Archive for August, 1997

short response to R's journal

Subj: this is pushing boundaries to send this out… 🙂

Okay, this is an old one that has for the most part been sorted out. When I first got it, I was knocked pretty much all the way down. R had felt funny in his interactions with me, but I just kinda thought that this was how he acted in a social context which I had not really had much experience with him in.

I was worried that I was going to lose D for a bit. I was afraid that she and R would start going out and I would be left alone. I don’t feel that as much. I still am not really sure of what kind of committment D has in this relationship, or to what extent she has needs that I am leaving unfulfilled. It makes me a little worried sometimes, because I don’t want to lose her, and I want her to be happy.

As I read it again, all that really still sticks is the last paragraph.

the main things that have been going through my head seeing D with will: god, she’s getting into another codependant relationship (false; it’s coming out of my own jealousy, and i haven’t observed enough to tell, although it does seem like it’s heading that way); she’s going to suck him in like she did andy (don’t know; again, it’s jealousy at work.). stuff like that. from as impartial a place i can be, it does seem like their relationship is moving along very fast. it doesn’t seem particularly healthy to me. of course, it’s none of my business to judge, but that’s never stopped me before 😉

I feel like a non-entity here. “she’s going to suck him in,” what about me? Don’t I factor in here somewhere? I feel pretty stable, but I keep getting vague impressions from other people that I am not perceived as particularly such. Am I pulled around alot without my knowing? I do not deny the possibility. I do not see it, but if I were to really be pulled around easily, it would work best if I couldn’t see it. I put out a question to anyone with an opinion:

How easily am I pulled around, especially without my knowing?

Thanks.

-Will

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journal response to andy that goes into some of my ideas pretty hard

This is sort of a response to what H had written about the first cor meeting. Well, not a linear response, but it is something I thought about as a result. It is seeming like I have a more than (mathematically speaking) my fair share of influence over the group. I think this is founded. And it doesn’t’ really matter whether I am influencing people or not, ideally, but when I think I am making decisions not only for myself but for other people (as much as I hate it), then it exaggerates the issue. I can think of lots of reasons that people might pay more attention to what I say. I suppose that ideally I would have 1/n influence on people, where n is the number of people in cor. But, since I am an NT, and we know what is going on etc, (including some less trite examples) people might be more inclined to do what I do.

I would agree with your perception that you have more of an influence over the cor group than other people, but I do not see the basis for your “ideal” influence. All of the people in cor are not committed to the same degree, nor do they all have the same amount to offer in all situations. I am coming from feeling like I am outside of the core of cor. I can tell by people’s conversations that there are spheres of influence within the group, and whether they are formally ratified or not they exist. It bothered me (check that, it bothers me,) to feel like I am being judged and held back and not as deeply involved as I am capable of being. All that I can do is say how I feel and try to back up my perceptions of myself in my actions. I am not sure where I feel the authority structure lies within cor. I am part of it on some level, but not absolutely.

this makes me feel a lot more cautious about what I do. I know that ideally I would be doing kant’s thing and make every action as if I were deciding for the world, but I would rather be lazy– Until I am deciding for the world, or at least a small part of it.

I don’t understand this one either. How do you understand Kant?

My next thought was that I see only two ways to go. I want two things: to be able to do deep growth stuff and learn a lot, and have fun. I can’t reconcile the two. Not in a way that will fit into a life-style that I like. It seems like what H was advocating is all of us devoting all of our lives to doing deep head work. I really want to be more widely socially involved, but I am not sure how. So, doing it in my inefficient and largely ineffectual way is really hard to incorporate it with growth. Oh yeah. I think that one of the reasons I was so attached to the idea of dating alison is that dating her would add a lot more extraversion and partying to my life. It is kind of like I have two different lives. One at home where it is a lot of that is being social, and one here where it is all work and growth. If I had alison to get me into an active social group, similar (though likely more conservative) and I could still be in mentor and doing this kind of stuff.

Another sticking point for me. I am coming from a very different background than you are. I have never been really deeply involved with extremely extroverted type social interaction.

I don’t like this next part, it undercuts my own stability and leaves you with the upper hand so to speak. I am not extremely comfortable writing or talking to you. We come from very different backgrounds, we think differently, we are perceived differently, and you and D had a relationship last year. These are things that I am sensitive to as I write or speak to you, and they make me want to appear solid and stable because to some extent I feel like I am defending my way of being against yours.

But here I go. In high school I did not have the choice to be a part of the party scene. I had a nasty rumor about my being a homosexual that pretty much made me a social taboo. I would like to say that I had an opportunity to have that kind of life but that I chose the one that I have, but that is not true. “Cool” people are still very hard for me to relate to. They feel false to me, and I can never really talk to them about anything important. I think that maybe this is just because I am afraid of them.

Me and them, these are the words that I am using. Do they feel false? not really. There are people who I have trouble being “real” with because they don’t seem to understand where I am coming from. Could a lifestyle shape a mindset? Well, duh.

It is not all “them” though. I posture alot more when I am uncomfortable, and feeling like I am being judged to be less than “cool” makes me uncomfortable.

About friends. I like the people I am friends with here, but it isn’t the same. Part of me is saying that you think I should just be satisfied with the people I know. But I miss something. I am not sure what. I think that part of it is that there is a particular personality type, common interests etc that is dominant in the honors program. I have been friends with these sorts of people most of my life and at the exclusion of more mainstream people. And I think that is part of the reasons for this. I can’t find an exact one, but that may be close.

Okay, I am going to get to the point. I feel like I feel some iteration of what you are saying, but it is not the same. I have gotten more secure with myself and more adept at manipulating “cool” people (which I am now trying to move away from some,) both of which have given me opportunities as of late to be a part of parties and mainstream folks. I have not been able to find a place there though. I feel like I have to go mindless if I am going to have any fun. It is the same feeling that I had when I was with my brother and his friends the other night. When I go into that type of situation with my heart open it just tears me apart.

Alot of that is tied to alcohol. If I have two identical scenarios of people sitting around on couches and talking and having fun, and one of them has everyone with a beer in his or her, the one with beer hurts alot. I do not understand alcohol. The first one is great, I do this one often and I like it. I can’t go into the second without ignoring my heart.

Or rather I do not understand alcohol other than an artificial way to break down walls and do basic personality degradation. For me, I have never gotten drunk other than to help myself get past fears or pain that I didn’t want to deal with. The loss of motor control was entertaining, but getting to the point where it is entertaining can be done without the alcohol. Can you take it out of this context for me? Are there places that you can get to with alcohol or drugs (which I do not know your position on, but that are a big part of “party” life in my picture) that you cannot get to without them?

So, I can’t remember if I got to my main point or not. It is hard to journal while working helpdesk. Feeling more responsible for people, seeing that they may be influenced by me more than I think they should, makes me reconsider my attitude towards things. It would push me farther toward martyrdom, making me want to dedicate a lot more of my life to mentor than I would like. It seems like there is a balance that can be reached. Can someone be deeply involved in mentor and operate outside of introvert mode on a regular basis? I can’t figure out how.

From where I am coming from, it depends on what the extravert relationships are like.

I am getting better at getting to know more people as I go through growth work and become more secure with myself. I am developing relationships on a variety of levels with alot more people than I ever thought possible. I sometimes have trouble pulling out of an introversion if something really hard for me to deal with is pulling me down, but I am getting better at switching gears as I get more secure with being deep with myself.

If I was thinking about switching from what I see as the party scene to the mentor scene, then I don’t think that I could. Depth growth here makes it harder and harder to not be pulled painfully when I am doing stuff that requires me not to listen to my heart.

I guess that my desire to get to know a broader group of friends is because I know the people I know now at a certain level, and since I don’t want to go deeper, I want to find more friends with whom to work with until I get to this level, and then find more etc…I just thought of that, but it makes sense. I need to thin about that more. I don’t like the idea. While I can’t find any reasons I feel are fully justifiable, I think that my desire to get to know more people, is based in something more than projection. It could just be that I think that is what it will take to find a girlfriend. That is likely a fairly deep part of it.

thanks for reading,

andy

For this whole journal I want to ask you to help me understand where you are coming from. I am a little unsure still about not being “cool” and it skews my viewpoints into absolutes to where I am all right and the other side is all wrong. But sometimes there are reprocussions for our actions that are clear cut and follow a general rule (rationalization)

I don’t know.

-Will

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cutting through mail

kudos to andy. I definatel agree with him. my problme is wiht my perception, but i am glad that discussion has sprung up. hope no one is offended and i hope no one drops out b/c of what is said

I am going through all of my backed up mail and trying to get it all squared away, so several of these little blurbs are probably going to come out. Down and dirty, but true as I see them.

Hoping that no one drops out over this is not one of my concerns. I hope to see a cleared definition of what this group is come out of this, and if that means that some people realize that this is not something that they want to be a part of then so be it. i don’t feel heartless on this, it is more sick and tired of playing games and protecting feelings for no good reason. this kind of work has been for me very often uncomfortable and unenjoyable. i can’t really see how it can avoid being that for anyone at one time or another. i don’t want anyone to be hurt especially, but more so i don’t want people in cor who are not in some way committed to feeling the pain when it is necessary.

this sounds selfish and not exactly true, perhaps it is in the wording: i don’t want to commit to hurt for people who are not willing to hurt for me. this is not “i am only willing to put into a relationship what i can hope to get out.” it relates to how i am looking at my relationship with V. i am not willing to be in a relationship with him where he is just mindlessly pulling energy off of me and i am just throwing energy down a mindless hole that is serving no purpose. if he realizes what he is doing and realizes that this is something that he has to do for now, then i can be there for him, but if he is just taking and i am just letting him take, then there is nothing happening but the two of us are being destroyed.

-Will

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holy shit!

i don’t think i knew exactly what i was doing when i did it. i feel very nervous right now.

i think there came a point after i decided to jump where i thought, “i don’t know what is down there.” i had been thinking that maybe the bottom is padded, but what if it ain’t.

i know what it is like. it is like i decided to jump down to that little ledge down there, but after i jumped i found that i wasn’t going to come anywhere near that little ledge and i was headed way down into god only knows what.

what if i destroy the first romantic relationship that i have ever really felt at home in?

i am having trouble figuring out exactly what my motivations are right now. the committment to cor and myself is what made me send the journal out to the whole group, but why did i write it?

what do i hope to accomplish?

i have been looking at what i think about honesty and what i think about the reprocussions of being honest. i have trouble with alot of this because many of these ideas were not ones that i made up on my own and i am reluctant to accept them. i am doing this all on my own (mt)

the mindtalk tag (mt) is another one that i think i am going to become fond of. i have been sticking the statements (ones that are irrational parts of my reasoning structure that are affecting my decision making process, but that i am not really choosing consciously) into my writing all along, but i realized that when i am having other people read my writing it is not immediately apparent that these statements are not true, especially when i stick them in the flow of writing. So, “(mt)” means that the preceding statement is not true like the other statements. Hope that this will make reading what i write easier.

I was going to journal on my concepts surrounding honesty, but i am still a little sickly and today has been a tiring day for me. i hear my bed calling. goodnight all.

-Will

writing stuff like this that is more analytical feels quite a bit different than writing like i have been doing recently. i think that it is important, but it definitely doesn’t pull me like the other. i don’t think that it is less true, maybe it feels that way a little alot of that is related to this summer where most of my writing was more analytical, and i don’t feel like much of that was really true though i can see definite changes that i have gone through over the summer. i guess i’ll think about it more.

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last journal

I feel so unstable right now. I wrote that last journal over the course of the day, and whenever I would come back to it whatever I had just written wouldn’t feel right. I got that really strongly just now when I was spell checking it to send out. I don’t know if it is true or not. I can’t tell right now. Little reasons why it is a pile of manure keep popping up, and I don’t know which voices are the “true” ones if either of them are. In the end I just hit control-z and decided to go with it even though I was (and still am) uncertain.

I just want some answers. That sounds like a foolish thing to try to demand even as shaken as I am right now. =)

() -Will

May God have mercy on my soul.

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journal — hard core stuff (wait till the end)

Here I am again, back home. I feel different here than I do at school, there is not really anyone here that I see as sharing the values that I do. It makes me look at the, and I find that I am not very secure in them.

I am thinking about just building a house sitting down on my ass, since that is where I seem to be spending so much of my time as of late. I have had four pretty big shocks over the last two days, and two of them have been knocked on my ass hard. The next thing that I am going to do is type up the journal that I wrote last night. I am really not certain about it right now. The ideas don’t really ring true or false.

I don’t trust my judgement right now. I don’t feel very centered. I am afraid that I am starting to latch onto the negative stuff and start calling it true, when maybe it is not. I don’t know. I want to know. I want to be secure in what I do and in the decisions that I make, but I don’t know. The voice in my head tells me that not knowing is a holy thing and I need to relish it, but I don’t feel it. It feels insecure and ungrounded.

I want to be honest, but I don’t know if what I am saying is really the truth. I don’t know what to do. I want to get this writing done, because I won’t have time to do it after this weekend, but I don’t feel centered enough to do it. I am writing all of these statements about how I feel to center myself and to pull my head together. I don’t want to just sit here and waste my and your time writing down things that are less than the best that I can do. I guess that the best I can do is the best I can do.

— 8/29/97 Journal —

Okay, I came home hoping to sit down and journal about the conversation that Lewis and I had after we dropped V off, but I don’t think that is going to happen.

It seems like once this honesty stuff gets going there is no stopping it. Opportunities just keep popping up everywhere.

My family has gone camping on the new river, but apparently they have left Matt, though he was no supposed to be in the house. I scared the crap out of him when I came in because [my family didn’t know that I was coming home, and] he ain’t supposed to be here. That ain’t what surprised me or shook me. It’s that he is in his bedroom having sex with his girlfriend. I don’t like that and I don’t like his drinking, but that’s not what I am going to write about.

I just lied for Matt again. I don’t feel bad about it. The phone rang and it was my neighbor who my dad wanted to check up on the house and see if Matt was being honest (wonder why?) It just occurred that this might be my revenge. I know that the longer I protect him and let him continue these behaviors the worse they are going to get. I can destroy him simply by leaving him to himself. Seeing him act immaturely and knowing that it is very soon going to catch him in the ass makes me feel good. (I can’t let this structure fall. I have poured so much into building this way of seeing things. If it were to fall apart I have no idea where I would stand. I don’t want to let it go right now. I don’t feel the call. I might someday, but I have too many balls in the air as it is. [too many balls is rationalization; I enjoy the feelings and I choose to keep them. There may be a reason, but it is not because I am already doing too much. That is false.])

When I came in I could feel the heavy censoring kick in. My vocabulary switches down a notch and my profanity switches up. I carry my body differently and my thought patterns change. I get alot more manipulative and start trying to control other people’s perspectives of me [more.] I talk with more absolutes and more authority. I stop really listening. I don’t know if mindless is the work for it, because I listen very much to what I am doing and how other people are perceiving me. I stop listening to God. I stop listening to my heart.

Sometimes I get a headache, but I don’t really feel pulled inside. [When I am with people who are doing things that I don’t normally like and I cover over the feelings that I normally get… What I am thinking is when I get around people who are still “asleep” and I am not, I go to sleep myself. It gives me a headache to do it sometimes, but it doesn’t hurt my heart to do it. I was going to use conscious malice as an example, but that is exactly where I am headed with this. Could I not be as holy(er) as I thought?]

I started getting mind statements when I came in.

— End 8/29/97 Journal —

Matt and his friends came back when I began this next section, and stayed around until I finally went to bed, so that is where it ends.

I woke up with the question this morning: do you hate him? I can’t tell. I enjoy being around him in a way, but… I can’t tell.

Stepping out of the journal, there have been a couple of times where I have done half of a sentence and then stopped it in an ellipsis (…) this is a habit that I am seeing myself getting into. When I realize that what I am writing is an translation of what I am thinking, censored to make it sound better, I am stopping and trying to go with what I see as the raw truth. So that is why I am occasionally ending in ellipsis.

After I talked to my brother when I came in last night, and I was alone in the kitchen, I started saying lots of stuff. There has always been a spirit of competition between my brother and myself. It was there in running and wrestling and it still exists for me at least in other parts of my life. My brother is much “cooler” than I ever was. When I am around a big group of friends who accept me I don’t really feel it strongly, but at times like last night when it is just me, I start acting like a cool guy. When I came in last night and Matt was having sex I started saying stuff:

“I could have had sex by now if I had really wanted to.”

“I wanted to wait until I could do it right.”

“He may be the first one to have sex, but I will be the first one to make love.”

“He doesn’t understand what he is doing.”

“She doesn’t really know him. He isn’t really loveable deep down.”

“The world that I live in is so much better than his.”

“I am so much better than he is.”

I have been thinking alot about sex today. I have some thoughts, but I can’t tell if they are true or if I am just telling myself them so that I don’t have to deal with the truth. I think that I am going to go ahead with them.

I don’t understand physicality. (This is where I am writing from now. I can remember standing in other places, but remembering them is like remembering a dream. They do not feel true, and they do not pull at me.) My body does not pull at me. I do not comprehend physical attraction. I can look at people and say that X person is more attractive than Y, but I don’t feel it. I know what an attractive girl looks like, but what does that mean to me? It’s like saying I know what a good painting looks like or a well built car. I don’t want to have sex with a girl because she is pretty. I don’t want to touch her.

I am headed to a place where I don’t want to go, but I have to. If I don’t I am going to have to start lying and I don’t want to. This is where I am not sure about the truth. This has the propensity to hurt someone who I care very much about, but this is how it is and she has no control over it.

D rates about the middle of the pretty scale. There are girls who are alot more physically attractive (that is the wrong word, because there are not girls who attract me more physically, but there are girls who I think are prettier.) I love spending time with D. I love being with D. I don’t know yet what exactly it means to say that I love D, but I think I might. It hurts me to say that I don’t think that she is the most pretty girl in the world, but that is how I feel. I want to be able to say that she is the prettiest girl in the world, but I can’t.

Drop again, but I can’t cover this one and blunt it’s pain like the other one. This blade cuts and that is all.

I wish that D was prettier. I would like to be able to show her off to other people so that they would know that I am good enough to get in a relationship with a pretty girl. Whenever I come home with her to see my family I can hear Matt saying in his head “She is only going out with him because she couldn’t get a relationship with someone more attractive.” (Do I think that statement? I don’t know.) I want to be a beautiful couple so that they will know that I am good enough. I want them to realize that I am a person who is desirable, and having a good looking girlfriend who could have had anyone might do that. I did the same thing when judging Judson. He was manipulative…

Oh God, this is rough! (brace)

and he was going out with an unattractive fat girl because that was the best that he could do. I didn’t like him because he had been with her, and I tore the guy up quite a bit. Other guys that D has been with still make me a little uncomfortable. I don’t know if she is still attracted to anyone. I like being with her and I don’t want to lose her.

I don’t want to send this journal out. I don’t want to hurt D. I really don’t want to hurt you with this stuff that you can’t do anything about. I want to love you like nothing else and never have any hang-ups, but I don’t often get what I want when what I want is painless and easy.

I want to be as honest as I can with you and with this group. I think that I am going to send this out. I don’t want you to stop loving me because I pushed to far too fast. I really want to be with you. The possibility that you will just dump me is not real strong in my head, and it is the only way that I could be strong enough to send this out. I don’t really know though, and I am scared.

It has only been a week (give or take nine months) but I haven’t hit you hard before and I haven’t been hit either. I would really appreciate it if you would share things with me. I feel bad when it looks like I am the only one with any reservations. This is also most of what I had running around in the back of my head, so here I am for the moment. No walls, no defenses.

I feel really vulnerable right now, so whenever anyone replies please keep that in mind. I want the truth and the whole truth, just please try to be sure that it is the truth.

I care about you very very much D. You set me free.

-Will

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journal — response to H

Hello Everyone,

I have been behind very much on e-mail and I am just beginning to catch up. I am responding to the journal that H wrote about the first cor meeting.

.......................................................................

i wasn’t wanting to believe A when she said that the newest people in mentor weren’t solid in mentor because they weren’t bonded to her.

I don’t feel attached to A, and I don’t feel really attached to mentor. I enjoy being part of the “in” group, and I like having who I am validated by being part of this special group, but as for what I actually get out of it isn’t very much. All that it has been doing for me over the last few months is giving me a bunch of people to send my stuff to, and to maybe help me to push my boundaries a little bit.

(I am feeling really apathetic right now, and I don’t really care if I am a part of mentor or not. This is not how I usually feel, but it doesn’t necessarily feel false.)

I can’t really think of much that being a part of this group has done for me, so far as interaction with other people is concerned. Some of the exercises like the self-esteem and Progoff have had slightly moving experiences, but all of those have been things that I have done on my own.

i figured that they still felt the call and could feel the intuitive pull towards some sort of path in mentor.

I do feel the call to what mentor is about (I think.) Being open and honest is something that I am trying to develop. I feel that I am doing alright so far as paying attention to what I am doing and not letting myself be led by my fears, but rather choosing to do most of what I do.

I feel fairly committed on the inside. I just don’t find a huge place for this in mentor, except for sharing things that are on my mind.

Being at the meetings has not been pulling me down at all. Part of this lies within me, but I don’t feel like that is all of it. I go down at other times, and in other places. The meetings feel too loud.

they all looked confused and said that they were doing growth work by getting together on occasion and talking about whatever someone wanted to talk about. they weren’t seeing that it was a social thing and didn’t understand the importance of commitment to a structure.

When we met last Sunday I felt like the meeting had potential. I dropped some when I talked about going analytical when I started doing physical stuff with D. The meeting as a whole did not feel very deep to me, but I do not understand the problems with the basic structure. Perhaps if there were some focusing statements.

i’m really wanting to build some stuff for myself and having to deal with children who are spitting up and soiling themselves is going to make that very stressful. i’m getting desperate about building new structures and this group doesn’t look like it will help me.

I don’t feel like I am anywhere near a real committment. I don’t understand what a real committment is, and I don’t know how to find out. As I write this, I feel like I am spinning my wheels, just like I have been doing with almost everything else. I don’t know how to do anything else. This is as honest as I know how to be, and it doesn’t feel all that honest. I don’t know if I am afraid of the pain, I can’t find it. I feel like I am looking, but nothing hurts very much. When I am not feeling so distanced it makes me feel desperate, because I do not know how to progress, no matter how much I want to.

Maybe I am afraid, maybe I am progressing, I don’t know. If making a committment is necessary to go further, then what do I commit to?

My head hurts, I have been clenching my jaw.

-Will

I keep thinking about Mark’s sig file. What about those who are incapable of believing regardless of how much they want to.

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brief thoughts

I am thinking about what I want to do, and I have talked to D a little bit, and I think that I am going to keep using the whole .dis list. (for 99% of everything)

I am trying not to sound this next statement anything like an accusation, because it doesn’t feel that way.

I am thinking about sending you stuff, and I am not feeling very motivated to do so. With the group it is something of an exercise in bringing things out into the open and learning to let go of my fears. When I write to you this is not such a big deal. The only thing that I really fear from the group, and I don’t fear it all that much, is driving people away. I really don’t feel like I am going to offend you and get self preservation stuff that makes you dislike me.

There are a few things that I could send you I guess. I was going to say that I was working at a level of security with myself where I could handle being open with everyone, but stuff that really has the potential of hurting someone I have not been sending out.

I just haven’t been getting that much back from you lately. It is your choice and I respect it. I tend not to spend my time doing things that don’t have any positive feedback. Most things back up internally, but for me to invest the time to write stuff out for you has not been. I think that if I start to push boundaries of “ugly” hurtful stuff it might start to be enforced even without a response. I think that it should probably give me the same feedback as sending out moderate stuff to everyone.

-Will

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RE: cornfuzzled

I do not have a problem with this e-mail. I know that I am playing games and that I am hiding the truth in the language that I am using.

I really do not like keeping secrets at all, but I have been uncomfortable with sharing alot of stuff in the last few days when it involves not only myself but D as well. I am not sure whether or not she would mind my putting all the things that are running through my head out to this large of a group.

I feel as though I have made a committment to the cor group to be as open as I can be, and not sharing bothers me. I am still thinking about what the reprocussions are here. D has a variety of relationships within the cor group and I do not know if when I start being open about myself that I might not drag her past boundaries that she is not ready to cross. On the other hand, this is my journey and if I am really hurting myself by keeping secrets, then I am not sure that I would be willing to do so.

So right now I piddle and kinda talk about what is going on, but I use language that no-one can understand. I feel like it helps me to ground my feeling and thoughts, though not to the same extent as doing it clearly.

I am a little concerned that I am confusing the other members of the group though. That is really all that bothers me about it right now. I am working on closing the other issues and I would be content to just sit on my hands and continue until I felt called to change, but if I am clouding everyone else I don’t want to do that.

Right now, my feelings lean towards not putting all this stuff out there, and that leaves me in a bad spot. It is a different process to send stuff out to one or two people and to send it out to the whole .dis list. I feel that I force myself to a deeper level when everyone is involved.

I would appreciate comments.

-Will

work on being REAL with us, will. not at playing games? we are working on getting your head clearer. are you willing to commit to that?

LOVE!

c

From:	TTU::WJH3957      "Mr. Happy =)" 24-AUG-1997 03:20:41.82
Subj:	cornfuzzled

scientists are marvelous people, but they don’t know everything i think that i contradict them subconsciously whenever they tell me to do something i don’t do it my mind has more control over my mind than they know

i really like sending strange e-mails

it entertains me for some reason

-Will

just smile and nod, it works best that way

Leave a Comment

cornfuzzled

scientists are marvelous people, but they don’t know everything i think that i contradict them subconsciously whenever they tell me to do something i don’t do it my mind has more control over my mind than they know

i really like sending strange e-mails

it entertains me for some reason

-Will

just smile and nod, it works best that way

Leave a Comment

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