Here I am again, back home. I feel different here than I do at school, there is not really anyone here that I see as sharing the values that I do. It makes me look at the, and I find that I am not very secure in them.
I am thinking about just building a house sitting down on my ass, since that is where I seem to be spending so much of my time as of late. I have had four pretty big shocks over the last two days, and two of them have been knocked on my ass hard. The next thing that I am going to do is type up the journal that I wrote last night. I am really not certain about it right now. The ideas don’t really ring true or false.
I don’t trust my judgement right now. I don’t feel very centered. I am afraid that I am starting to latch onto the negative stuff and start calling it true, when maybe it is not. I don’t know. I want to know. I want to be secure in what I do and in the decisions that I make, but I don’t know. The voice in my head tells me that not knowing is a holy thing and I need to relish it, but I don’t feel it. It feels insecure and ungrounded.
I want to be honest, but I don’t know if what I am saying is really the truth. I don’t know what to do. I want to get this writing done, because I won’t have time to do it after this weekend, but I don’t feel centered enough to do it. I am writing all of these statements about how I feel to center myself and to pull my head together. I don’t want to just sit here and waste my and your time writing down things that are less than the best that I can do. I guess that the best I can do is the best I can do.
— 8/29/97 Journal —
Okay, I came home hoping to sit down and journal about the conversation that Lewis and I had after we dropped V off, but I don’t think that is going to happen.
It seems like once this honesty stuff gets going there is no stopping it. Opportunities just keep popping up everywhere.
My family has gone camping on the new river, but apparently they have left Matt, though he was no supposed to be in the house. I scared the crap out of him when I came in because [my family didn’t know that I was coming home, and] he ain’t supposed to be here. That ain’t what surprised me or shook me. It’s that he is in his bedroom having sex with his girlfriend. I don’t like that and I don’t like his drinking, but that’s not what I am going to write about.
I just lied for Matt again. I don’t feel bad about it. The phone rang and it was my neighbor who my dad wanted to check up on the house and see if Matt was being honest (wonder why?) It just occurred that this might be my revenge. I know that the longer I protect him and let him continue these behaviors the worse they are going to get. I can destroy him simply by leaving him to himself. Seeing him act immaturely and knowing that it is very soon going to catch him in the ass makes me feel good. (I can’t let this structure fall. I have poured so much into building this way of seeing things. If it were to fall apart I have no idea where I would stand. I don’t want to let it go right now. I don’t feel the call. I might someday, but I have too many balls in the air as it is. [too many balls is rationalization; I enjoy the feelings and I choose to keep them. There may be a reason, but it is not because I am already doing too much. That is false.])
When I came in I could feel the heavy censoring kick in. My vocabulary switches down a notch and my profanity switches up. I carry my body differently and my thought patterns change. I get alot more manipulative and start trying to control other people’s perspectives of me [more.] I talk with more absolutes and more authority. I stop really listening. I don’t know if mindless is the work for it, because I listen very much to what I am doing and how other people are perceiving me. I stop listening to God. I stop listening to my heart.
Sometimes I get a headache, but I don’t really feel pulled inside. [When I am with people who are doing things that I don’t normally like and I cover over the feelings that I normally get… What I am thinking is when I get around people who are still “asleep” and I am not, I go to sleep myself. It gives me a headache to do it sometimes, but it doesn’t hurt my heart to do it. I was going to use conscious malice as an example, but that is exactly where I am headed with this. Could I not be as holy(er) as I thought?]
I started getting mind statements when I came in.
— End 8/29/97 Journal —
Matt and his friends came back when I began this next section, and stayed around until I finally went to bed, so that is where it ends.
I woke up with the question this morning: do you hate him? I can’t tell. I enjoy being around him in a way, but… I can’t tell.
Stepping out of the journal, there have been a couple of times where I have done half of a sentence and then stopped it in an ellipsis (…) this is a habit that I am seeing myself getting into. When I realize that what I am writing is an translation of what I am thinking, censored to make it sound better, I am stopping and trying to go with what I see as the raw truth. So that is why I am occasionally ending in ellipsis.
After I talked to my brother when I came in last night, and I was alone in the kitchen, I started saying lots of stuff. There has always been a spirit of competition between my brother and myself. It was there in running and wrestling and it still exists for me at least in other parts of my life. My brother is much “cooler” than I ever was. When I am around a big group of friends who accept me I don’t really feel it strongly, but at times like last night when it is just me, I start acting like a cool guy. When I came in last night and Matt was having sex I started saying stuff:
“I could have had sex by now if I had really wanted to.”
“I wanted to wait until I could do it right.”
“He may be the first one to have sex, but I will be the first one to make love.”
“He doesn’t understand what he is doing.”
“She doesn’t really know him. He isn’t really loveable deep down.”
“The world that I live in is so much better than his.”
“I am so much better than he is.”
I have been thinking alot about sex today. I have some thoughts, but I can’t tell if they are true or if I am just telling myself them so that I don’t have to deal with the truth. I think that I am going to go ahead with them.
I don’t understand physicality. (This is where I am writing from now. I can remember standing in other places, but remembering them is like remembering a dream. They do not feel true, and they do not pull at me.) My body does not pull at me. I do not comprehend physical attraction. I can look at people and say that X person is more attractive than Y, but I don’t feel it. I know what an attractive girl looks like, but what does that mean to me? It’s like saying I know what a good painting looks like or a well built car. I don’t want to have sex with a girl because she is pretty. I don’t want to touch her.
I am headed to a place where I don’t want to go, but I have to. If I don’t I am going to have to start lying and I don’t want to. This is where I am not sure about the truth. This has the propensity to hurt someone who I care very much about, but this is how it is and she has no control over it.
D rates about the middle of the pretty scale. There are girls who are alot more physically attractive (that is the wrong word, because there are not girls who attract me more physically, but there are girls who I think are prettier.) I love spending time with D. I love being with D. I don’t know yet what exactly it means to say that I love D, but I think I might. It hurts me to say that I don’t think that she is the most pretty girl in the world, but that is how I feel. I want to be able to say that she is the prettiest girl in the world, but I can’t.
Drop again, but I can’t cover this one and blunt it’s pain like the other one. This blade cuts and that is all.
I wish that D was prettier. I would like to be able to show her off to other people so that they would know that I am good enough to get in a relationship with a pretty girl. Whenever I come home with her to see my family I can hear Matt saying in his head “She is only going out with him because she couldn’t get a relationship with someone more attractive.” (Do I think that statement? I don’t know.) I want to be a beautiful couple so that they will know that I am good enough. I want them to realize that I am a person who is desirable, and having a good looking girlfriend who could have had anyone might do that. I did the same thing when judging Judson. He was manipulative…
Oh God, this is rough! (brace)
and he was going out with an unattractive fat girl because that was the best that he could do. I didn’t like him because he had been with her, and I tore the guy up quite a bit. Other guys that D has been with still make me a little uncomfortable. I don’t know if she is still attracted to anyone. I like being with her and I don’t want to lose her.
I don’t want to send this journal out. I don’t want to hurt D. I really don’t want to hurt you with this stuff that you can’t do anything about. I want to love you like nothing else and never have any hang-ups, but I don’t often get what I want when what I want is painless and easy.
I want to be as honest as I can with you and with this group. I think that I am going to send this out. I don’t want you to stop loving me because I pushed to far too fast. I really want to be with you. The possibility that you will just dump me is not real strong in my head, and it is the only way that I could be strong enough to send this out. I don’t really know though, and I am scared.
It has only been a week (give or take nine months) but I haven’t hit you hard before and I haven’t been hit either. I would really appreciate it if you would share things with me. I feel bad when it looks like I am the only one with any reservations. This is also most of what I had running around in the back of my head, so here I am for the moment. No walls, no defenses.
I feel really vulnerable right now, so whenever anyone replies please keep that in mind. I want the truth and the whole truth, just please try to be sure that it is the truth.
I care about you very very much D. You set me free.