I have been talking to my mom about religion and philosophy and the like. She has some really neat ideas, and when it comes to reading I know very few people who can hold a candle to her. I was going over the mentor reading list one night and she has read a good portion of it especially the second part stuff. I think that the environment that she has lived in has affected her thinking some (imagine that.) She is pretty defensive about many of her philosophies and she doesn’t like to talk about them much.
I got back from Henderson this morning at about 5:00. My stomach was still messed up from the fact that I tried to poison myself last night. I am still not very good at it. I managed to severely inhibit muscle control, but as for personality degradation I was completely unsuccessful. I am trying to use this information to form a general concept of the practice, but there must be some aspect which I fail to be preforming properly. I noticed a slight increase in the tendency to focus externally and a slight drop in self-consciousness of the inhibitory nature, but as for the destruction of self-concept, which as I understand the practice is the primary motivation it did not work very well at all. I must say that on the whole there are external sensory stimuli that work much better. Ah well, live and learn.
I was rough on the guy that was staying in my room with me. I wonder if perhaps I harbor some animosity towards him, or if it was simply a defensive reaction against a situation that is by far my better. Either way, I screwed around with his head for a while under the pretext of inhibited impulse control. Control, illusory though it may be, lies with the individual at all times, though as the “balance” within the individual is decreased he is more susceptible to external coercion to internal control.
Daniel is a very intelligent person, both intellectually and to a good extent emotionally. The environment that he grew up in shows itself markedly on his behavior and thought patterns, but I think that were he to be exposed to a contradictory environment that they would change markedly. His concept of reality parallels mine to a large extent and I have some faith that mine is a “good” one to have. It certainly feels true for what that is worth; perhaps everything. He simply doesn’t see himself as a participant in reality. He feels segregated, and I really can’t blame him. The guys that I work with do not live in the same world that I do. I do not like to separate and cut asunder, but when the fact is staring me so blatantly in the face I cannot argue with it and feel that I am being honest.
I had a brief moment of perhaps half an hour two days ago when I felt that I was seeing beyond where I could usually see, but it was a return to the world of hopelessness and impotence where the problems are larger that life; where the problems are life. It was the world where all a person can do is beat his head against the wall all of his life and nothing comes of the pain. Or he can choose his small death to the truth and turn his back on the way it is. Those are the only choices; there is no “I choose to fight back;” I will make changes. There are no answers and no changes.
Even in this world exists the possibility of endless satisfaction, within reach, but for some reason not offering a reprieve from the suffering.
This little something is beginning to wallow. I think that I will end it now. May you reap what you sow.