Archive for June, 1997

onto gay pari… oooh la la

I have been talking to my mom about religion and philosophy and the like. She has some really neat ideas, and when it comes to reading I know very few people who can hold a candle to her. I was going over the mentor reading list one night and she has read a good portion of it especially the second part stuff. I think that the environment that she has lived in has affected her thinking some (imagine that.) She is pretty defensive about many of her philosophies and she doesn’t like to talk about them much.

I got back from Henderson this morning at about 5:00. My stomach was still messed up from the fact that I tried to poison myself last night. I am still not very good at it. I managed to severely inhibit muscle control, but as for personality degradation I was completely unsuccessful. I am trying to use this information to form a general concept of the practice, but there must be some aspect which I fail to be preforming properly. I noticed a slight increase in the tendency to focus externally and a slight drop in self-consciousness of the inhibitory nature, but as for the destruction of self-concept, which as I understand the practice is the primary motivation it did not work very well at all. I must say that on the whole there are external sensory stimuli that work much better. Ah well, live and learn.

I was rough on the guy that was staying in my room with me. I wonder if perhaps I harbor some animosity towards him, or if it was simply a defensive reaction against a situation that is by far my better. Either way, I screwed around with his head for a while under the pretext of inhibited impulse control. Control, illusory though it may be, lies with the individual at all times, though as the “balance” within the individual is decreased he is more susceptible to external coercion to internal control.

Daniel is a very intelligent person, both intellectually and to a good extent emotionally. The environment that he grew up in shows itself markedly on his behavior and thought patterns, but I think that were he to be exposed to a contradictory environment that they would change markedly. His concept of reality parallels mine to a large extent and I have some faith that mine is a “good” one to have. It certainly feels true for what that is worth; perhaps everything. He simply doesn’t see himself as a participant in reality. He feels segregated, and I really can’t blame him. The guys that I work with do not live in the same world that I do. I do not like to separate and cut asunder, but when the fact is staring me so blatantly in the face I cannot argue with it and feel that I am being honest.

I had a brief moment of perhaps half an hour two days ago when I felt that I was seeing beyond where I could usually see, but it was a return to the world of hopelessness and impotence where the problems are larger that life; where the problems are life. It was the world where all a person can do is beat his head against the wall all of his life and nothing comes of the pain. Or he can choose his small death to the truth and turn his back on the way it is. Those are the only choices; there is no “I choose to fight back;” I will make changes. There are no answers and no changes.

Even in this world exists the possibility of endless satisfaction, within reach, but for some reason not offering a reprieve from the suffering.

This little something is beginning to wallow. I think that I will end it now. May you reap what you sow.

-Will

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more modeling

The first part of this I have been using for a while, but the second part is one that has transitioned several times.

#2. There is a God:

Okay, this is the hard part for me. It requires several posits that I cannot back up analytically with anything other than observations. It seems to hold up pretty good internally, but I am still iffy on trusting such things sufficiently to use them as part of a structure. I am not certain of the propensity that I have to manufacture them artificially.

Also, for this I create a right way to be. A good and a bad; there is the possibility to set up a doctrine in this, though I am not sure this is necessary. I will come back to this.

God refers to a fundamental part of human nature. It is an innate and everpresent “goodness.” This underlies the rational structure afore mentioned in the previous e-mail, and it both feeds information in and alters the form of the structure. God is clouded in the mind by certain elements. I am still deciding which are core and which are products, and which might be both. For example, I have found that fear and pain can spark both anger and hatred, but I do not know that hatred cannot be a stand alone concepts, perhaps such as in people who are raised with it, but that is secondary. What is important is the concept that God can be masked.

When I say God there are a variety of strings that tend to be attached. I currently am not committing to any of them. I am not making a statement as to the unity of all people or their division. The origin need be neither internal or external to apply. I use God, because that is what I feel people are experiencing and worshiping when they use the word.

As Lewis and I were coming back the conversation drifted to the story of the little girl who was raped by the pirate and jumped into the water to her death. When I look at that event with these thoughts as my viewer, I feel pain. Pain that the little girl was brutalized and died, but strangely even more pain for the pirate who is hurting inside. I don’t know why I feel that he is hurting inside exactly. When I started this paragraph it was because it would take a great amount of pain in his life to allow him to “kill” his God sufficiently to do what he did, but now I am not exactly sure. That does not ring quite right.

I have been talking to one of my friends about how we see the past and seeing human nature in this way allows me forgiveness for all people and myself. When I look back it is more a feeling of release, what is done is done. I cannot place judgement upon it. We did the best that we could and that is enough; that is all that matters.

Forgiveness is not tied up in God though. I felt much the same way when I was tabula rasa, except then it was we all acted according to what we felt was the best decision, and any valuinfg structure for the best decision was equally valid, so I had no where to argue from.

Okay, back to the fear of doctrine creating: For a while I have been avoiding defining concepts of good and bad, because to some extent these ideas are tied to right and wrong, and I have developed an aversion to demonizing which can arise from holding such concepts.

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I will have to finish this later, I have to go. I will be in Henderson, TN (about an hour away from Memphis) for the rest of the week and I need to pack because I leave in less than an hour. I’ll work on this, but I would really like to get some feedback if anyone is struck by anything and has some time. I am still developing my analytical skills, any help would be appreciated. C-y’all

-Will

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modeling

This is a little something that I have been playing around with for a while. I was talking with Lewis about it as we were coming back to the tri-cities. As it is, I am setting this up as a purely academic model and exploring it logically. When I start to place emotional attachments (aka. personal committments) to it I have a much harder time getting it all down.

So here it goes…

#1. Human beings are absolutely rational animals

Decisions are based in reality. People gather information and make decisions based on that information. Reality is objective and does exist independant of the observer, but there exist filters upon reality in the mind that skew information and load it with different values.

This is deterministic. People act according to their concepts of right and wrong based on how they view the situation. The word rational tends to be tied to concepts of analysis and cold calculating thinking. This is not what I am describing. I am not placing any restrictions on the nature of the filters that exist.

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There is more to this, but I think that this will do it for tonite. I wouldn’t mind hearing other ways of seeing things.

-Will

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human nature

It seems that when I am working on a new idea it is impossible for me to avoid it for any length of time. I have been thinking about my view of human nature for a while now, and whenever I get into a discussion of my ideas it seems that I invariably come back to that. I am beginning to realize some of the repercussions of being a highly intuitive person. Whenever I try to explain a simple statement it spider webs out and it seems like the only way to explain my ideas is to recount all of my experience and learning. I am beginning to think that this is what feels wrong when I write about my thinking; everything is connected, and much of it in ways that I cannot see. When I cut a chunk out and try to stand it on its own, it seems flat because it does not have all of the connections and integration that it does in my mind.

Right now, I thinking about seeing people as inherently transcendent, with that transcendence clouded or covered by a variety of factors. I can see it in the “getting saved” of whatever that part of Christianity can be called (I won’t go into that right now.) Where a person overcomes their brokenness and is made complete and functions properly, according to a true nature. Many of these are ideas that I have trouble standing behind, because I have trouble validating them. I really don’t know how to know for certain if there is a “soul” that imbues people with an inherent way of being. I feel uncomfortable backing such an important part of how I see the world on such an uncertain structure.

Getting past these things is hard for me.

Maybe I will have better luck in the morning, or more properly later on in the morning after I have had a little sleep. *yawn* I went out tonite and I had a double cafe latte (sp?) it is the first caffeine I think that I have had since school let out. And the first heavy caffeine I have had since I guess the last coffee house, check that, I was wired most of finals week, but all of that has been flushed out. I had almost forgotten how much this stuff messes with me when I haven’t had much sleep. I shut down on the inside, but it looks normal on the outside. It is an interesting experience.

Hopefully I will see you all tomorrow, I mean today, bye. =)

-Will

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summary journal — more o' the same

I feel really slow as of late. It seems like the world is zipping by and I am doing well just to hang out. I don’t feel swamped or anything; I see myself walking peacefully down the street while all these blurs are zipping by. I feel like there is so much information flowing all around me, but I haven’t the desire or the capacity to tap it.

I have been avoiding talking to some people and I am not sure why. I see people that I kinda knew in high school at different places and I do not want to talk to them. I really don’t want to talk to them. Its like I want to be alone, but not exactly, I don’t want to be alone, and I don’t want to be with people. Its different.

I have been in things pretty deep with my best friend and the girl that I almost loved once. I started to tell that story here once, but I have not yet finished. It is really complicated, but the basics that are being examined now are that he “loves” her (I don’t understand love, I have no idea what it is I am not comfortable using the word, but it is the only one that I know right now.) My brother broke up with her at the beginning of the summer. At last call she did not “love” romantically my friend and it is bothering him a good deal. I am a part of things because of the past and because of the possibilities. I don’t really mind to be, but I can’t find anyone who sees my world to talk to. I try to explain myself, but it just doesn’t work. (As I write this I find myself feeling desperation that I was not aware of.) I do not trust my friend not to use my openness. I have found that I have a really hard time propagating deceptions. I don’t have an aversion to them, so much as the little flags that should pop up and tell me that I am telling to much for whatever audience I have, don’t. I feel very evangelical as of late. I am still looking at my possibilities for seeing the world, but as of late I have been sharing the selfless one with a good many people.

I still feel like something is wrong and I have no idea what it is. I have people to talk to, but none who I want to really, and those that I might want to I can’t. It is so damn frustrating. I recognize that there are things that I cannot see that are affecting ow I act, but I feel helpless to change them.

(I am now making this up as I go along.) I think that maybe I would like someone who understands what I am saying that I could be completely honest with, but I don’t feel like the people who I am around now can do that. When I talk to my parents I feel prejudged self-rightous and sanctimonious. When I talk to Cam I feel like I make him uncomfortable and he keeps coming out with simple patent answers before I get to say all that I have to say. I think that Lindsay might be good to talk to, but it is so hard for me to do. I tried to just sit and look into her eyes the other night and I couldn’t hold it.

I don’t understand it. I felt like I was developing some confidence in dealing with people and that I could sustain relationships of various kinds, but I have no such faith now.

I feel like I need to talk as honestly as I can, but that when I begin to let go of the protections and deceptions that things start creeping in, and because many of the things that I am holding off have to do with Lindsay they start messing up any conversation that begins to develop. I think that there are also problems that she has with me that are getting in the way. I want to be friends with her as much as I want to be friends with anyone in my severe aversion to attachment. I just cannot see how to begin. I feel like I am handling a baby bird with concrete boxing gloves. I do not feel that I am trying to severely to control the situation, but I do not think that she will make a move, and if I am to, to do it without thinking seems irresponsible.

I have been trying to ratify a philosophy that holds a deterministic past wherein people are inherently good and “clouded” with pain or bad information to act contrary to a transcendental nature with a present requiring informed decisions and a future of absolute personal responsibility. The state of morality ever changing with time, though not really, for reasons that I have not worked out exactly. I recognize a few of these ideas as ones that I came into contact with at Tech in the last year and I am getting over my aversion to accepting a morality that I did not devise entirely on my own. I have recognized several of these concepts as different expressions of ides that I have had in the past, and others I have been using without my whatever it is that is inside me crying out in protest.

I have been plugging in and tuning out more that I wanted to at the beginning of the summer. I am developing a webpage and learning a good deal about graphics and creating some of my own stuff, which takes up a good bit of my time. I write a good bit, and I sleep often too. I do other little things too, my family goes out to the drive-in every weekend (I’m taking my littlest brother in about an hour, we will see the fifth element and double team for $4.00) I have been out to the climbing gym a couple of times (I go out there on monday with laura and erin) I walk in the woods occasionally and do chores around the house. I don’t often find myself with nothing to do, and yet I get the impression that I am accomplishing next to nothing.

I haven’t done much heavy reading this summer thus far. I have a big science fiction anthology with 101 short stories that I read maybe 15-30 pages a night in, I have skimmed all of and read thoroughly about half of Codependent No More and if I can ever find it I am about three quarters of the way through Carlos Castanedas’ Journey to Ixtlan which I have liked several ideas from. I’ve also been reading many of the magazines that we get here. Discover, Time, and Science Fiction Age in general.

Things are pretty dead in here. Life passes and that is about it, the boat rarely rocks. I don’t think much about the future right now, I don’t have many things that I want to see done. I guess time is just sorta passing. I would like to finish out the summer a happy and stable individual with some solid friendships and a new computer; its a nice thought at the least.

-Will

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a cool thing happened…

I was driving to work today and I had Jars of Clay playing and I was singing along and what not, nothing unusual. After I had parked I was sitting there for a minute listening and I heard one part

	"But you see through my forever lies,
	   that you are not believing.
	 Then I see in your forever eyes
	  that you are forever healing."

I don’t know what it was, but chills ran down my back. Not bad cold chills, but excited tingling chills; good chills. I sat there and let them run, but instead of just running and stopping they seemed to build, and I eventually ended up sitting there tingling all over. It was really strong in my arms, and for a bit I didn’t feel like I could even move them. The whole thing was just kinda interesting and I thought that I would share.

-Will

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	 Rose, oh pure contradiction,
	  joy of being No-one's sleep
	   under so many lids.
		-Rainer Maria Rilke's
		     epitaph
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typin some more

I think that it has gone on like this for a while, I wonder why I never noticed. I guess I was aquainted with all the guys but I am thinking now that it is a play, some weird play.

I sure feel like an actor. Better yet a trained dog, performing for (G)od only knows who. I don’t think that it is me, at least not entirely me, there is always another person there; an audience.

That damn box over there orders every thing.

I was going good until I came in here and got distracted.

The laughing covers up the screaming and the screaming cowers up the crying and the crying falls off into the silence which swallows up all of everything.

It seems that when the focus is there the desire dies off and visa versa. Its probably just a protection mechanism.

Ah well, its pointless now, the well is dry, of at least covered up.

Bye, bye…

-Will

I think that to be crazy takes a leap of faith. You have to believe inside that things are that way, its just fun around here. Not terribly good fun either, at least not in the rearview.

Its easy to say the little niceties that float around [sic]. I mean warm fuzzies aren’t scary; right?

Anyway, what about the uglies, the nasties, and the meanies?

I want to rip your head off and shove it down your throat.

Its nothing personal, I just hate people sometimes and I want to see them all obliterated in really messy ways. Well, yes, I think that it might be an expression of self loathing, knowing that doesn’t change a whole lot. I know all sorts of truths and I don’t feel terribly free.

What does one do when one cannot see his assailant and the disease that is eating you from the inside out has no cure? There is a need that I cannot identify that tears me up, not really tears me up, but it is always there. Something that I feel is missing and that I need to live. Seems like such a thing would be easy to identify, but it is not. I wonder if I am just naturally incomplete, just incompleteable.

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just gonna type for a bit

EEEEEeeeeeeeeyaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

I think that I may have figured it out.

It confuses the plant when you pull it out of the water; the water that has always been there is gone.

There doesn’t have to be a concept of water in the being of the plant, it simply exists, independent of observation, and it ever prescence could even cloud its prescence.

-Will

but i’ve piddled my time away…

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