I think that I might just be headed for a crash, a really big crash, or maybe a really cool explosion. I dunno, things just seem to be coming to a head. I guess that’s convenient given that summer is almost over.
I have been experiencing slight to mild vertigo since I woke up this morning. It’s that dizzy feeling that you get after you have just been spinning around in circles for a while. I am also slightly nauseous. All in all, it feels like I have just gotten through spinning, except that it has been going on all day. It has not been incapacitating as of yet, though I have had to sit down 1 or 2 times and I keep bumping into walls and stuff.
Right now, the explanations that I am considering are: 1. poisoning of some kind either through food or perhaps a spider bite, 2. high blood pressure which my mom offered as the only thing that she had heard of that could explain it, 3. a psychosomatic experience. Personally I am leaning towards #3, not only because it is the coolest in my personal opinion and that I can back it up to some extent, but that the feeling is unlike any that I have experienced before as a result of a physical ailment.
I am reminded of the yoga class before a progoff session where we did a side to side rotation exercise and Eric said that if we were dizzy then that meant we had control issues. Who, lil’ ol’ me? Oh no, don’t be silly. =)
Another thing that is bothering me a bit more than the dizziness is a sleep walking type of thing that I have now done twice.
It is not like how I am accustomed to hearing sleep walking described, and I think that might just be because some of my dreams are not as I normally hear dreams described.
As an aside, there seem to be cycles for me with being able to remember what I dream. I will have periods where it seems like everything that I dream I remember. Usually this happens after I have come to closure on a goal that I set. Most of the rest of the time I remember next to nothing, except for perhaps a deja vous type deal when something I see during the day calls up a memory. However, at the peak of a time where I am struggling with something I will get very vivid and powerful images that stick with me into the daytime. Even thinking about these things draws me back into the mind that I had during the dream.
This is what I do sometimes in dreams that I have not heard other people describe. I am not sure if the words fit, but I think of it as an extreme empathic shift. If one were to say that we operate from a set of experiences and ideals that shape how we act, then when I dream I take on another set of thoughts. I would say that I become another person, but there is some essence of Willness that exists beyond thought and beyond action that is the same. This really has no affects other than philosophical, because it does not affect how I feel or how I act.
A recent and extreme example of this is a dream that I had after I went to see Con Air last saturday. I won’t go through the whole dream, but in it I was criminally insane. I don’t mean to say that there was me imagining how a criminally insane person might act in a situation, I mean that the information was fed into my mind and processed through a reasoning structure and actions came out. I can only get half a feel for it now, but I was the only important person. Other people were convenient and entertaining at times, but not actual entities other than as objects. The primary objective of my existence was the satisfaction of my desires (so some things didn’t change,) but my desires were quite a bit less complex. Because I was the only actual entity other people did not have to be satisfied for me to be. It would take a long time to lay it all out, but there was a sustainable reasoning structure that was used and backed up by action and consequence.
What has been bothering me is that I have woken up twice now when I was thinking with another mind and up moving around. The first time I was looking out of my window contemplating the trees at night. All of my thoughts remember like dreams, but it was some strange stuff. Last night it happened again and I can only remember part of it, but I had a task that I had to do, and I got out of bed and put on my clothes, and then it fades out. It remembers just like a dream, except that I went to bed last night in my underwear and woke up dressed.
These experiences are not like half waking up and doing things in that confused state. My mind is clear, just different. I just worry that I might wake up one morning with blood on my hands. There is no other me to take control when my mind shifts in a dream. What I am doing is what is right and what is rational.
I feel like a character in a Stephen King book =)
As long as I am covering observations of my mind as of late…
With all that has been going on, I am getting a little bit threadbare. A couple of time I have lashed out and bitten peoples heads off. In a moment of something, I introduced Brett to MUDding, knowing enough about how he is structured to know that he would get addicted. I’m catching the tail end of that now. Every time that I need to get on the computer to check my e-mail or write; there he is. I would estimate his usage at 5-8 hours a day. My requests to use the computer have been getting more and more abrupt as time passes. I used to give him an hour or two’s notice, but I came home today and told him to get off or be eviscerated. I am starting to not care whether or not I get angry. I won’t say that it is a loss of control in a moment of passion, because it is not. Last night, Matt came in and turned on the TV (which I cannot work with it on) after I had been waiting 3 hours for first my mother, then my father to get off of the thing. I decided to let loose on him. I would like to say that it felt immature and I apologized, but it didn’t and neither did I.
Lindsay was supposed to call me last night and didn’t; a coincidence of course =)
I did get out of the house and help my mom with some grocery shopping which helped some.
I do not know how Lindsay feels about me, though I have strong suspicions. (I was going to take care of this a week ago? Uhh, I guess I forgot =) I am getting past the point of caring very quickly; to where regardless of what the truth is it is better than the uncertainty. Also, I really think that the right think to do is to talk to her (who has “My Best Friend’s Wedding,” we saw that on Sunday and talked afterward about the importance of the attempt even if it is unsuccessful. That and the fact that we both loved George, he was just cool; my hero =)
I guess that’s most of everything. I guess I’ll go bump into some more walls and enjoy going nuts!
XXX’s and OOO’s