Archive for January, 1998

a cool note on the lt challenge

it has been really cool seeing how people are willing to respond and help me. N tried very hard to get me to take his car so that i wouldn’t get stranded and (this is the one that surprises me the most) V has offered to come to knoxville if i get stranded and pick me up and he is very serious about it. that really impresses me. i still don’t know where V and i stand. i admire his willingness to help me out if i am in need. very cool.

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yet another letter to D. am I making sense in these?

This is a discussion that D and I had. D called the LT people and Tat is someone from this area who is signed up to go to the LT weekend that is coming up. Most of this is my ideas (when I write, boy do I write.) If any thoughts pop up as you read, let me know.


From: TTU::WJH3957 “W.J. Holcomb — Mr. Happy =)” 30-JAN-1998 01:10
To: D
Subj: Tat

Daniel took a message the Tat will not be going to this LT weekend. I hope to find someone who is headed towards Nashville or somewhere further west to drop me at the Cookeville.

I wanted to know how you meant selfish. I do not use it like that at all. Selfish is playing small. CJ and L were fighting and I got caught up in it and she said that I was arrogant and self-absorbed; I hear these things alot. People do not understand self-centeredness and how it differs from selfishness. In one I am trying to work on who I am and the other I am trying to not work on who I am. There is certainly the danger, I have found, in forgetting about the world outside and about the needs of other people. But that is valuable sometimes and is an integral part of getting places. I support 100% what you are doing. I hadn’t taken your feeling responsibility for me into account because I take responsibility for so few people (one of my failings I think.) You are not really selfish (IMO) it is a form of selflessness in realizing that you have to change yourself in order to be what you need to be.

I will do my best not to have anything to do with you over the weekend. I have been thinking that I can do me by myself and that sounds and feels like a good idea. There is the remote possibility that Sunday night will come and I will be stranded in Knoxville, would you like me to leave you completely alone in this case or would you like the opportunity to decide at that point? Know that I may suffer a good bit as may other people based on your decision, but I present it to you, I know not really why.


To:	WJH3957 "W.J. Holcomb -- Mr. Happy =)"
Subj:	RE: Tat

i would like the opportunity to decide when such a point happens. how does the message you sent read to you? is it trying to guilt me or is that just me? trying to reality check it here.


this is a test.

From:	TTU::WJH3957      "W.J. Holcomb -- Mr. Happy =)" 30-JAN-1998 09:40:16.09
To:	D
Subj:	guilt trip

I was not consciously (or unconsciously on any level that I can see) trying to guilt trip you with my message.

The thought process that is going on under what I sent is something that I have had to deal with over the years. I tell people my ideas, like the fact that I think being self-centered is an important part of understand the world and that it is necessary, and that is all that I really want to say. That is all that I really wanted to say last night.

The problem is that in the past I have had thoughts projected on me when I don’t explicitly say otherwise. I was afraid that if I went through and stopped with just saying that I thought what you were doing was a good idea without at the end saying that I whether or not you would give me a ride or not was important to me, then when you read it you would get the empowerment and not realize that other things mattered to me as well.

The last part was not a guilt trip. It is only a guilt trip when you are taking responsibility for me. I think that mature action is autonomous and fully aware of all the repercussions of its action. If you decide that you want to leave me in Knoxville then that is what you decide. I do not think that decision is mature until you recognize that what you are doing is going to make other people suffer. Mature decision making is not based on delusion. I was trying to make what I thought the ramifications of your decision are known.

I will support whichever decision you make. I would certainly like not to be stuck in Knoxville and I would appreciate a ride if I need one, but if you stand on your authority and say that you will not take me then I will deal with it.

I think that a good example would be in the take my hand exercise. I think that it is done best when I accept what the other person is saying as true. When we did it a long time ago, it was when we were just going out and Wayne said that he would steal you from me if I didn’t take his hand. I could have just dismissed what he was saying and tell myself that Wayne was just playing the game, but I do not think that is the most mature form of autonomy. The autonomy that I am working towards is the autonomy where I say that this is my decision and because this is my decision and I believe in it I am going to stand by it. I accept as deeply as I can that Wayne is going to try to steal you away and even that I will lose you, and these things hurt me, but I stand on the strength of my conviction that what I am doing is right and I will not take his hand.

So, it is not an unrealistic possibility for you to refuse me.

And again I have some things that I would like to say because I don’t want them not to be recognized. I think that I have and that you have a responsibility to help other people. I haven’t figured out exactly where it comes from, but I think that if you don’t help other people for selfish (small) reasons then you suffer.

Honestly, I do not think that it will hurt you unhealthily to ride in the car with me for an hour or two. You do not have to accept responsibility for me in any way that you do not choose to. I do not think that transporting my body from Knoxville to Cookeville is a level of responsibility that should be beyond you. I, as I understand things now, would be disappointed and frustrated if you were to leave me in Knoxville.

Those are facts. It would hurt me and I would think that it was unnecessary, but they are not a guilt trip. You can take them and accept them and weigh them and make whatever decision you want. You do not have to be anything for anyone. The only person to whom you are responsible is yourself. I really believe that.

I am hoping that you don’t take the trip coming back from Knoxville as an opportunity to exercise your authority, but if you do then you do.

I think that thinking this way is one of the reasons that I don’t get guilt tripped. I make my decisions to the best of my abilities and accept the consequences. So long as I am doing that I can recognize that something that I did was wrong and be sorry for it, but I don’t regret what I did.

The last section of my letter might have been spiteful. I can’t tell. The part where I offered not even to tell you if I needed a ride. I said then that I didn’t know why I was offering and I still don’t. There isn’t really a rational reason for it that I can see. Wow, I didn’t think that I did things “just because” but apparently so. Do you have any thoughts on why I wrote that?

Thank you D -Will

I really appreciate the reality test. I like being held accountable for the things that I do. It keeps me on my toes. Thank you.

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D is not going to take me to the LT weekend which leaves me stranded. I am not sure what to do. I think that I can get a ride down there, but I would be coming back at 12:00 on Sunday night and while I think that N would come down and get me if I asked him (he’s cool ain’t he?) I really don’t want to. That will be a really big burden on him and I think that it is unnecessary.

By and large this is very frustrating because I do not think that it is at all necessary. If D would like to gag me for the entire trip she is free to do so (though I wouldn’t like it.) I am frustrated that she keeps coming out with final decisions and she doesn’t talk to me at all. That was how our break-up was and that is how this was. Just boom. And then she doesn’t talk about them with me because the decision has already been made. All that she does is protect it and stand by it. I wish that she would talk.

Does she have good reason not to talk to me? Maybe, I am a very persuasive speaker and very few people can hold their ideas for very long when I am arguing. Also, when I get in argument mode I have a tendency to stop listening, though my control over that is slowly increasing. I do not think that I could ever rob D of her choice and I think that if she were to talk to me it would make everything much easier. As it is she makes the decisions and informs me, which is one level of autonomy, but I don’t think that it is the highest.

Get back to me on this. I am going to try to catch you before the SEE course. She will be leaving tomorrow around 2:00.


With the third paragraph I started to go into exasperation and then a twinge of anger. I haven’t really done anger in a long time. Hmmm…

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letter to D about going to Knoxville

D sent me a message a little while ago saying that she was not going to take me to Knoxville. This letter is my reply. What I want to ask each of you is, am I being unreasonable? I am trying very hard to be open to D and to be friends with her. I do not see anything wrong with what I am doing and I do not think that because we have broken up that we can’t be friends. I am willing to put the work into it and I am worth putting the work in for. Am I missing something? It hurts me that she doesn’t want to be my friend. I am trying so hard. Why doesn’t it work? Why can’t she see the light and the life in me when I can see it so clearly in her? I do not want to force her into going back out with me.

As strange as it sounds this is not unhealthy behavior. It looks to me like I am being clingy and needy, but I don’t really “need” her. I am a whole person without her, but at the same time when I am open to a relationship I am more fulfilled. Can I just go find someone else to be my friend and let her go? I can’t tell. There is some neediness that says that I’ll never find another girl, but it is weaker and weaker. The important question to me is if I keep trying to develop a relationship with D, is that constructive or destructive for me and for her? Right now, since it is bringing up so many fears for me and I am dealing with them I think that it is healthy for me. I also think that since it is so hard for D that it is healthy for her as well. She gives me so little information though. I don’t know what she is doing, I never really did.

Any questions or opinions would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you. (()) Love (that feels good) -Will

—- —– —–

This is going to make it very very hard for me to do this weekend. I do not understand why you are not willing to be around me. Why do I make you so uncomfortable?

I want to apologize first (I was planning to do this before I read your e-mail and what you just said does not change the truth of it.) When you were in the lounge this afternoon I did not say hello to you. That was wrong of me. It hurts me to be around you and when I am not near you it is much easier to stay centered and see my fears and control them. When you came into the lounge I got defensive and I forgot my committment to you as a friend. That was wrong.

I am trying to decide what it means for me to be committed to another person and to a relationship. When do I give up on being friends with someone? How much should what they do affect me? Should I just abandon all contact with you? On a deeper level, should I close my heart when I am interacting with you? From what I am seeing now, I never should close my heart, no matter how much it makes the other person uncomfortable or how much it makes me uncomfortable (which is usually the problem.) That doesn’t mean that I try to stay in contact with you, but simply that my heart is open. It is more a way of doing things than it is doing something.

Your refusal to take me to Knoxville put me in a very bad position. I do not have a car. I do not know anyone else that is going. You are going and all that you have to do is let me ride with you. I do not think that this is something that is unreasonable to ask. If it makes you uncomfortable (as it does me) I sympathize, but you are a brave and a strong person and you can handle talking with me.

I really do not understand what you are afraid of that is so big that you are willing to do this to me. Do you dislike being around me? Are you afraid of me?

I recognize my defensiveness when I am around you. I am working at clarity, but it is very hard. I can see that my detachment and “chatter” would be hard to deal with, they annoy me as I am doing them. I am trying hard not to do them and I am getting better. I think that I can maintain at least silence if that is what you would like.

I do not feel as bad as I thought that I would if you told me that you wouldn’t give me a ride. I have developed a good deal of confidence in my worth as a person since I started recognizing the part of me that tells me that I am worthless. I know that I am a good friend. I know that I care very much about people. I know that I am valuable. I also know that I am not perfect and that I mess up sometimes, but I can make penance and forgive myself. I do not think that you can dislike me and have it be based out of clarity (though I don’t know how to dislike anyone and have it be based out of clarity.)

I do not understand why you are refusing to take me. You have your relationship with L to use as a foundation to act from. Why can you not be around me? I do not think that we have to stay separated. I have been thinking about relationships and the different types and it is not that there are classes of relationships (like this relationship is a romantic relationship and this relationship is an acquaintance and this one is a good friend) it is the types of needs that you allow to be filled, and most people hide their real intimacy needs in most relationships, but that is not necessary. Real intimacy is a function of how open the people are and primarily a function of how open I am rather than the other person. More and more I find that if I commit to my relationships it doesn’t matter so much what the other person does. And also as I commit the other person is pulled down with me and they open up and get more honest as I work at it.

I am doing some power structuring and I recognize most of it. One of the biggest is that I am saying that you are still attracted to me and that is what is scaring you. I really don’t understand how you stayed with me, looking at the places that I went to from where I am now. And from where I am not I consider myself to be many times better suited to be in a romantic relationship that I was then, and I think that you would be able to see that. If you are fighting to hold the decision that you made for us to break up, then seeing me and seeing my attractiveness I really do not understand why you are not willing to be around me. My unattractiveness as a person does not hold up; I think that I am a more attractive person to be in a relationship with than I ever have been before. I have not been pressuring you to go back out with me; have I?

I have seen competitiveness in some of the things that I have been doing. I wrote a journal about a book of stretches and going to the fitness center in the morning and working out. At the end of it I said that it was a game, but I never said what the game was. One of the things that I found that I was doing after we broke up was as I was doing things like getting up and working out in the morning I would be telling myself, “look at all that D lost out on by dumping you. If she had stayed with you she would get to do things like this and together you would have done such great things. L doesn’t have the passion to act like this. They will never know what we would have known.” Saying that made me feel much better. It put me in a position of superiority and gave me a sense of control when I was having trouble holding one. I do not think that it was true though, at least not entirely. I still believe that we would have gone really cool places and I can’t really argue with that analytically. But the power structuring and the superiority were false. I do not see myself doing them as much anymore. I am getting better and better at doing cool things because I am a good enough person to do cool things.

I am trying to make this message as honest as I know how. I have covered everything that I can think of that I was thinking. I ask you as a friend to please reconsider giving me a ride. I do not want to hurt you and I want very much to stay open. I am asking you to please help me. If I did not believe that this was a right thing then I would not ask.

I have one more piece of what is true that I realized as I was writing. I think that I know one of the reasons that I have trouble integrating the way that I am thinking now and the way that I think when I am physically near you. Right now the picture that I have of my self is me kneeled begging with an open heart and the picture that I have of you is you receiving with an open heart. When I see you though I get very afraid and I close in some and you do the same and then the pictures that I have will not fit together. I think that if I work at keeping the openness with people, then I will not have as much trouble.

Thank you D. Regardless of the decision that you make I do appreciate what you have done for me. I learned a whole lot about caring about people and about love from watching you. Thank you. (())


Do you want the separation? Why? This, in the end, is what I do not understand. Why be separated from people?

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zq: W.H. Auden

Tuesday, apoplectic January 27, stuff 1998

"We would rather be ruined than changed,
We would rather die in our dread
Then climb the cross of the moment
And let our illusions die."

-W.H. Auden

Is this true of you?


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zq: Ludwig Borne

Monday, order January 26, viagra 1998

“Losing an illusion makes you wiser than finding a truth.”

-Ludwig Borne

I disagree. They are the same thing seen from different angles.

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j: on the material from the first 4Q workshop

Okay, as we do The Four Quartets, I am going to try to keep track of my favored interpretation, so that maybe I can pull a cohesive one at least part way through the poem.

"Time present and time past
 Are both perhaps present in time future,
 And time future contained in time past."

The best idea that I can come up for with what he is saying right here is that if the future is a product of the past, then all of existence is a deterministic system. And with a deterministic system, an observer with complete information about any one particular moment can extrapolate any other moment. So, the future is in the past and the past is in the future. All time is contained in every moment.

The concept that the world is deterministic is one of the hardest ideas that I can find to argue against. The only way that I can conceive that it is not is if somehow things just happen; no reason whatsoever, just happen. Otherwise things happen for a reason and the reasons have reasons, and this way of seeing things is what I see when I look around.

The only axioms that I really need to have human behavior be deterministic are that people make decisions based on their values and that people’s values are based on choices rather than spontaneously appearing from nowhere. Two assumptions that are fairly stable.

From those two, given any particular set of values and any particular set of perceptions (which are themselves choices based on values) a person will come up with only one particular decision. And so long as values are choices, they fall under the purview of other values, and there is a sustainable system created wherein my values are changing and I have free choice, but because of my values there is only one direction that I will head.

The only other option to this system is that I have the capacity to randomly and spontaneously start doing things, but this capacity cannot be formed out of choice for that would provide a reason, rather every so often people should spontaneously do things, but I don’t see this happening.

I am trying to put some mystical twist on what Eliot is saying and have him referring to some universality of time that is always present, but mindlessness prevents us from seeing it.

I don’t know if that is appropriate or not.

"If all time is eternally present
 All time is unredeemable."

I do not understand this one. It makes sense in the context of the first sentence if somehow you have information about the unredeemability of the system; if the system is all connected and it is unredeemable now, then it has always been and will always be unredeemable. But I do not see where he is getting the information about the unredeemability. Perhaps he is recognizing it in this moment.

unredeemable – adj : insusceptible of reform;

What do you know, I looked unredeemable up in the dictionary and found that the religious context that I was putting on it (the Christian redeemed, meaning reformed into something good) does not apply. All that Eliot is saying is what I am saying, if the future is a product of the past, then it cannot be change. Existence is deterministic.

"What might have been is an abstraction
 Remaining a perpetual possibility
 Only in a world of speculation."

Basically, we cannot know what might have been had we not made the choices that we made. I can guess and suppose, but it is literally impossible for me to know.

For me, I am projecting on this that it is better not to consider it because all that can be gained is dissatisfaction with where I am. There is no truth in fantasizing about what might have been had I done something different. It is a better task to work at getting used to what I got rather than what I didn’t.

"What might have been and what has been
 Point to one end, which is always present."

I like the way that C took this one. When I look back and fantasize about the choices that I made, then those fantasies are then a part of me as I go on my way, and they factor into the system and affect the outcome, which, because my fantasizing was predetermined by my values, is always the same.

"Footfalls echo in the memory
 Down the passage which we did not take
 Towards the door we never opened
 Into the rose garden."

I think that Eliot is describing the process of fantasizing about the choices that we make. This is me sitting and thinking about the life that I might have led had I gone to University of Tennessee rather than Tennessee Tech. I plan out what I think might have happened and what wouldn’t have happened had I made that choice.

The rose garden is the fantasy world that we create wherein we made a different choice. I.e. I went to UT and I never was introduced to a group like the Honors Program and instead of spending my time doing things interpreting Eliot, I go to parties and hang out with people. Perhaps instead of becoming a intellectual with social tendencies, it would have gone the other way and my primary concern would have been the social and I would think for fun. Another very realistic example are things that I have been thinking about since D and I broke up, I have lots of what-if moments where, looking back now, I think that I could have made a better decision, and I wonder what-if I had just done this then. The world that I create in my mind where either D and I broke up under different circumstances or where we are still going out is the rose garden.

It was argued in another workshop that because of how this passage is worded it is possible that Eliot is saying that we walked down the hall and past the door that we never opened and into the rose garden. I don’t like this interpretation, because I think that if Eliot had been trying to say this, then he would have made it clear. Also, going through the door we never opened makes sense after we walked down the path we never took.

"My words echo
 Thus, in your mind."

I think that he is comparing his words to the footsteps. In affect, reading poetry and thinking about it is an act of creation much like that of going through and creating a fantasy of what might have been. Both give me an opportunity to experience things without actually doing them. By reading Eliot’s poetry I create in essence a fantasy world wherein his rules apply and not my own. This is the same process as creating a fantasy world where different rules apply because different things have happened. Neither Eliot’s reality or my possible futures are real in the same sense that the life I will lead is, and yet at the same time my concepts of those possible futures will affect this life in real and tangible ways.

"But to what purpose
 Disturbing the dust on a bowl of rose-leaves
 I do not know."

Some people take the rose leaves to be the green leaves on the stem of the rose. I do not. I think that they are the rose petals.

I think that Eliot is saying this as he is preparing to recount his past (as the remembrance of the garden at Burnt Norton supports.)

If the rose garden is examining the what-ifs, then perhaps the rose petals are the values that he has gotten from examining his past and what might have been. For me, a concrete example of this are when I look at my tendency in mine and D’s relationship when she would get upset I would get distanced and avoid dealing with it. I can go into the rose garden and say what if I had been there for her when she was crying. The world that I create from that has us in a stronger and deeper and more stable relationship. When I come back from the rose garden I bring with me a rose petal that says I will value supporting the person that I am in a relationship and I will not let my fears get in the way. I collected several very rich rose petals from mine and D’s relationship and break-up.

The bowl of rose leaves are values that Eliot has collected over his life through his different experiences. They are dusty because he has not looked at the reasons for them in a long time, they are internalized. Just as when one day when I am supporting my wife I won’t be saying, “if I am not there for her, then our relationship will suffer and she will leave me like D did.” I don’t have to keep the rose leaves out all the time and constantly be looking at them. Eliot is preparing to look at where some of his values have come from though and that is him disturbing the dust.

I do not understand why he does not see a purpose in looking back at his values for the reader. Perhaps it is because it is already determined and he does not believe that any changes made truly matter. I really don’t know.

"Other echoes
 Inhabit the garden."

I am not sure what the other echoes are. The echoes that we have gotten so far are off of the footsteps going down the hall and from the (I am assuming) poet persona’s words. I think that the echoes are thoughts and constructions of the mind that are the basis for the rose garden.

Eliot is getting the sense that there are other things here that he has not seen yet. I do not think that he knows what they are, simply that they exist.

I think that perhaps the beginning section up to now has been him preparing to go back into his past and remember and now he is beginning that process. I think that this section marks the beginning of a perspective shift. Perhaps up until now he has been sitting at his desk contemplating writing his poem and now he has decided that he is going to begin.

"Shall we follow?"

He is deciding whether to go and find out what these things that he senses are. He can tell that they are there, but he doesn’t know what they are.

I do not know whether he expected the other echoes or not. I don’t think that he knew that they were going to be there when he decided to return to the garden.

"Quick, said the bird, find them, find them,
 Round the corner."

There is a definite sense of hurriedness with the bird. I think that the bird is in some way related to scarcity needs. Perhaps he is thinking that if he doesn’t go and find the echoes now, then he will never have a chance to.

The thrush works well as a representation of scarcity needs because it is a ground bird, and I think that it, like a killdeer will run around acting like it has a broken wing in order to lead a potential predator away from its nest. There is a false sense of urgency in both scarcity needs and in a bird acting like its wing is broken.

I think that when the bird first come up it prompts him into action without him even thinking. Round the corner is not the bird telling him to go round the corner, rather he jumps when the bird rushes him and goes round the corner before he knows what has happened. After the intial burst he catches himself and examines his actions.

"Through the first gate,
 Into our first world, shall we follow
 The deception of the thrush?"

He is asking himself now if he wants to go and continue through the gate to where he hears the echoes.

I think that the deception or falseness of the thrush is in recognizing that the hurriedness is an illusion. At the very best he doesn’t know what the future holds. I think that he recognizes that the thrush is deceiving him, but he is considering following it none the less because there is a possible gain in listening to it.

I am not sure what the first gate or the first world is. It could be an Eden allusion, but I don’t see what I could do with that, unless to say that the worlds created in the mind are oftentimes perfect in a way that cannot exist in the “real” world.

Perhaps Eliot is simply recognizing the beginning of a journey and that this is a new place. This is the first time that he has been in this type of world. This one works with the idea that he is saying that this is the first world that has existed with him and the echoes.

Perhaps, he is remembering very far back and the first gate is a reference to the birth canal and the first world is his original perspective. Whatever existed before he learned all of his values.

Perhaps (as Kaitrin suggested) first is not a chronological reference, but is rather a statement of preference. First as in the first one to win a race; first as in best.

I really don’t know, though the concept of the mind before values reminds me of what I have heard Bob Harwood talk about the mind of the child and I think that it is interesting.

"Into our first world."

He has decided to go ahead and go where the thrush is leading him to find the echoes.

And that seems like a good stopping place for now. We covered a couple more lines than this in the workshop and I will pick them up later. If anyone has some brilliant insights, let me know.

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note to D

This is a journal that I wrote this morning. The stuff at the end is what I think is important. Do you think that this is true?

“I was thinking about D’s eating disorder last night as I was talking to Wayne. I think that when I was in high school I did something like that. It started with just fatty food and things that were unhealthy and eventually it became any food at all. I would look at food and the thought of eating would disgust me. I never really found out if the food tasted any different because I never ate anything when I didn’t want to. I remember when I first started doing this I lost 35-40 pounds in under two weeks.

“I can still do it. Last night as I was talking to Wayne and remembering I thought about eating and it made me nauseous. Even now, as I am writing this, though I was pretty hungry a minute ago, I no longer want to eat at all.

“I have been wondering about the way that I have been eating lately. I have been eating one light meal a day. I wonder if that is unhealthy. It is certainly cost effective; I have been on one meal ticket since the beginning of the semester.

“How did I change my eating? I think that when the voices come up and say that I am fat and ugly and if I eat then I am a worthless pig with no self-control, I just roll over and give up. I don’t fight them. I just say it doesn’t matter; I am going to be ugly no matter what I do. There is nothing that I can do that will make me any more lovable, I should just get fatter and fatter and destroy myself.

[This is why I am sending this to you.] “I guess that D won’t give up on herself; she fights and believes.”

Good luck D. I think that you are strong enough. (())


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j: equality

Wayne and I were talking about when he asked the group to eat with their fingers at the dinner and everyone said that they wouldn’t. I realized in talking with him that I and the group as well would have taken the suggestion more seriously had it come from someone else, say M and if he had suggested eating with our hands we more likely would have.

Why is this?

I think that I prejudge people based on my concept of them. Rather, I know that I prejudge people based on my concept of them and I think that most other people do as well.

I am bringing what I think about other people into this because I don’t want this to be shrugged off as my problem and not have anyone look at themselves. Do you do this?

Does prejudging interfere with equality? Equality is an important value to me and I think that in order to have a healthy group it needs to be a shared value. When Wayne says something and I am not only hearing what he is saying, but also seeing what I think about him, then am I being fair to him?

At the same time, when someone shows repeated patterns of behavior, then am I not unwise to learn from the trends and watch for certain things?

Is there a value in stereotyping someone? Do I take some part of their humanity and their value? Am I really seeing them?

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rally rally truthes

I am sick of being scared of stuff. Fight fight fight!!

Just imagine me storming around being passionate about oppression and what not.

Yes, 100%, go for it!! Tell the truth. I don’t care what it is so long as it is true. No more living in fear. If you’re going to live, then live already. What are you afraid of?

Trying to do this is splitting me inside. Part of me will not let go and it is pulling me down. I am trying not to pull myself apart, but I am so tired of being afraid. I don’t want to go back.

But sharing the things that I wrote is not hard, I believe those things and I stand by them. Share share share!!! No more secrets.

I seriously am tired of playing games with people. I have given up with not doing it with everyone for the moment, but if we can’t handle it in cor, what hope is there? Please be honest.

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