Subj: n: about our conversation tonight
I want to apologize for our conversation tonight. I talked too much. I didn’t learn hardly anything about you.
The apology stands as it is. This is my thoughts; they are coming up all of the time. This is not an excuse, just some thoughts.
I have been spending lots and lots of time focused on myself. I have been writing about me and me and me. I have always had trouble maintaining my focus on other people. This is where I am having the most trouble because the things I do I recognize as disrespectful and egotistic, but I don’t have really big emotional ties to not doing them.
I recognize that I am using people, but I don’t feel bad about it. I want to learn how to care about other people, but it is very hard. When there is something big going on I can forget about myself, but usually I am the center of my universe. I have been working so hard at taking care of my needs and protecting myself that I think I have forgotten about other people.
I am not sure what to do. It is so easy to walk around in my self-absorbed haze. There is something that I don’t understand about how other people see the world.
Do you ever do things that are not self-serving? Use any concept of self that you like. If helping other people makes me feel good, then am I not serving myself by serving other people?
That is not my problem though. My problem is that I have forgotten some aspect of focusing outside of myself, if I ever knew how.
Do you see in me the problem that I am describing? What do you think?
When I try to think about it the picture is fuzzy. I don’t understand even what is going on, but I think that there is a problem. It is more than I don’t pay attention to other people, it is that I cannot see them except in respect to myself. I can never remove myself and what I need.
All though this I have voices popping up pointing out ways that this is healthy behavior and how I can do a great many things using it, but there is still a feeling that this is not healthy.
I really don’t know, though I lean towards not healthy.
The times that I forgot about you and the things that you needed, like in the computer lab, are here. And tonight on the telephone where you said next to nothing. I remember the things that you said, but most of the time was me going on about myself.
I keep saying the same things over and over again hoping that I will understand.
I know. I am feeding something. There is some beast that has always been there, that I have always been feeding with every word. I can feel him being appeased now. Look at me, I am doing good. I am figuring out hard things. I am doing the right thing. Aren’t I insightful? Aren’t I doing a great job?
Everything I do feeds him. I don’t have any idea how to get free of him. He is right up under my skin. He is all over my body; my dragon. If I could tear away my skin he would be there. All that I am is an act that he puts on to get his food. I am the skin. And I don’t think that he can ever be satisfied. It is his nature to eat.
I can’t fight this. It is like contemplating removing your bones; how do you do that? What would I be without this? Nothing I imagine.
He is loving this, he knows he has nothing to fear, and I am so proud of my new discovery. I will probably shout it from the rooftops. Certainly I will send it out to the whole cor .dis list and he will feed on the knowledge that some of them will see the truth in what I say and they will think me intelligent and perceptive.
Or I could not send it out, but that is certainly no better. Then I will be pious, look at me, look at how holy I am, look at how I suffer to do what is right.
I like writing about this dragon. It makes me feel good, because I know that this is true. I know that he is there and that I have no power. I suppose that he feeds off of the little bit of power that I get from knowing and talking about him.
It’s ironic, don’t you think, he is what makes me powerless, and he feeds off of power. He should shrivel up and die except that everything that I see that drives home how helpless I am makes me hold tighter to the few things that I have left. And he grows with that energy. It’s like in Star Trek where face some strange energy force that returns the energy that they put into getting free in an amplified form to hold them captive. They always get free by coasting out; do I know how to coast?
Is this my only motivation for action? Do I only do things to satisfy this need? It is certainly feasible. I’ll have to devise some tests to find out.
Can anyone really hurt me? I have been dealing with some pretty heavy duty pain for quite a while now. I have recently faced some major battles and come out unscathed. Does anyone see a chink in my armor? That is what I think I need; some gash deep enough that I can get inside myself; inside under the skin. I want to see the dragon, I think that if I really see him, then he will die.
Can anyone cut me deep? There are people who say that they can, but I doubt them. You say that you can make me lose control? I would very much like to see that. I would like to see that more than you know.
I am getting bored with this. I suppose that it has provided all of the food that it can for a while. More later I suppose.
They say that I am not the person that I fear I am. Do you think that is true? What if it isn’t fear, only knowing. Only seeing something that has been right in front of your eyes for your whole life?