ about wizards. It was saying that for a little wizard it was not nearly as dangerous for him to be nearly completely black as it was for a great wizard to have a little black dot. For me, doing work with not censoring has given me access to possibilities that I would not have let myself have access to otherwise. I have the potential to do things that I wouldn’t otherwise have been able to do. It seems like a non-sequitur inserting this here.

Let me go back.

I just got off of Re-search yesterday afternoon and one of the things that I always think about at search is the process of supporting. (I don’t think that I’m really giving a big secret away in saying this.) At search there is alot of support of people by people who hardly even know them. For me, being supportive is something that I take really seriously and I don’t get up to support a person unless I really feel it. It’s like telling a person that I love them, which I have now done a grand total of twice. I won’t do it unless I really really believe it.

One of my questions is do other people connect and support better than I do or do other people not think about it like I do? I know that it is a mix. I don’t understand the process of support. I remember at the beginning of the semester I thought that I understood it, but I forgot somewhere along the line. I have no idea where it went.

Bleh, I don’t like this. I want to understand what I am doing. Not being supportive is the same thing that I was saying about not leaning on people. I keep a certain distance. I maintain a certain separation. Why? Is it healthy? Am I afraid of something?

I think about it and I get to the point where I just want to throw up my hands and give up. N and J stopped by a while ago to say hi and let me know that there had been a cor meeting. I thought that we weren’t going to have one. Oh well…

I was watching how they were interacting and there is a freedom in N’ actions that I don’t have. I’ve been thinking about this for a while. It’s like the inside of my head is a big hall into which thoughts come and carved out of the side there is a little alcove where a little guy sits and gives perspectives on everything that comes through. He is there nearly all the time.

I don’t know how to just have fun. I am always watching myself and taking notes. A while ago Wayne was going to teach me how to just be stupid for a while, but it didn’t work. It is really bad in intimate or social situations or when I’m by myself come to think of it. Always I am watching and evaluating. My interactions just don’t seem to flow.

I think that the separation and the evaluation are in part lingering affects of my past. I definitely see value in being able to not be pulled around by people and also in being able to evaluate motives, but I think that a big part of my motivation is still fear.

In watching N for the first time I thought, already, that maybe J would be better off with someone more stable. It took me longer than this to start thinking that D might be better off with someone else. I really don’t like my instability and uncertainty. I don’t want to drag someone else around through my crap. In short, I want to maintain my separation. I asked earlier how I could break down the separation, I guess here is my answer. Do I want to do this?

My fears here are the reason that I began this long ago. I am afraid that people will think stuff about me and I will be pre-judged and I will be oblivious to it. I don’t like thinking that other people are thinking that I am immature. I get paranoid and second guess people because I know that it is like what it is with fat people. Will someone tell me what they are thinking? Probably not. But what they are thinking will affect how they interact with me. I don’t want to go back to the life that I had before where people treated me differently from everyone else. I don’t want to lose my friends. I want to be respected, or at least told the truth. I see what people are doing to V and I think that it could happen to me too and I don’t want that.

That is what my evaluator was always good for, it could watch what I was about to say and help me to manipulate people into liking me more. I don’t really like manipulating people though. I wish that I could have friends and not have to lie to them. Maybe I can, I don’t know.

One of the reasons that I am writing this is in response to something that J wrote that was expressing her frustration about her family’s moving. She apologized alot for doing it. I want to explain how important the truth is to me and how much I want her to feel free around me. I don’t want to use someone. I want to be equal. I am afraid oftentimes that she is thinking things about me but she won’t tell me because she doesn’t like making me uncomfortable. I want her to feel free to whack me if whacking is what she want to give. I don’t think that she will be malicious and having freedom of expression is very important to me.

Right now I think that it might make our relationship rough at times, especially if she were to poke me in the right spot and I got defensive, but I think that in the long run the benefits would outweigh the difficulties. The committment to honesty and trying to say the truth without judging is the same committment that I have made for myself and I get along with me pretty well most of the time.

I had all of this stuff going on in my head and it was really hard to participate. It feels somewhat clearer now. I think I’ll write more later. Thanks for reading.

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re: to E on Gibran

Is this enlightened or arrogant? (and if any pulls any “both” crap on me I’m gonna lay down some whoop-ass.) =)

“The truly religious man does not embrace a religion; and he who embraces one has no religion.”

-Kahlil Gibran

neither. not both, just neither 🙂

he’s ranting about the effects that having a religion have on a person. 🙂 and also talking about the nature of spirituality 🙂

he’s not being arrogant, i promise. just a little wise and thoughtful.

I was considering getting neither as an answer just because I was doing it mathematically and running through the solution sets.

Can you come up for an adjective for what he is doing?

I was using enlightened to mean a clear perception as to the true nature of reality. I have considered saying what he said, but I was always afraid to make the generalization. I don’t have as of yet have the basis to make such a broad statement and in general the only time that I can make them is when I am being arrogant.

How are you defining enlightened? If he is making an accurate statement as to the nature of something, that falls under my definition of enlightened (perhaps that’s not enlightened enough.) =)

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zq: Kahlil Gibran

Is this enlightened or arrogant? (and if any pulls any “both” crap on me I’m gonna lay down some whoop-ass.) =)

From _The_Little_Zen_Calendar_ for Saturday, March 28, 1998.

“The truly religious man does not embrace a religion; and he who embraces one has no religion.”

-Kahlil Gibran

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j: I'm a real college student now

Yesterday after three hours of Calculus II centroids, there arc lengths, pills and surface areas of revolution test I am proud to be the sufferer of wrist pain from writing so long. How many people can say that they have incurred math-related injuries? =)

I been studying too much, eh? =) Today is just a beautiful day.

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re: to L on the shadow poem

hrmm… no. 5 seems like running away and no longer facing the shadow….

i think i would write it:

5.  I walk down the same street.
 	I stop at the hole, kneel down and look in.
 	I have been here before.
 	I walk on.

I took number five as marking the imminence of a fall down another hole in another part of town that I hadn’t been able to get to before because I was so busy falling down the same hole over and over. An infinite loop so to speak. =)

I like your ending though. It’s very strong.

I guess the difference is that I don’t really see the shadow as a cohesive whole, it’s kinda spread out through a person.

An Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

1. I walk down the street.
    There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
	 I fall in.
 	 I am lost.
 			I am helpless.
 			It isn't my fault.
 	 It takes me forever to find a way out.

2. I walk down the same street.
     There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
 	 I pretend I don't see it.
 	 I fall in, again.
 			I can't believe I am in this same place.
 			But it isn't my fault.
 			I get out a little more quickly.

3. I walk down the same street.
     There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
 	 I see it is there.
 	 I still fall in.
 			It's a habit.  But...
 			My eyes are open.
 			I know where I am.
 			It is my fault.
 			I get out quickly.

 4.  I walk down the same street.
     There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
 	 I walk around it.

 5.  I walk down another street.

 	 A poem published by PAIRS Foundation, Ltd.
 	 Author unknown

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j: V (a ramble)

This is a journal that I began yesterday right after I wrote the other one about trying to work with V. I stopped because as I was writing I got a bunch of replies to my first journal and all of them were extremely positive. I got a helluva lot of positive strokes about being mature and insightful. I really liked it. A little too much I’m afraid.

This is something the Pat conveniently sent out yesterday:

“We do not have to live our lives motivated by fear or desire; we can appreciate each moment as a vehicle for developing wisdom… What keeps us from trusting and opening to our own experience? One way in which we prevent ourselves from opening to the simplicity and directness of each moment is by seizing upon some past experience and projecting it into the future. If it was a pleasant experience, we try to repeat it; if it was unpleasant, we try to prevent it from arising again. In either case, our practice becomes a struggling and striving with past and future rather than being fully attentive to what is happening right now… In striving to regain what has passed, we keep ourselves prisoners of what we already know.”

Seeking the Heart of Wisdom by Joseph Goldstein & Jack Kornfield pp 128-29

That was what I started doing. I could feel the pull to be manipulative and put thoughts into what I was writing to get more positive strokes. I stopped writing because I wasn’t able to stay centered.

So, I went off and glowed for a while over all the nice things that people said and now I am back. =)

I am having trouble coming up with a cohesive form for these thoughts.

N and I were talking as he was doing his Progoff inventory last Sunday and the subject of V came up, as N had a good many negative things to say about V and he was considering what the ramifications of sending these out to the group as a whole would be.

I agree with him that it is very important to not have to censor your thoughts. Freedom of expression is something that I value extremely highly and restrictions on expression are something that I am very lax to impose. At the same time though, I think that we have a good deal of control over what the “truth” is and while the things that N had to say about V were true in some respects, sending them out without the context of his hang-ups and issues was less true than it could have been.

This is what I talked to V about last night. He asked me what I thought about what had happened with E and he said that he wouldn’t apologize for what he had said.

There is a very fine line here. On one side I can hide the truth about what I think, to use something like what V was talking about for example, lets say I think that Veterinary Medicine as a major is a complete waste of time. I can hide this thought from other people or I can be open about it. Or (and this is something that I am just recently learning how to do) I can change what the truth is. I can look at Veterinary Medicine and the reasons that it exists and choose to respect it. At the very least I can pick up a solid opinion as to why I think that it is a waste of time.

V was last night, as N did on Sunday, arguing that somehow the truths about these things were somehow ingrained on their natures. A concept with which I disagree.

But, the truth does exist independent of me. Bleh, I think that I am saying things wrong. I know, (I just remembered that I have already figured out how to say this) I divided truths up into “is-ness” and “being.” What is happening in the world around me is what is. When doing a accusations and demands generator the truth statements are is-ness truths; I do not control them. How I react to them are being truths and I have all control over them.

There is some grey area where something like I perceive a person as being defensive is concerned. That is not something that I can empirically observe like if I drop my TV and it breaks, but it is something that is. There are also things like projection and displacement that can go on and distort my perceptions, so with the states of other people I have to rely on my perception of my clarity and centeredness.

I am starting to flounder again, am I making sense?

To get to the point that I originally had as I began writing, last night I had a conversation with V about several things and one of the things that we talked about was the fact that N wrote brave in his list of qualities for V and V asked me why I thought N wrote that.

I knew at least part of the reason because as we were talking we discussed how much N had changed since last year and we were comparing to V. I asked N how much he thinks he would have grown if he had been trying to do it within V’s life.

I was telling V last night about the times in my life when I had to deal with having crap dumped on me and with being prejudged, which I think that V is.

I think that maybe when we first got here everyone had maybe close to an equal footing; I don’t know you, you don’t know me, let’s get to know one another. After that it went down hill rapidly; I know you and I know how I am going to treat you because of the kind of person that you are.

I can see the self-fulfilling prophecy that goes on with people entering the job market; to get a job you need experience, to get experience you need a job. Except here it is the relationship market, not just romantic type stuff, but any type of intimacy. I know that I wasn’t born knowing about other people and how to deal with them. The hell the junior high and high school is is because we are learning how to deal with other people. Let’s say though that something disrupts that learning process, for me it was a rumor that I was a homosexual, for V it was probably a series of moves around the world so that he never got to develop and deep relationships. So while everyone else is moving on we miss a step and because the steps build on one another the gap gets wider and wider. So come to today, what do we have? He is missing a couple of pieces of relationship skills and because of that people like me are stupid and won’t develop relationships with him so that he can learn them.

Last night I could see this as I was talking to him. It sucked to see having gone from the person who was so frustrated because he was prejudged and couldn’t get his foot in the door to one of the prejudgers. I haven’t felt repentant in a long time, but I did last night.

I think that the important difference between me and V (if it is nothing more than chance, if CJ hadn’t been there and needed a lackey for positive strokes and included me in everything I wouldn’t have learned anything at all in high school) is maybe that I had a couple of little brothers who taught me alot about dealing with people. It is very hard to be arrogant about where I am when I can see a string of chance separating my life from his.

And last night I told him why N said that he was brave and why I think that he is brave. To get up everyday and put up with the prejudging and the crap.

I’m not saying that there are not things that are frustrating about dealing with V. I am not saying that he is a victim of life and not responsible for changing. I am not saying that he should be freed from the consequences of his actions.

We were talking last night about what he said about English as a major and I think that he has a right to believe what he wants and he has a right to be hurtful intentionally and if he does so he has the right not to have people want to associate with him.

This is the problem that I kept running in to last semester, that I have my values and I am not willing to sell them out because I “should” be friends with him. I have a distinct tendency to do the opposite of what I “should” so I fought this hard. I have found though that when I am there and I am solid to my values the attacks fall away. If I don’t give a person something to hit they eventually give up. So, I still won’t give up my values to be friends with him, but that’s a silly statement because there is no reason for me. If he gets upset and wanders off, so long as I have stayed solid to my values it’s his problem.

That’s a very idealogical statement and it get whacked alot in practical usage. Especially last semester when he wouldn’t let me play with his toys. That really irked me.

But, I’m wandering again, back to bravery. What I did when I was in V’s place with being prejudged was I just said, “fuck all of you; I didn’t want to be your friend anyway.” And I retreated away and away and away. As I was telling this I started to get loud and by the end I was nearly yelling “fuck you!” Latent anger? yep. After I was done V reminded me of the letter that he sent out last semester saying that he didn’t want anything to do with anyone and said that was what that was.

I am using the word prejudged and I am drawing a comparison between experiences that I had in high school when I was rumored to be homosexual and was prejudged because of it and V’s experiences now with people. I don’t think that there is a one to one correspondence, because the rumors about me had less to do with my actual person than do the ones that V is dealing with. Mine had next to nothing to do with me as a person; I was gay, not annoying or frustrating or whatever else. The prejudging is still there and I think that the real person of who V is is still lost in it.

Another thing that N and I were talking about in relation to V is that he catches a helluva lot more crap proportionally than does anyone else and he is not that different. I still see it alot that it is ok and socially acceptable not to like V. I think that he has been molded and people speak to their expectations of him as much as they speak to the person.

It is certainly much easier to talk to a projection, especially because I will usually get a bunch of defensive answers that reinforce the projection. It is more comfortable, but its cost is really high. Mainly all my reality and honesty.

Well, I think that I have wandered enough for today. More later I think. Any thoughts?

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sj: V

I want to avoid the perception of what has been coined a “chain dump.” There is going to be alot of frustration in this, but it is stuff that is already there and not something that is being fed off of what E wrote earlier.

I have been thinking about what E wrote and the possible repercussions… I have been very frustrated with V lately because I am in CSc 202 with him and he is not doing his programs. We are turning in program 5 today and he hasn’t even finished a third of program 4 which five is a continuation of. His grade is somewhere in the low 30’s and I don’t see how in the world he is going to be able to pass. The class is 4 of the 9 hours that he currently has and he is on academic probation so if he doesn’t pull a 2.0 he is out of school.

From talking to him his performance in his other classes is fairly similar to how he is doing in CSc 202. I give him a 90% chance of flunking out after this semester.

I am getting frustrated because I try to talk with him about it and he throws so much shit and games at me. It is so frustrating. He will not deal with the reality that he is going to flunk out if he doesn’t change his behavior and even now it might be too late.

What E did struck a chord with me because it is something like what I am getting closer and closer to doing. I just want to cut through all the crap and make him see what is happening.

I don’t want to be rough, but I am getting to the point where the gentle insistances and reminders and nudges are a luxury that I can’t afford.

The image that I get is him leisurely walking towards a cliff and I am walking beside him pleasantly trying to convince him to stop. He just ignores me and walks on. Then eventually I back up and get a running start and tackle him. It increases the level of contact for both of us but he stops.

I don’t even know if it is already too late. I don’t see any way that he can pull up his CSc grade. Ramsey said in the beginning that he would take programs a maximum of one day late and with a 20 point docking for that. He would have to pull A’s in both Art and Hon 402 then to balance that F, but we just took a test in 402 on last Tuesday where we had to name four of the six pillars of self-esteem and from talking to him he didn’t get any, and he has several art assignments he didn’t turn in. It seems so hopeless to even try and help. I don’t see how he could possibly get a 2.0 this semester.

I really don’t know if there is a better way to do things. I keep offering to help him and trying to get him moving, and it has worked a little bit, but he will only work for maybe 10 minutes and then his “head gets tired” and he won’t do any more. If I push all I get is some whining.

Through all of this there is the question as to whether I should be pushing at all. V isn’t the greatest coder, maybe he needs to let that catch up with him so that he’ll get out of computer science. Am I shielding him from reality? There was a time when forcing my values on someone like this was a big taboo. “You know what is right for him better than he does? By what right do you say that clarity is superior to delusion?” Maybe it is the right thing for him to flunk out of school. Maybe that is the life that he was meant to live. Or maybe with a little work he can have added capacity, clarity, and power. And his life will be better for it. It’s hard to say.

Any thoughts?

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