Archive for November, 1996

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. (William James)

Last night, I was at my “Disciple” bible study, and I brought up the idea from the movie “Shadowlands” that by involving Himself in creation, God is impending on our freewill.

We were talking about God making Cirus let the Jews go, which is considered a good thing, but the concept is the same. We are like lab rats where God provides stimuli to help us towards a goal that he has planned. Be it punishment or whatever; He is still screwing around with the system.

The leader started to sat that I was taking an Enlightenist view of the great watchmaker that started the world, and then left. I told him that I was not, I did not claim that God was not present, simply that God was more of a static presence. Like a spring that we could draw from, but that did not jump out of its bed to take us.

All of this is secondary, because that is not exactly what I believe anyway, but if I had gone into anything farther from the accepted norm than that, then no-one would have listened to me. I do not see why a pursuit of God should dive me apart from others. I do not need them to believe as I do, but I would like to get some outside input, which I cannot if no-one knows what is going on inside.

I realized another weakness that I have. One girl simply started crying when I was talking. I could not respond. I did not know that type of response; I am incomplete. Anger I could have handled, or several other things, but not that kind of emotion (I do not even know how to describe it.) I think that she was hurting for me, I think that she thought that I was wandering off to be lost.

Nathan told me this morning that I wasn’t praying right. This time, it was because I didn’t say “Father”; I usually start with “Lord”. I took it well I thought, and the images of dismembering him and various other nasty things only lasted a minute. I do not know what I will do the next time that we pray. I do not want to change. I have been bending for a long time, and letting him walk on me. I do not think that I can keep it up. I do not feel like I have anger pent up in me, I have simply gone as far as I can go.

I am seeing that part of me that is like him in myself now. I saw it especially in the BBS. For a day or two, I was god. At least in my mind. I was right on everything, and I was going to prove it. I don’t know how I can balance this. I just seem to go to the extremes. Either I am in control or not. Being right is a control thing for me right now, perhaps I should examine that.

I do not think that thinking is what I should be doing right now. It is good, and a part of the process, but I am hiding in it. I see problems that I have, and most of them need to be fixed in the real world. I need to go and use the thinking to be Will.

-Will

P.S. I think that I got the power trip thing out of my system. I will not try to take over the world anytime soon. Okay, bye.

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partial lease

I have no reservations about coming to the Four Quartets. That has been on my calender as a possible, since you gave me a possible invitation last week. The soul leasing is simply that I do not have the leasure to explore whatever my fancy happens to be. I have to impose a control over my random thoughts. It is not even a feasible thought that I would even consider a blatent opportunity to learn/grow like the Four Quartets workshop. I am simply having to impose order over the the just sitting and pondering. I feel that random thinking is important for where I am now, but it takes time, and is at the least traditionally unproductive. Yes, I will be at Four Quartets, but I hope that you will hear very little from me in the mean time. I hope that I get so dedicated to my school work, that I have no time left for philosophy. This seems harsh, but I have been doing it the other way for a long time, and there are certain responsibilities that one takes on as a member of society. I have neglected mine and I am attempting to compensate.

-Will

P.S. If anyone had told me that I would hate, especially my roommate, and extra especially because he is “too Christian” then I would have thought them strange. I might have reacted differently if they had told me that I would hate because of a constant perceived authoritarian position over me. I realize that I do not like to be told what to do. I am also making Nathan much worse in my mind, because I feel like he is constantly pressuring me to change. His constant Bible reading, singing, and Southern Gospel aren’t aimed at me (well the gospel is when he turns it up twice as loud as whatever I was listening to when he comes in.) They are who he is, but they annoy me so much, that I am beginning to hate (actually hate) him. I think that he might be my shadow.

My dad told be to tell him to “fuck off”, and I respect my father so much for saying that. He isn’t acting like a god anymore. He is touchable, and I think that I might be able love him instead of just respect him and honor him.

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soul leasing

This is to notify all concerned parties that William James Holcomb, son of James Lyne and Sonja Lawson Holcomb, has agreed to hereby leased his soul to the Lord of Blackness for a period of three weeks in return for the purchase of his friends and families respect and love with a satisfactory grade point average. In return for vitality, energy, time, and thought; the Lord will provide William with self-respect and admiration. Being Master of this realm He that is has agreed to over power the hold that the weak divine has and to allow him to play by the rules of this existence. He will spend his time doing “responsible” things. He will do his homework, he will write his papers, he will be a good student. All that is required is his philosophy and his soul. Little cost for the respect of a world that values punctuality and adult action. Signed on this the fourteenth day of November in the year of our true Lord nineteen-hundred-and-ninety-six; Beelzebub, money, and power.

I guess I am just not happy at having the University get in the way of why I feel that I am here. It is annoying. If I seem to disappear for a while, don’t worry. My soul is only on lease; I plan to return. I actually hope that I can do this. Otherwise I might not be around to fulfill my real purpose.

-Will

P.S. I just find this so ironic. It make me want to laugh and cry at the same time. Have you ever heard of a black comedy. Even worse, is that I haven’t written my Honors 101 paper yet, and I don’t think that a tirade about the evils of the world, and TTU being an incarnation of Satan would go over real well. Looks like there might be a time for B.S. Aren’t I glad that I have that stupid philosophical conscience out of the way. The end justifies the means. HaHaHa…

P.P.S. Boy, I really will got to some lengths to justify myself. I think at the least it is humorous 🙂 Anything to avoid work. Well, I guess I’ll got do some homework <shudder> Que ce rah ce rah (I have no idea if that is spelled right)

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Sleepy thoughts :)

Rules are nice; they give us a sense of security, and add definition to where we are. They are restricting, they separate. They cannot exist in the end. All of our theories fill our heads, and push out what is important. He is right, as we progress we can never reach God. We are assmptotal in our pursuit. We cannot plan to arrive, it is true that we are saved by grace alone. So long as we search we cannot arrive, we must let go of the pursuit before we can arrive. It is not an empty place, it is full.

-Will

P.S. Did you know that I am a murderer, a rapist, a thief, a liar, an adulterer; Satan himself. It is in me, and all that I do is hold it down. We are all the same. It is not our environment that shapes us; it is something within us, but not. I don’t know where we come from, I forgot… We are all one. Nevermind, I need sleep. Goodnight.

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2nd MTBI

——–,

I just got my second MBTI that I took for Univ105. I tested: (at least this is how I interpret the sheet they gave me)

  • E: 19
  • N: 45
  • F: 13
  • P: 27

Are these viable scores, or am I reading the wrong column?

Things are doing O.K., I have just been in a really foul mood for the last week or so. I have been alternating between anger at myself, others, and everyone. I don’t know why it started, but I think that family might be part of it. Still thinking, more later perhaps…

-Will

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enthusiasm

Don’t confuse the illusion of security for an actual fact. It is necessary in order to communicate to imagine that ideas are concrete.

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various gibber-gabble

Hello,

I am still trying to form a coherent picture of the implications of the discussion that I heard last night. I have hit a contact zone (we are reading Pratt in Eng102) with my roommate, and he has told me some pretty profound things. He doesn’t know what he is telling me, but after they are fed through my perspective they come out pretty interesting. This week in out morning Bible study he told me (in so many words) that I did not have a relationship with God, and that I needed to be filled with the Holy Ghost in order to be “saved.” The facts that I have not undergone immersion baptism, and that I have never spoken in tongues were two of the main reasons that he seemed to concentrate on, but I think that his primary proof was simply his interaction with me thus far. I am not like him. We worship in different ways, but he seems to be telling me that there is only one way. That doesn’t bother me so much as the focus on the external. The right way to worship only has one form. Also, baptism and the tongues (“don’t seek after the tongues” he told me. “seek after the spirit and the tongues will come.” I liked that one, because he seemed to be changing the focus from the external to the internal, but he didn’t stay three long. “The tongues will come if you are truly filled with the Spirit.” I think that if it does indeed work that way, then why doesn’t God give “good Christians” something more useful than talking in gibberish than no one can understand. I can see the context in the original manifestation with the disciples. Right now I think of religion something like I think of politics; it really doesn’t matter to me which path you choose to take, just so long as you try. I don’t like weakness, mainly because I don’t like it in myself. Perhaps an ideal mission (like mission work with a church) that I would consider now is going and trying to help the peoples of foreign lands to get people to start searching for God. Not necessarily to force people into the established tradition of that land, but to get them to be honest with themselves. If the follow Yahweh, so be it; Allah, so be it; Christ, so be it; Shiva, so be it. I do not like people hiding from their problems. (Nevermind, this thought isn’t quite baked yet.) I really haven’t been thinking that much about religion lately, I have been trying to keep up with all of my commitments, and that takes quite a few resources. In listening to the mentor discussion last night I was tempted to start equating the process that you all were discussing with the one that I was experiencing with my roommate. To say that you were not only able to gauge the position of a person on their growth (or loss) journey, but that you were in possession of knowledge that was universally able to help people progress. The temptation was not very strong, and it did not last for very long, but it did pop up. Right now when I think of a “spiritual” journey it almost completely internal.

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I had to go here. I went to the last of the Tai Chi workshop, and watched the Shawshank Redemption. I have now lost my previous train of thought, so I will try to recapture my original purpose.

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I believe that my jump reaction to your discussion of mentor arose from the thoughts that were bouncing around in my head. I didn’t properly clarify my (limited) concept of the program that you were describing before I jump judged. I am still trying to form a coherent system out of what I heard described. I think that is important in order to decide the course of action to take. The problem as I understand it is that you have a process (or whatever) that allows students to grow in what I now perceive as a spiritual journey. What exactly that perceived journey entails in benefits and requirements is far outside of my thoughts and a simply e-mail. Also, it is irrelevant in the large picture. There are several ways to approach this problem. One is the life philosophy or at least wisdom of my high school economics teacher. A venture should be undertaken if net profit exceeds net capitol. In this case, the beginning capitol seems to be your time and after students have been added the quality of their experience seem to be added. Apparently, up to a point adding student increases the value of experience (perhaps by adding a variety of viewpoints or an opportunity to develop relationships?), but it tops at a certain point. In the economic theory it is still profitable to add more students, because the loss to the group as a whole is less than the gain to the added student. The precise goals that you have would help to decide the cut off point for this theory, and not knowing it I cannot go any farther. What do you want to do? The second “model” is not quite a model, simply an outlook on life that I really like right now. Doing things not because anyone wants us to, or because we are afraid of divine wrath, but because we want to out of (a concept close to) love. What exactly this is would take more time than I have right now, so I will not try to address it. You help the students, because you want to; because you “love” (not quite right, or at least not quite right with my current concept of love, but that is what comes closest) them. This type of living either takes a huge concept of existence, or reliance on some other type of knowing. Perhaps you felt that it is best to help as many people as possible, but in doing so you are in fact hurting some students by giving less than you would have if you had been more focused. Also, the ramifications of the lessened “state” that those student are at, will affect their affects on others. I am making an assumption that being at a heightened (I use heightened to mean different in such a way that there is maybe more truth no necessarily better or worse, just different) state will affect their external presence and that will affect the “journeys” of others. We exist in a closed system, it just includes everything. In the economic theory, I only use information of where I am now, this system is the same thing, simply with a larger scope. I don’t see how you can use any system like this unless you define your goals and a certain finite system that can be observed. I do know that I would hate to be in your shoes if I knew that I had something to offer someone that would improve their life, and that I had to exclude people in order to help anyone. I don’t think that to be a “god” like that would be in anyway enjoyable. I could not make that choice. For your info… I think (for a moment) that our relationship with others, ourselves, and God are one and the same. If you neglect your own self (physically or emotionally) that is (to me) as much of a “sin” as myself ignoring the rest of the world. My friend at UTK has been taking caffeine, and I think that he is avoiding his problems just like someone who gets drunk to forget their pain; it is the same, but he says that the ends justify the means (the sin is in the thought not the action)(sorry, I think that began to be a tangent). Love is more than loving others… I really need to go to bed, more later perhaps.

-Will

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inventory

A,

I filled out the survey that you gave me. Unfortunately, I was in a foul mood for some reason when I did it, so some of the answers are not very pretty. I didn’t have a bad day or anything; I just wasn’t very feeling bright. So here it is, but I think that I will do it again sometime.

Begin

  1. “Begin the focusing statement with: ‘It is a time when…..’ and finish the sentence.”

    • It is a time when the colors are changing
  2. “List some of the people who are important in this now time in your life.”

  3. “List projects that are important to you in this now time in your life.”

    • Philosophizing
    • Working on trusting people
    • Avoiding stress
    • Thinking and Not; the first more than the second
  4. “List events that have been important in this now time…”

  5. “Listen to your body…. What does it have to say to you about this now time in your life?”

    • My mind is tired
    • My body is not changing much
  6. “What emotional states are dominant for you in this now time?”

    • Confusion
    • Melancholy
    • Brief manic episodes, spaced farther and farther apart
  7. “What Groups are important to you now — university, social, church”

    • Honors Program
    • First UMC Youth
    • Disciple Bible Study
    • Chorale
  8. “What dreams are recurring in this now time? or what dreams do you remember?”

    • Ice Dragon
    • Falling; forced voluntary falling
  9. “What are the most important positive values to you now?”

    • Peace
    • Solidarity
  10. “What are the most important negative values to you now?”

    • Weakness
    • Hate
  11. “Make a statement about your religious position now.”

    • There is a God. I do not know Him. I am separated, and tired of looking.
  12. “What are the most positive things you can say about yourself now?”

    • I am trying, some… I see where I want to go.
  13. “What are the most negative things you can say about yourself now?”

    • I don’t know where to go. All that I have is some general idea, and no idea of how to progress. I am failing in my search for God, all that I have done is destroyed the faith that I had. I am selfish, cruel, and an abomination in the eyes of God. I don’t like myself. Others are kind to me, and all that I give them back is fear and cold. I am just like everyone else, but I am selfish; I want to be special. I separate myself in my weakness and in my strength. I am the only cause of my pain, and I try to blame it on the world. My laziness is affecting my grades. I know why I am here, and I let my own personal pleasures get in the way. I hate those that are good. I let my mind play with hateful little images. There are few who see their blackness and accept it. Even in this I am wallowing in self pity, or at least paying undue attention to myself.
  14. “What words come to mind that you associate with the darkest part of you, your shadow self?”

    • Strength
    • Independence
    • Cold
    • Separated, Closed
    • Pompous, Self richous, Arrogant
    • Heartless, Soulless, Dead
    • Angry
    • Scared, Hurt
  15. “What image comes to mind?”

    • Ice Dragon – The image of what I am, what I love, and what I hate.
  16. “What strengths does your shadow have to offer?”

    • My shadow is strong on his own. I do not need other people. They are beneath me, and I can do just fine without them. I don’t care what they say, or what they think. I am little more than a machine; little less than God. I find peace in quiet; solace in silence. I need on help. I am independent and free.
  17. “What are you most afraid of?”

    • I fear trusting. I fear opening myself up to the pain again. I fear humanity.
  18. “What ecstasies have been most important to you?”

  19. “What wisdom do you have to offer now?”

    • I know not to listen to me right now. I know the facts, and I could do great counseling, but I do not feel them. They are not a part of me. “You must do more than know.”
  20. “What short term goals do you have for your future?”

    • Be responsible
    • Stay on top
  21. “What long term goals?”

    • End the confusion
    • Find Peace
    • Be all that I can and was meant to be
  22. “What are your major concerns, issues, and problems in this NOW time?”

    • I don’t like myself
    • I a failing in the only way that I know how to succeed
    • My head feels like tapioca
  23. “Draw a picture of yourself with your non-dominant hand.”

  24. “Draw a yen/yang symbol and put in one side a symbol of your dark self and on the other side, a symbol of your light side.”

Part II: “Fantasy Time”

  1. “If there were no constraints, either moral or financial, what would you do with your life?”

    • I would like to live comfortably in a semi-large house with a wife, two kids, a few pets, and a few quality possessions. I would like to be normal and content.
  2. “What person that you don’t know well or not at all, dead or alive, would you like to get to know?”

  3. “What project would you like to undertake now if there were no constraints?”

    • I would just like to go. Meet others and learn to talk. Go over the wherever and find whatever.
  4. “What event would you like to have happen now if you could have anything happen that you like?”

    • I would love to fall in love with someone, and have them fall in love with me. Someone to trust without fear.
  5. “If you could build your ideal religion, what would you want as tenants or principles of it?”

    • I am not sure right now, and I care surprisingly little. People would have to care for one another. Love would be my principle tenant, then perhaps dedication. It is important not to allow ourselves to slip back into not caring; not searching. I would like it because no one would judge, only encourage.
  6. “What would you like your body to be and do?”

    • I would like my body to be strong and fast. I wish that I could run, and not tire. I wish it was under my control. When I knew what I wanted to do, then I could do it. I would like to be able to move with it. Silently through the woods at night, across housetops, where so ever I wished to be, I could arrive. I admire animality in the human form.
  7. “What do you wish that you had learned?”

    • I wish I had learned to trust.
  8. “What would you like your strengths and talents to be?”

    • I would like to be called a good man, and truly be that way.

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