Archive for January, 1997

almost journal


For some reason, I think it was last weekend working all night, my biological clock is now skewed about 5 hours. I am not tired until around 2:00, but anyway…

I’ve haven’t been sending things as of late. I’ve been doing stuff, right now I feel that the time that I have to write is better spent writing down the new stuff rather that typing the old. When we both have some time I have some journals that I think are interesting. One that I wrote at four o’clock AM last weekend about sex and desire and stuff is kinda cool. I went to sleep at my post for about half an hour and when I woke up it didn’t feel like it was all the way.

I don’t like all of the models in my head. They keep coming up and they are adding an air of unreality to my experiences. “Oh, this must be an Existential crisis, interesting.” It doesn’t do much, but it is like a rope at the side of a pit that I want to go into, but my hand is holding onto it and it just won’t let go. If I had the capacity for many emotions right now I might even be getting pissed at myself.

I really was in a (looking back) cool foul mood for like the last three days. But I went to the lounge today and got cheered up, well some. I can laugh and smile, but when I realize that I am it stops. There are very few things (actually none come to mind right now) that I find funny right now. In class, I just kinda suspended thought about the meaninglessness of everything for a while, it’s interesting how people can control themselves. I was sad and I knew that I was sad, but I was happy on top of that. And the happiness was not an “act” as such, at least not more than usual. Strange, maybe.

I think that I was asked a long time ago about when the half Gods go, the Gods arrive…, I have used it several times in letters about not placing conditions on God, and attempting to release expectations. I have tried to explain the values that I see in atheism to my friends. I am an evangelical atheist, except I am not a very good atheist. I just cannot deal with the possible meaninglessness of my existence. But I’m getting there, I can’t think of anything immortal.

I thought about rebelling against my work, because if it doesn’t really matter, then why bother, but I realized that I don’t do enough to really throw anything off. I’m already irresponsible 🙂

I tried cursing at God, but even that didn’t cheer me up.

Well, I’m going to bed. I got Pearson’s book today, I like that bookstore lots of cool books, though I have plenty, but sometimes my eyes are bigger than my head *ouch* 🙂 I plan to finish it by Saturday and be at the discussion.

Though I dislike the word “bounce” because it gives that same feel of an unreal game-like tone to experience, it does seem to fit doesn’t it?


Comments (1)

not learn to play the game, but learn the game that you play

I am getting beautiful responses from my atheism letter. That choir is composed of a caliber of people that I could only dream of being. I am driven very strongly to love them, and the shallowness of my feelings bothers me. Not as much as I wish it did, but I am not satisfied by the depth of many of my feelings as of late.

I did not make a very good atheist. That is to make light of a problem so as to trivialize it in appearance at the least.

Have you ever heard of the term “quiet desperation”? It seems to be coming up often as of late. I cannot think of where I heard it, but it seems poetic and I am not sure if it is mine own.

How about misogynistic? I read it and I could not figure it out from context.

If you can read tone or whatever do not worry about me. Though I have attempted to see myself as a tiny speck in a vast system of time and space, I have been unsuccessful. I am unable to release my delusions of importance. I still think that there is an eternal way and that it does matter for some reason. I do not have the forthrightness to act as I might had I a better understanding, (ay perhaps to dream that’s the problem.)

Anyway, bye

Blessed Be (I hope) WJH

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e-mail to my Methodist choir

This is an e-mail message that I sent to the members of the Salt and Light Ensemble that I sang with this last summer.

From:	TTU::WJH3957      "ICE DRAGON" 16-JAN-1997 00:45:47.97
To:	@MF
Subj:	new e-mail list & letter


This message has taken me a long time to write, because I keep writing a little bit and then erasing it to start again. This time I am going to just write everything that I want to say, for better or for worse, because I feel like this message needs to be written.

You might have noticed that I have disappeared as of late. I need for all of you to know the reasons that I have done so, not to make excuses, but so that there is no confusion as to where my motivations lie. I do not want anyone to feel that their conduct was in any way responsible for my decision.

One of the reasons that I have not been around as of late is the freedom of college. In high school I could procrastinate and the system was organized in such a way that I was forced to be accountable or there were immediate reprocussions. Not so in college, I went most of the semester without doing much work at all, only to find that my professors had expected a steady flow of progress and that they expected the fruits of these labors on demand. How the university system worked was explained to me, but it just didn’t sink in. At the end of the semester I was suddenly faced with the realization that I could not do a semesters worth of work in a week. I pulled several long nights and wrote a ton of essays. Only the kindness of a few professors was my semester prevented from being a total washout. Fortunately, I had classes like Ballroom Dance, Concert Choir and Chorale to provide me with a few A’s to balance a nasty grade in Calculus. All told, I came out somewhere around 3.2, so while it wasn’t as good as I had hoped, it could have been much worse.

To say that my trouble with school was what kept me away wouldn’t be true. It was enough, but I am accustomed to having less than perfect grades, so it didn’t bother me enough that it would have prevented me from doing something that I really was trying for. The primary reason that I have been away is another product of my college experience.

I have been arguing whether to share this or not, but I feel that you deserve the truth. All that I can ask for is an open mind. Having built it up like this I can only imagine what you are all thinking, is he changing denominations?, is he into a different culture?, is he gay? Nope, not any of those, worse.

Upon coming to Tech, I was faced with a variety of people and cultures that I had not seen at home. Back in Bristol, I developed a certain set of friends and contacts that most of my communication was limited to. I was used to the ideas that they shared and there was some diversity, but not much. Here at Tech I met so many different people and heard many different ideas. It made me think about my own. I had a class where we had to write a paper on the meaning of life. For it I had to read a lots of literature on lots of ideas. Even before I came to Tech I wondered at some of the questions that my viewpoint did not seem to answer. Anyway, what I am trying to get at is the reasons behind my decision, it was not easily come at.

I guess that I really need to say it. Alright, right now, at this moment, I am an atheist. Even now it seems to me a dirty word. Denoting some fool who cannot see the plain evidences of God all around them. I am not ashamed of it. I have only been an atheist for about two days, depending on your definition of God. If you have a Fundamentalist definition, then I have perhaps been an atheist for all of my life. I do not call myself an agnostic, though some might. At this very moment I do not believe that there is an ultimate good in creation. My concept of God is constantly changing. He became more inclusive for a long time, accepting different practices on general themes throughout time and the world. He was worshiped under many different names through manifestations of love. I could write about God all night.

Not to say that I came to Tech and discovered all these different religions and couldn’t decide between them. Some of the greatest influences on my decision came from “better” Christians than myself. I learned that I wasn’t one (a real Christian) because I hadn’t been immersed when I was baptized (I was sprinkled), I didn’t show the manifestation of the Holy Spirit by speaking in tongues, and I called God by the wrong name when I prayed. I looked at these things and where they came from. Then I realized that many of my ideas came from the same place. I tried to step outside of my ideas and look at them from the outside and I found that many of them were not nearly as pretty as they were from the inside. I tried to stopped seeing people saw the world in a different way than me as demons. I was troubled that many of the people who were not “saved” seemed in my humble opinion to be more love filled people than some who were. I started to try to look at my beliefs and to try to learn what was Right. Most of what I believed seemed to be because I was told to belive so all of my life. At some point, I learned that I couldn’t get into heaven by believing what I was told, simply because there were so many people telling me the one and only Right way, and they conflicted at points. I guess that I decided that if I was going to go to hell then I would go for who I was and not because I held onto someone else’s ideas for fear of damnation. I learned much and found that gaining information tends to decrease understanding rather than increase it.

Anyway, I seem to be rambling. If you wonder what my general confusion on the nature of God has to do with my recent absence from the circles of communication. I found that many of my Christian friends did not want to associate with me when they found that I didn’t quite agree with them anymore. I was a lost sheep and delusional or evil. I was a temptation to stray from the path. I was afraid that if I was in close communication with you then the topic would come up and I didn’t know how you would react. I wouldn’t bring it up because I do not need other people to see the world as I do, but I will not lie about it. I really value the love that you are all able to share. I did not want to loose it. Come what will you are very special to me. I do my best to love you all, hard as it is for me to open up and do that. I thank you for showing me many things.

I guess that I will go now. I am open to discussion on religion. My ideas are very important to me and I love to think on it. Bye



               Rule #7 of the "Rules for Being Human"
           There is nothing that you will love or hate
           that you do not love or hate in yourself.

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lil' message

Thou art…,

I have found that my ability to read has been greatly improved. I don’t read faster so far as I can tell, but I don’t get pulled out of the books as easier. It was hard for me to read for a long time. In one time I was able to read for hours. That left me and now is returning. Good and bad or positive and negative or multiple ramifications. I like the ability to absorb myself, but looking up from reading and realizing that the fifteen minutes that you gave yourself has grown to three hours. It isn’t a big problem for me, it only happens with my permission. All that I have allowed are a few missed meals.

–TC (Thought Change)–

I think that perhaps the secret of having chance being favorable to you is to be favorable to chance. I feel as though things usually go my way, but some of that might be that I allow things to go my way, regardless of what they are.


The book that I just finished was A Wizard of Earthsea. I liked it though I am not sure that I entirely understand the basics of it yet. The ramifications of the ideas are something that will take a lot of thought. I am saving them for when I am in the mood. The section that I have liked the most so far is the part with the actions of a wizard.

I couldn’t find it when I went back, but it was how their path got narrower until there was but one action that was right. I got the Tao Te Ching translation by Stephen Mitchell on my trip back to Cookeville and I have been reading little sections as I have time.

I have been thinking about a few things that I have seen on non-action and observations from my own life. The section on the paths of wizards was good for that, as was M’s thoughts on right action at a cusp in Stranger in a Strange Land. There is a, I use “natural” for lack of a better word, way of existence and action at every moment. It is what should be and to go with it is not movement, but “natural.” I thought of a race where to not run is action and running is, but isn’t. That is an imperfect example, but the gist might be clear.

Act in each moment as that moment is to be acted in and do everything that needs to be done and nothing that doesn’t.


Cynicism can be the protector of innocence or it’s executioner.


The more I learn the less I understand
and the less I understand the more I know.



I think that I either hallucinated today or I discovered another thing that I thought I understood, but…

I was coming back to the dorm when I could taste the filth in the air. It was really weird, and then as I passed by these two guys I could smell the colongue on one of them like it was right under my nose. I have been giving up on many of my tried and true failsafe systems. Like the feelings that I must be nice and I must be normal. I tried giving up programming’s that I thought were bad, I figure I will give up a few “good” ones. If I say that I can hypersense, then perhaps I can.


I think that I am in some weird relativistic state. Over the break I had several times that I was put in a place where people wanted my counsel on a course of action. I did not realize how much I did this until I so many people were asking for it and I saw that I had offered it before. I came to find that though I have some concept of right and wrong for myself, I have almost none for other people. I could say what I would see as right action in a situation, but I was very far from having any idea of right action for other people. More and more I act through a system that I have created in my life. I cannot lay out the rules for that system, but I perceive that it exists and I act on “feelings” thought they might be based on an underlying logic. I was tempted to see problems from inside of other people’s minds, what they wanted and how they would react.


I was originally going to say that I planned to be at the meeting on Sunday.

-Will H.

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